Boundaries and the Boundaryless

Bound by the invisible divides between what you know is right in your heart and the misdeeds of others. It takes alot of confidence in ones self and your morales in order to put a fine line down how you will allow others to treat you. We are all subject to the same hours, minutes, seconds of our days so why spend it with anybody else that see you for anything less, right? There are times where you do have to come together as a cohesive group, mainly to please those that mean the most to you. Some things are not worth fighting about. Your sanity being the bigggest thing you should try to save. Everybody is entitled to a human decency and respect no matter where you are in your life and what you deem important. It is taking alot of getting to know who I am in order to have the confidence to know that the words of others really have no affect on me. The way I dress, the accessories I wear even the make-up I apply to my face is all part of costume. It isn’t who I am. It is a minor reflection of the personality I want to shine through but at the end of it all it is truly what is inside me that counts. The stronger your inner armour is the least likely you are to waiver in your own convictions. It’s odd how just like the days in kindergarten the ones who bully and tease you the most are usually the ones that look up to you and are envious.
Life has more meaning when you put a value on yourself and those who mean the World to you. It doesn’t mean it’s tangible but it means it is worth something to you. Everything we love has some sort of feeling tied to it and it is those feelings of warmth we need to value. I have been insulted for my oufit choice, my hair, my makeup. There have been pictures captured with the gals rolling their eyes because they feel like they know me and I am worthless in their eyes. To me to see something so black and white that can never be washed away. Forever captured in print your true intentions makes me stay far far away. I am still guilty of getting carried away in conversations that don’t paint other women in the greatest of light. It is hard when you find out what is being said about you to just shrug it off. Words really do hurt. No matter who you are. But that is ok. I will perfect my own actions and words to only come from a positive place. I will smile as I look through your wolf like exterior and draw that fine proverbial line that you will never get that chance to cross. My boundaries are in place to protect my family. The ones who believed in me when you told the World I was nothing. The friends I thought I had made I can see where your alliances lay. And that is ok. I respect all the choices that we all get to make in our incredible lives. Just for certain people and place I can not partake in the negativity that swirls around you. I would much rather take my chances travelling to a foreign land than allow y’all the chances to make fun of me again.
Boundaries are very intimadating at times. We try to erase the reason why they are there by forgiving those that are constantly hurting us. We see their smile and what appears to be their good intentions so we want to believe. Believe that maybe this time will be different. Maybe they really see how their continuous hate for all that you do is detrimental to their being not yours. Once you have determined the lack of purpose that some people have in your life then it gets easier, for you, but not so much for the people around you. Especially when it is family. Fammily is the worst for overstepping as they feel because they are family they have the god given right to treat you lie a human trash bag. The saying still goes, “Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.” A leopard never changes it’s spots so there is no more sense getting worked up about it. I mean we all dream for simplicity in our family dynamcis but with so many personalities it is hard to get everybody to get along. Maybe in some ways it is because when we allow somebody to continuously let us down we never truly forgive them for that. It is more than just words for me. It is always the continuous repeat of selfish actions that get me going. It seems weird doesn’t it. So many people assume that I dress up for attention. And I do. But not the attention that you think. I have boundaries for those closest to me but for the stranger in need I like to be your beacon of hope. Sometimes it is easier for others to start a conversation by complimenting your dress or your shoes. That is the doorway I walk through when I am trying to connect. The world really does warm with a smile and when I am out doing my errands and put myself on display I become a character. I am the reflection of me that I want others to see. My interactions with others is very important to me. At the very least I want them to know that one person at least cares. I don’t need to know you to know that we all need human compassion. You will get that from me. Maybe in time when we develop a bond the nature of our relationship will change. But in the first moments of friendship. I am all ears and yours when you need.
When I think back to when I first moved to Alberta I was filled with so much promise and hope. I was terrified and scared being mostly alone. Everything was all new to me. I was living alone. Paying all my bills alone. Taking transit for almost an hour every day as I set up my new life. My survival instincts set in that made it hard to establish any life long friendships but I was managing I was living. Or what I thought was living. I found a new circle of friends that I thought would be ideal for me. I lost contact with my old best friend and that was a devasting blow. I don’t know if you ever had to watch a friendship come to a close but I find at times my heart still hurts from the loss. I travelled many times to spend time with her. She never made the effort bck. I would send messages that would go unanswered I would make trips where no effort was made. I mean I had a son and a husband and for all the trips that I made to the coast she could never make the half hour commute to see me. I drove 14 hours with my family to find out when I got to my destination how much she valued our friendship. I think the loss of my friend has made me guarded of all women. She was witness to the terrible time I had in Vancouver that lead me here. Even know as I write this tears still fall. I remember the hurt I felt when some of the girls out here were talking amongst each other about me. They were talking about how poor I was and how nobody should pick me up and take me anywhere. One girl actually said she didn’t want to have to pay for me. I cried for hours with my best friend about how awful girls can be. She said she understood but now, here I am alone. Not entirely alone I have my husband and my son but I don’t have my best friend. Now the hardest thing I have to do is draw that invisible line between us that will stop me getting my hopes up and allow me to move on. I thought the hardest thing I would ever have to do was to put up walls in front of certain family members. This is actually harder. To admit the end of a friendship that you held on to for dear life. She was my life line that I needed but in order to continue down this balanced path I have to say enough is enough. Friends should celebrate all of your successes. She hasn’t celebrated any of mine for years. I will miss our chats the most.
It is impossible to please everybody. Where we should focus our energy the most on is pleasing ourselves. To move through your days with honest intentions is one of the most satisfying ways to live. You aren’t in competition with anybody but yourself. You can challenge yourself in lots of fun ways to show your growth. Some goals may take time to see the results. Take my reading and violin playing. Reading takes time but on a large scale I can see how many books I have read based on how many I have checked out at the library. I know what a funny way to gauge success. I am excitedly awaiting the turn of next year so I can see how many more books I can read. I love non fiction and great literary works. I also play my violin every day and see my teacher once a week. The greatest feeling of self worth I get is when my teacher is impressed with my progress. One may say I gauge my success in the Pin-Up World with the competitions that I place in. For me that is an added reassurance that I am on the right path but the real win for me is the incredible ladies I get to meet while taking the stage. I love travelling to meet so many wonderful ladies. I found some great inspiring woman both on the West Coast and in Wisconsin. Wisonconsin was my first trip into the US to compete and it sure won’t be my last. I love the girls and I love what both communities have to offer. They give me a safe place to just be me. Free of boundaries. Free of limities. Just empowered to be boundaryless and explore the possiblitiy of a new way of being. To experience growth in the hands that have perfected what it means to be a lady. It is only with the boundaries that I have set up in my personal life that allows me the courage to explore the World in this way. Without the sound of negative chatter you begin to believe that you can achieve anything. Boundaries set expectations and expectations set the pace. Life can be glorious if you set yourself up for success. It is ok to shun out those who only are there to see you fail. I want to see you succeed. That is the purpose of life for us to live in such a way that we feel validated not to feel that our own self is worthless. Dare to impose boundaries. Dare to live differently. Dare to be free to just be at peace.

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