To be able to see life through the impressionable eyes of our youthful self is the only thing I wish I could save myself from. It is not the experiences or the hardships that I have overcome. It is the idea that maybe if I had taken the time to truly listen then maybe my life could have been recoursed maybe before the detouring even begins. I know we all have to make and find our own ways but I swear looking back. In those quite moments playing cards with my Nan I could tell she wanted to share her wisdom with us. Her smile told me how much she truly cared. I wish I understand then the consewuences of my actions that my ormones would have on me. Nothing means more to me know than being able to have onemore conversation with her. I truly regret those days I didn’t ask her questinos about her childhood and her upbringing. Knowing that although I spent my weekends with her I didn’t even bother to sit down and talk with her. I was so blind and so ignorant to a life I will never get a chance to know.
I wonder what it was that over came me. To think that connecting with a soul that I was created to be a part of meant nothing more than a passing memory. A dream. A life time ago that has now become that. I whole life time has since passed since I have been in the same room with you. I wonder if there is any others like me that fail to learn from the generations before us before it becomes simply too late. Like sand in an hourglass slipping away. Every moment that passes we become less than that perfect carbon being we were born into and have less of a feeling of being whole. Bound by our own limitations of self righteous entitlement. You konw what I mean we do it all the time. We think more of what benefits us as a singular person. It’s hard to be anything else. The more we empower ourselves the less compassion we share towards each other. It can’t be both. You can’t be selfish yet feel compassion…can you? It is so hard to say with how convulated the World has become. It somehow benefits somebody but does anybody else know who?
The way we treat the generation that is reaching their Golden Years. The suffered the Great Depression. They saw the effects of two World Wars. They are the ones baring witness to the state of the World that they fought so hard to protect. They were the “hippies” of the 60’s all about Peace and Love. Everything they sacrificed their lives for. Lost loves, family members, drugs, depression, anxiety. We have given humanity nothing to live for. No more dreams, no more hope, no more aspirations. Scared to stick out, scared to conform. It is best to stay blind and stay ignorant in the hopes we make it another year. Or do we even want that. What is being left behind for our children? Children don’t feel safe anymore. School used to be a fun, save place to go. We used to play as children. What happened to that? Sure we had parties and yes there was alcohol but I think what is missing from all these parties and underage drinking is unconditional love. Even when you hated somebody in high school you didn’t want them to die. You wished they had a bad hair day or a zit or maybe that there boyfriend would dump them but this. I had a bully in high school. What can I say yo can’t be everybody’s cup of tea. To be honest I can’t remember what I did to set her off but it was common knowledge she was going to kick my ass. Never in my wildest dreams would I ever thought she would ever murder me. Kick my ass yes. But never that. What a World!!
Like I said my biggest regret is not taking the time to just talk to people. We all have these amazing experiences that help us get through life. We have different experiences, different coping skills. Somewhere amongst all that knowledge and experience we have to be moving closer inthe right direction right.
Just imagine how lucky we are to be living in this time. Yes there is alot of messed up things happening but imagine how it was before. The blatant disregard for human life. It’s still here but it used to be a very messed up place. Or just the addition of running water, stores, groceries. Everything can be right at our fingertips. But yet we are still ungreatful. The undertone of poor whoa is me. But do you actually know what that even looks like. Imagine having your bathroom under your bed. Or boiling hot water for a bath. Everything we take for granted yet still want more. We need technology to be as fast lightening in order to further numb our senses. Our children can never live as free as they used to. Social norms, media and technology will never allow for that to happen again. Children just aren’t given enough time to enjoy being kids. It’s like we want that period of our lives to be over faster. We want to act like we know more than everybody around us even though or time on Earth is a mere fraction of our potential. Yes in the Golden Days people died early so their child hoods were taken from them. In this glorious age of being a child we want to do everything we can to act like middle aged tyrants. Trust me kiddos when you get there you can’t go back. Well you kindof can when you have kids but it depends on when that happens, who you are with etc.
Seems we are always telling the next generation, “I know” with the later generation begging for our attention. We are never really all on the same page at once are we? Maybe that is why we are in constant conflict. Generations can’t see eye to eye cuz we are just so impervuous to our surroundings. I mean when I was in my twenties there was no way I was ever going to listen to anybody. I was doing what I want when I wanted there was just no way anybody was getting in my way. I legit went wild. Like a crazed mad woman I just didn’t want to be tamed. The world as I had become familiar with just exploded. Like a ticking time bomb it was all coming to a close but I really didn’t care at the time who was saying it. It takes a long time to recover from the full extent my wild isolation had on me as a person. There was a time where I was so far away from who I wanted to be that I didn’t really see anyway back. I wanted to repair the damage to the relationships I severed but really had no clue on what it would take to do such a thing. Miracles get handed to you in the most mysterious of ways. Maybe my emotions are running a little bit higher on the eve of my sons second birthday. I always feel reconnected with myself on this day. A part of me is convinced that I received a message from my Grandma on that day. I know I always lean back to her because she was our matriach. I feel like I am most like her in so many ways. Well she is who I aspire most to be. I wish I know that my legend, my idol was right in front of me. It seems cruel to think that the answer to that question, “Who would you want to have one dinner with either dead or alive?” is my Grandma. I had a chance to know her personally and didn’t. She spent the rest of her life loving me since I was born and I barely noticed her. To me that has become something very hard to accept. Trying to lead an honourable life full of her virtues is the best way I can say that I am sorry. To ensure that her memory remains on the forefront of all that I do from this day forward. To still shed a tear after all these years (I lie it is more than just a few tears) I hope that I can help blend the gap between every generation. We all have a journey. We all have a storey. We all have experiences that we would all love to share. If only we weren’t so desensitized. If only we weren’t so insensitive. If only we weren’t so blindly ignorant to appreciate those lives that are right in front of us maybe our lives would feel way more fulfilling. If only we weren’t so blind, so ignorant, the land of the living would be free.