Would you like to live your life in virtuous abundance or limitless wealth and greed. Before you answer do you know what the cost will be of your decision? One seems like it would be the most obvious or is that all things do not appear to be as they are. So many of us do not realize that are actions speak volumes. We do not have to speak to know the directional push that we are heading into. We no longer leave things to chance but to our devious self. The idea that are actions could amount into anything that could be harmful seems like a distant notion. In reality it is apparent to all around you except for thine self. We always tend to paint ourselves in the best light but at an expense that most of us don’t have the bank roll for.
I have seen a shark smile. For years I have believed in the virtuous honour of what I thought could be a good friend. But in like all true forms of deceptive nature I could sense that something was not right. You can’t just play half a character without your true self coming out to play. The idea that you would much rather have somebody pay for your own shortcomings is something that I have a hard time understanding. I know that you are capable. I have watched you work. I listened to your words. Me unlike others will no longer play victime to your games. I would much sooner walk alone in a pack of wolves then be reminded of the days when I thought you wanted to be friends. I see know that it was all just a part of an ellaborate game. One that you thought you could win but your true colors fly high over the public you are trying to get so hard to adore you. At least dancing with the wolves I know who I am getting into but you, you my friend are a different entity all on it’s own.
I could never understand how anybody would want to profit off of another person’s pain. I have heard the climbing over each other to get to the top but this is something unique and something that if left to it’s own malicious ways could ruin a small town. I have watched you know for years. There is no more hiding who you think you are. My reality is that knowing you exist has altered the course of my whole World. I could dwell on the promises that you once made but it is alot easier to let go. I hope that in time when the curtains close that you will be reminded of your transgressions. There is a reason why we can not take material wealth with us when we go. First and foremost you have probably stepped on the toes of a million saints to get to where you are. I would rather be the one in the shadows bandaging up those toes then looking for fame and fortune. The path, my path is better to be walked down unpaved. I don’t need an easier life. I have had an easy life. Easy life means you get to sit there without a care in the World and watch the others struggle around you. No matter how hard it gets in the trenches I want to be a part of it all. I chose to travel and explore the communities and the girls of a subculture I love. Now I ask can I do more? Is it possile to explore and love a stranger. A stranger that maybe the rest of the World forgot? If humans excell and thrive in positive environments filled with nourishment and love could I potentially test that theory?
We don’t need the whole World to love us. We just need to be able to love ourselves. We need to conduct ourselves in such a way that we do not lose sleep at night. A hand held when needed is much better than a left hanging celebration of high 5. The predetermination of our destiny should lessen our load and the suffocating feeling of maybe, just maybe we might not be good enough. But good enough for who? I frequently complain and whine about how my Dad doesn’t love me. He can so easily forget he gave me life and never does a glimmer of the relationship we had ever come to his mind. I remember crying and begging him not to abandon us. Even in my mid twenties I foresaw the rubble of our relationship that it was going to become. That drives my fear that all the love I give my son in this World and he too can turn his back on me. I know we manifest our worst fears. The more we obsess the more likely the determination of the outcome will be. So now in order for me to move forward with my own storey I have to forever close the chapter on the one where me and my dad reconcile. Our reality is we grew apart when we were teens. I guess that divide that happen shortly after high school kept growing. The hardest feeling in the World is standing beside a stranger you once loved. MY dad is nno longer my dad anymore. He’s just a man content in living out his days with his new wife. He doesn’t need the children he had with another woman. He lives for that wife now. Nobody else matters now. Not even the family we once had.
You can never trust those closest to you. I always try to tune into my spidey senses. If something doesn’t feel right, leave it. If something doesn’t sound right, ignore it. You are under no obligation to anybody just to be yourself. Be true to yourself. If you think your destiny is to steamroll over another group of women because you believe your reality is far better then each of their own destiny, well I wish you much success. I have made my family my true north, my centre of being, the star in the night sky that will help guide me home. They will remind me each and everyday how great my own reality is. I can focus on loving my neighbour and making my world a safer, brighter place. I have met and still keep in touch with some really amazing beings. The type of beings where a whole life time can pass yet there y’all are swinging on that porch swing in the ye old retirement home. Maybe in my travels I can arrange visits to retirement homes. That is my passion. Lifes well lived. Not the fabrication of such things. There is so much knowledge in the eyes of those that crinkle and sparkle all in the same time. I love the idea of thinking that at one time when it all started for them they were swaddled up and coo’d too as they were adjusting to their new earthly surroundings. I can’t help but feel sadness that their storey is soon to come to a close. I don’t have to know you to know that the World will be impacted by the loss of your presence. Maybe sitting and chatting for an hour would never be enough. Would it be a constant reminder of who you once were or would it be a bitterweet goodbye to the life that you had known.
Sitting in my Doctor’s office yesterday she asked me how my anxiety was. In all truth the only worry I have is death. It is the only truth we know but it is all truly unknown. Nobody has ever made it back to tell us what is on the other side. I made it over but in true fashion I have no memory or knowledge of where I went or who I saw. That is my biggest fear. At times I think I would like to know when it is coming but even that brings me fear. What if I find out I die tomorrow an everything I am working towards is gone. What am I working towards? I started this post out as a warning to not believe in everything that your eyes see. I keep getting bitten by the same viper so as not to keep getting exposed to the same venom I had to release what I know into the Universe to prevent others from being subject to it as I am. There is a fine line between wants and needs and what I am fast learning that both are not really a finite necessity. To be able to live with less is the ultimate euphoria. Yes the desire for nice things will always be there. Soon in time though I hope to replace those wants and needs with the life experiences of those around me. I would much rather sit around and talk about the good old days in a crowded room then be reminded by my shortcomings by being obsessed with social media. You can’t cover your ugliness with the most expensive dress. The tears that form inside your heart can also be seen from the outside. When you live a life filled with greed you will only received the opposite of what you pine for. The shark tooth smile that you beam for all to see will soon serve as a beacon to the prey that you have been feeding on for years. My reality is you have done fooling me for the last time. In my heart I know that others still believe in your virtues and that is ok. We all need somebody to believe our tales. Tales are just that. Storeys and fables used to entertain and amuse. No more. No less. When I walk into that crowded room and I am left standing alone I will be ok. The memories of those that entered my life with the most pure of hearts I still hold close. I would never tarnish those memories with being less than anything that is my true self. I konw what makes life fighting for and I know who needs it most. To stand tall and proud formed only on my sincerity and soft heart I will reach those that need saving. To weather the storm and still come out on the other side virtuous. I know my life is strong and determined to see a change. Like a lighthouse I will provide the much needed illumination that so many of us needs. When you see me I serve as a beacon. A beacon of hope trying to help guide you through the storm. There is nothing on Earth I can’t help you get through. We as humans are strong. It is much easier to find your way when you have two people holding the map instead of one. Let me help you see the path of a greater future. If I am worthy of such immediate blessings so are you. Your life is as precious as when you took your first breath. What is different from then and now is your inability to seek comfort in the arms of those that will provide safety and encouragement. Don’t look for thoe most popular but those who empower you. One only wants to steal your power and the other just wants you to shine. Shine for the whole world to see and you will never lose your way back home.