So it’s happened. The final barrier I had that was keeping me from the outside world…well it’s gone. For as long as I can remember I have been in physcial pain. First it was night grinding, then it was a bf breaking my jaw, then root canals. Let me tell you my left side of my face has been various degrees of swollen for the last 15 years. I saw 15 because I was 25 when the mouth guard got prescribed to me. For whatever reason it was never caught. Complete and utter tooth pulp rot is what it was. I mean my poor lil teeth were black. How horrible to think that the recomendation was to try root canals again. Uhmmm No You Aren’t!!! Even the dentist told my husband afterwards that I made the right decision. So guess whata I am not even mad about anything about that anymore. I was and then I realized something. That mask I wore. The one that had the exscuse I can’t right now I have a headache. Except for it wasn’t a headache. Anybody who was close to me for any period in my life can attest to the fact I was taking advil/tylenol like candy. And now here I am at 40 getting teeth pulled. This wouldn’t be to shocking except for the fact my Grandma was 41 when they pulled out her teeth. Is this her way of saying, “Hey Girl I got you still. I got you a good man, a good son and a life you have always dreamed of. You are doing all the right things and I am so proud of you. Let’s end your suffering together once and for all.” I have been doing alot of reading esoecially in regards to the spiritual and believes these days. If our bodies are just carbon and energy moves on can my Grandma be sending me a message all these years? I spoke to a physcic a few times and she said that there were spirits on the other side keeping certain people away. That it was hard for their focus to go anywhere else because they were protecting me. I get that I made some terrible decisions but I was always guided in the right direction. My husband did come into my life and told the dentist he didn’t care what they said there was something going on with me and I was carrying our child. I guess at least the dentis listened but at what expense. Did he even do anything? The teeth were black and inflammed and just you don’t even want to know (I took pictures if you do).
But here’s the thing. Knowing that they were going to pull out these three teeth I started moving towards a more zen way of being. And before you go off and say anything just listen. Ever since I found out these teeth were prob dead I put every bit of negative energy I had built up inside of me and I used to removal of my teeth as the symbol of starting fresh. Without the interruption of this inflammed energy path good energy was free to flow through. I started changin my whole way of being leading up to. If something this major was going to occur I was going to replace that bad energy with light and love. I was up every morning making sure my husband had food while on the night shift. I gave myself credit for all that I do around the house. I do one full cleaning at least once everyday. More if I am in the mood. Oh and I always bake something fresh for his lunch/dinner. I wanted him to be build up on love. I mean a home cooked meal from your wife has to be better than any fast food right? I always have the fresh baking, 2 sandwhichs, and something warm. Lately though I have been making panini’s. I also made sure that I did the things I loved everyday. Like reading and playing my violin. I also just recently realized I love watching plants grow. I think I want to dabble int he art of fairy homes and such. I love the whimziness of the gardens and how cute they all are. I lvoed fairy homes as a child. I want to surround myself in everything I love. We are even pulling up the back garden (to be honest I have no idea what it is). In it’s place we are going to plant daffodils and tulips (but not together) within the next few weeks. So in the Spring there will be a lovely bouquest of flowers fresh for the picking. On top of that I want to ahve those cutsie indoor succulent plants. All with lil housees and stories. Happiness and love.
I also am going to start a communication hotline…well not hotline but a place for kids/teens/the lonely to reach out. What everybody needs is somebody who believes in them. Somebody who will move mountains to make sure that they are loved. What we all need is that confidante, that support, that friendly smile to tell us that we are going to be ok. The World is missing that desperately. After reading that storey about the 10 year and realizing that I am too battle my own mental illness I wanted to reach out. Reach out in a way that means the most to me. It is the most personal and intimate that you can show somebody you care. Me and my husband are working on a mail slot to put out in front of our house so I can hand write letters of love to those in need. I have always said that everybody has a purpose and all lives matter to me. I am working on a way to have cards with my mailing address to get a handwritten letter from me along with the National Suicide Lifeline # 1-800-273-8255. Beacause I don’t think anybody should have to feel alone. I used to feel alone. I made some incredibly stupid decisions. The ones where if maybe if you weren’t so ashamed to talk to your family or faculty or whoever it is you trust. Why not me? I am a mom and a wife and I love reaching out to my community. Have you ever had a hand written letter from somebody you loved before. There is something so beautiful, so special, so unique to someone taking time to putting pen on paper. I want to have a mailing adrress for people who feel they have noone they can get a resonponse from me. In my own handwritting so it means more. Maybe if some concerns keep coming up I could look at addressing non personalized questions on my site. I am here to help and I am here to love. Don’t feel like you have nobody you have me. I have put alot of thought into these last 3 weeks getting ready for surgery. MY dream is to have mailboxes in the schools. I can’t imagine another child being bullied and feeling they have no other option. I am your option. Try me. I have time. I also want to have the cutest littlest kitchen for milkshakes etc You know for ladies nights or for when the kids are at home. I stopped eating meat. I just couldn’t. I was raised on a farm. We had beautiful cows that lazed around all day eating grass. They had beautiful lives. Well not entirely but in a World were your main purpose is to be onsummed there lives were far grander then the cows that supply our freezers now. I couldn’t be a part of this mass slaughtering and murder. This wasn’t who I am. This wasn’t who I was. I needed to stop thinking that what difference could one person make and just be one person making a difference. So far I feel like I have been radiating more love. In everything. Even with my husband.
Oh and another thing I have gotten this glow. I feel like my life just feels naturally smoother. Life sure takes you for a twist some times and it doesn’t help if you feel alone. I shut myself down for along time. I have nothing to hide behind anymore. Just going to be me. That has to be enough. There is no has to be. It is enough. I love myself enough to love all of you if you will let me. After all this time feeling defeated I finally feel free. I am thankful for my husband for always loving and believing in me. He saw something inside of me I gave up on long ago. He truly is my best friend. I started this new therapy called Neuro Emotional Technique. I feel so much more liberated and free. So more accepting of life and where I have made it so far. Life has finally gotten good. I can’t wait to share it all with you.
My whole life feels like it has been leading up to this moment. To be in a place where I am finally free. Free of any exscuses. Free of being in pain because of the crazy misdiagnosis on my teeth. Like imagine they wanted to redo my root canals. Wait they wanted to open them up apply a steriod and see if they would regenerate. LOL I am so thankful that is now a part of my past. The healing is minimal compared to what I went through for half of my life. I am excited to see what life has to offer me when I finally succomb to the beauty of it. What I have gained over this experience I want to share with you all. I have been through alot but it has all lead up this moment. There is nothing stopping me now. I fear only my physcial limitations as I set my sight high and reach for the sky.