When I think about all the things to be thankful for the one thing I am always most thankful for is the beautiful life I have now. To say that people fit into our lives like a perfectly pieced puzzle is something that I am slowly getting accustomed too. My husband not only saved our lives but now he is responsible for saving hundreds more. I always dreamed of marrying my white knight but I had no idea how close to reality my dream had actually become. Maybe because for as long as I can remember I always had these daddy issues. Issues that I thought were long ago resolved but like any disease laying dormant it comes back in a blindsided fury. Relentless to conquer the stillness of my mind and leave me searching for a reality that may just not exist. Although thankful for the family I have I am somewhat emotionally detached from establishing a soul affecting bond.
When you live your life a certain way for as long as you can remember those demons you have been dancing with seem like old lifelong friends. I guess in reality they are. Like a finely tuned orchestra they keep the tango of your life moving forward till you dare to look them in the face and demand a new tune to march too. This is where I find myself now. In a room full of strangers all claiming to know me but they have no idea the desire I have to change the melody of my life. I know the dance I long to fall into sync with. I also know that it maybe up to me to start the new tune. Like a drum my heart starts beating faster at the prospect of this new life musical. My soul needs no words as I have found a new way to comcommunicate. Rather than articulate in words the feelings of my heart I now choose to sit silent and let the energy in the room permeate my soul. To be uniquely courageous to embrace who you are without limitations and fear. Limited by our own way of thinking trapped inside our very own fear. Fear of being different. Fear of being the same. Fear of never truly becoming who our heart always knew we were.
My husband always say me as this unique infinite being. He saw me as being courageous even though my heart and soul knew differently. My heart was tired of never truly fitting in. My heart couldn’t bare the thought of yet another heart break when you allowed another being in. I was not ready for the life that my husband had in store for me. It took some time to adjust and it took some time for some real healing to begin. But through my sheltered existence he broke through the facade and proved to me time and time again that life was better when you stopped walking alone. That life got better when you allowed others in. I have my husband to be thankful for that.
Last week I started a new form of therapy. It’s called Neuro Emotional Technique. After one treatment I feel the weight I have been carrying begin to lift. It has been 40 years of indecision as I try to find my place but somehow motherhood has reignited a fire in me that maybe just maybe I can rewrite my predetermined destiny to make our World shine a bit brighter. Like everything I am still a work in progress. My current reality is beyond the vision I had for myself. With the guidance of a doctor I am working towards rerouting the energy circuit of my past. Without fully understanding the happenings of my past that cause my body to shut down I was surprised by the first sessions findings. It seems this Doll who longed to find a mate that mirrored her father may have inhibited her ability to truly let go and fully love another man. Constantly let down by the image of the man I adored I began to uncover that it was these unhidden truths that divided my marriage. I am not blaming anybody but myself for this time lapse in my own judgement. Luckily for me it was by blind faith that I continued on the direction that the Universe had always pushed me down. I lowered my own inhibitions and allowed for a different storey line that the one I had pre written when I was a little girl.
Desiring nothing more than becoming a positive role model for our son I began to pave a way that I thought never possible. I started to surround myself with positive like minded beings. Beings who radiated an energy I have never basked in before. Being able to celebrate each others victories instead of maliciously engaging in vile rumours. Rumours designed to bring women down to their knees and shame. The silent echos of their truth identifying their true intentions. Identifying the realness inside yourself allows you to recognize the alterior motives of others.
To only be thankful on just a weekend is something I think we definetly need more of. By that I mean we should celebrate life more. We should embrace each others individuality in order to leave a memory that even our ancestors and future generations can be proud of. In the few short hours we were with family our passenger window got smashed. Nothing was stolen except the feelings of faith I was trying to build up to love our fellow man. So there we were with my arms shielding my 2 year old from the frigid temperatures as we drove home and the utter frustration we were feeling. The only small victories we seem to be sharing these days is the somewhat health that we all appear to have in this moment. Friday my parents were in an accident so they were not able to join us as was our original hope. They were sandwiched between two vehicles before my mom waa rushed to hospital. She is fine. Just a concussion but when it has almost been a year since you shared an embrace…well it becomes hard to continue harbouring positive intentions. The incestuous rush that others get because their time is more valuable. Well it is these people who hurt me the most. The ones who don’t seem to care about those around them till they are the ones who need to be cared for. It’s these people I have troubles with the most. There is nothing more important to me than trying to minimize the hurt and suffering that most of us feel on a day to day basis. Such an impossible task. Impossible because most of us don’t realize the extent of our suffering. Nor do we desire to be anything else. We are used to the idea that life is supposed to be painful. In some ways yes this is true. We need to dip into the valleys before we realize the fruits of our labour. Some never see their hard work come into harvest. Mainly because we don’t know how else to be but selfish. I have been there I have lived that life too.
The knowledge I continue to acquire on this beautiful journey gives me the strength I need to continuously go forward. You have to be humble in your willingness to relate to others. Never stealing from the essence of those you engage in but borrowing the tips and techniques you need in order to come into full bloom yourself. We are all a work in progress. There will always be new creative ways in order to enhance your true being. It is not enough to shelter yourself from the demons of the past. You have to put a name to them in order to put them in your place. You can’t discipline the nameless or those that feel shame. It is ok to let go of people or places that no longer serve you. You don’t have to be bond by the ways of the past you can learn a better way. It is never to late to care for those around you. It is never too late to reach out a hand. At least while we are still breathing we can change that directional course. We can dare to be different, to be unique. To dare to walk down a path less trodden. To be beautifully unique in your own simplicity. To just be free to be.