Thankfully Thankless

This morning I was supposed to wake up with my son sleeping soundly beside me, my husband having the weekend off and the pitter patter of my Mom and Grandpa Bobs feet as they scurry around my kitchen trying to find the coffee and how to turn it on.  I cleaned for days trying to get the house just so. Washed the sheets and even covered their bed with a spread she hadn’t seen since her twenties. My Auntie returned it to me this summer. My heart was thankful. Until I saw that my sister was calling. And she never calls me always texts. I answered and there were the words, Mom and Bob were in a car accident and wouldn’t be making it to Thanksgiving. It’s not that I was trying to be rude I didn’t ask for any details on what had happened. I knew the basics they were ok and that was all that matter. They obviously weren’t going to be able to make it and I know that is just the way life works sometimes. I haven’t seen them since Christmas. My heart hurt. My Thanksgiving spent around people that loved me was gone.

That’s the thankless side in me. I needed my mom. After everything that had been happening I just needed to see her. I didn’t want to be anything but thankful that they were ok but I couldn’t stop this unthinkable anger from setting in. They got hit by a trailer that couldn’t stop in time and sandwhiched them into the car in front of them. Imagine another long haul trucker hitter another innocent family. Are you really thankful for the deilvery of all your Thanksgiving ingredients on time. I could care less about the contents of the meal. What I wanted that nobody else could give me was a hug from my mom. So in this minute I am thankless to these egotistical drivers that don’t give a darn for the other pedestrians on the road. I have been run off the road by one of these trucks. My grandfather was murdered by one of these trucks. We lost a whole hockey team because one of these trucks. But eh they get their on time so who cares if the are abiding by the rules are not right?

I the same breath that I hear the words about my parents there is a flash on the news. It appears two more passengers will never reach their destination. They, unlike my parents, haven fallen victim to one more person’s irresponsible actions. I don’t understand why when we should be thankful for the ability to get to point A to point B with ease do we disregard the proper behaviour to follow on our highways.  The anxiety I feel when I know I have to get on the road with the masses is out of control. On the roads you can only control what is in your immediate vicinity. Everything else is fair game. I will never forget that scene in Final Destination (I think 3) where there is that awful highway pile up. There is nowhere I need to be that can’t wait that extra 5 minutes. I know that is also my parents thinking too. They like to take their time they like to be aware. What happenes though is on the road. Those decisions get taken out of your hands. The other driver coming towards you can be drunk, high, arguing on the phone or even sleeping at the wheel. We aren’t thankful for technology. We abuse and bend it to our will then cry when something tragic happens. Everything so far that I have said can be prevented. Except of course engine malfunction or a tire explosion. Those incidents are few and far between. It is the human negligence and error that will destroy a family and leave one thankless.

Although the little girl in me needs her mom. I am very thankful that she is sleeping soundly in a motel. I know that the bed I made her is even more comfortable but I would rather have here asleep anywhere but in the hospital. The air bags didn’t deploy which maybe a good thing? I hear the force of the air bags can break ones nose. I was looking forward to the weekend. I was looking forward to the recharge. Now with winter looming in the horizen I will have to wait till Spring. A whole year and a half is far to long to have to wait. But I can’t take the risk of any more tragedy on the roads so instead of being surrounded by family we will have to be content on being apart. Me and my younger sister joked that it was the power of getting us all together after all this time. I am not sure if you read any of my earlier posts but me and my older sister do not get along. It is not that I don’t like her (maybe over time I have started to not appreciate her) it is just I have heard one too many times how my existence on this Earth directly works against my sister have a full and productive life. She blames for everything that has gone wrong. EVERYTHING! When I was born her life changed as all life changes with the addition of a sibling. As my half sister though she hated me because we didn’t share the same Dad.  How ridiculous this all sounds now as our Dad hates us all. He probably would have rather never had any of us.  I am thankful for the Dad I had growing up. He worked hard, loved my mom, played sports with us girls then something changed.  Maybe it was the divorce that broke his heart or maybe it is the woman he has now. But something inside of him died the day he got remarried. The only thing he is thankful for is his new wife and family. The rest of us our dirty rotten scoundrels. We are good for nothing in their eyes. They have invited every skeleten from our past to take in residency with them. They have these twists and turns in our life storey that has never happened. yet when try to have a normal conversation we are the ones that are filled with drama even though all we have done is lived a life of virtue and honour. Maybe that is why I have always come forward and said that I was a very mischevious girl. I was that way. As a mother and wife…I have shed my outer skin to reveal a new improved version of myself that I keep sheltered from the outside world. I am not ready for the bright eyes of the sun or the heavy rainfall of shame that they try to label me as.

In the eyes of the thankful I know that I am very lucky. The thankfless, selfish side of me is trying not to cry. Overall health and well being of the ones that I love will always come first but selfishly I wanted to see my mom. I know there will be a time when she needs to see me too. For whatever the reasons this was just not meant to be that time. I am thankful though that there will be another chance. It maybe not already be talked to be about when but I know it will be coming soon. That is what makes me thankfully thankless. I am thankful at the prospect of another opportunity but thankless because it wasn’t this time. There is no denying the sadness in my mom’s voice as she listed off the items she had tucked carefully away for us. Now in the presence of this time on the weekend of Canadian Thanksgiving my thanks are giving to whomever or whatever watched over my family’s car during the time. Some families are not so lucky. We may not see each other as much as we wish. And we definetly do have our share of disagreement and fights. Although months and years have passed where there are been little or no conversation between the sisters we are all still family. The fighting mainly boils down to the seven human sins that seem to get in the way of all true human interactions. It is rare to find beings who will sing of your praises even while taking the stage beside you. I say stage because that is where my passion lies. I went from this quiet shy girl to one brave enough to play violin in a crowd. But deep down inside I am still shy, I am still scared, I am still quiet. I still needed my mom. You see next friday I am having 3 of my teeth pulled. They have been infected for many many years. I mean since I was 20 and had my wisdom teeth removed. They left shards inside, undiagnosed my incredible pain and infection. Told me my swelling was because of my night grinding. Fast forward 20 years and the infection has spread into my bone. They are hoping that by removing the teeth we can stop the infection and finally end all my pain. You see I have had night piercing headaches for 20 years. I have heavily medicated myself with anything and everything I can get my hands on. It has been the source of my anger, my lashing out, my pain. I feel like that tiger with a thorn between my toes. I really truly want to be this sweet little girl but there are times when I am in such crippling pain I can’t even leave the house. Since becoming a mother my whole outlook on everything has changed. I am at the cusp of becoming everything I have ever dreamed I could be and it all begins next friday at 8am. That is when the source of my pain will finally be over and my healing can truly begin. Maybe it was just the Universe’s way of preventing hard feelings from coming about when family tends to get together. Maybe it is just waiting for the day when I am finally able to be me again. All healed from the pains of the past and on my way to truly being. Instead of being thankfully thankless maybe I am just really thankful. Thankful for the prommise of new beginning and new tomorrows and the great storey still waiting to be told.

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