In about an hour I am going in for day surgery. Surgery to remove the back three molars that have been causing me pain for as long as I can remember. I spent nights awake with my face comforted with ice. I would take any anti-inflammatories, pain killers, even antibiotics to try and numb the pain. At times I thought the only way I could ever feel any sort of release was if my head was detached from my body. That was never an option. I got some release when all the pills kicked in or when they finally drained the infection that was living underneath all my teeth. Nobody listened. When I would talk to the doctors they all though I was borderline insane. I learned to live this mediocre life doing mediocre things because I thought that was all I good physically handle. It is amazing to think that all of my pain was stemming from these teeth in the back of my mouth. Alot of things happened over the past two years. Of course I had those three root canals that were entirely for nothing. And then my emergency c-section to save both of our lives. I thought my life of pain was over and I was ready to blossom and allow myself the opportunity to truly just be.
Well nobody really gets to go through what I just did and get away without least being recommended a counsellor. 12 free sessions with Alberta Health. I took them. Mainly to just try and understand all the hormones that were raging inside of me. Trying to understand the roller coaster ofl ife is something that we are not esigned to do alone. Through her guidance I became aware of who I wanted to be and together we learned different techniques to manager my depression and anxiety. Of course with the help of my family we decided to explore the realm of anti-depressants and anti-anxiety medication. I remember when I was first taking these prescriptions somebody made the off handed comment are you really that happy? Back then I was trying to “fake it toI made it kind of deal.” I wasn’t that happy but I needed my world to feel positive and energized as I stepped into my new role of motherhood. I also got that, “you must be on drugs.” I don’t know why these comments hurt so much but they do. Like you are so broken as a person that the only way you can smile is if you are on drugs. Well the medications are a part of it but it’s not everything. They don’t instantly make you happy. You are still responsible for your happiness, the people in it and of course your mood. You can choose to be positive. You don’t have to wake up miserable and be miserable just to justify your medications. I changed so much about who I was that it became impossible to know what exactly was causing my mood to shift. Maybe a better understanding of myself and the people in it make for an easier time.
There is still a stigma surrounded by mental illness. Like ohers think because we are on medication we can snap at any time. I think it is true to say that anybody can snap at any time. I would be more cautious in a room of people who are not mentally aware of who they are and makes them tick. At least I know the hill I am climbing in front of me. Sometimes I take the stairs and other times I ride the elevator but I know that in time the suffocatinng feeling will get better. I am opening up my personal history to allow others to come forward with who they are as well. Right now I take medication for my anxiety, panick attacks and the very rare time for sleep. It is hard being a mother taking sleeping pills so those are for the very circumstances when I get to sleep and not worry about my baby. That is who I am now a mother first above all else. I never wanted to be that person who depended on medication. And maybe that is the problem. Treating anxiety, depression, or any mood disorder with pills is just the first step. It can’t become your crutch. You still have to utilizes all your tools in your belt in order to maximize al the benefits at your disposable. Make the medication work for you instead of against you. Don’t allow the misconceptions of others drive you further into despair. In fact those opinions that are negative in any way throw them away. Sometimes in life you might feel alone but you never truly are. The being inside of you for this temporary time in this carbon body has been waiting for you. Waiting for you to awaken and blossom and grow into this incredible loving being. At least that is how I got the medication to work in my favour.
I am continuously looking for ways to communicate and love myself from within. I know this life, this body, this present time is not guaranteed. The guarantee is that we are allowed to explore life, living, love, passion but somewhere along our vision our sustainability has been compromised. Opening my eyes to how others live and feel as given me alot of comfort. Being able to explore their emotions as they transgress through out their life has opened a doorway into mine. Living as close to my own truth that one is permitted to I engage in a new way of being. Thinking for the first time on my own I release myself from the stigma that others have opposed on me and embrace my new way of being. Everyday as I play the violin I learn to sing to a different beat. As I turn the pages on those lives that have dared to walk down paths we ourselves could never imagine. The intrinsic simplicity of life that we are all privy to should be valued and put on a pedestal. My life only has meaning with those that I am lucky to share our time with. Without the beauty of all life we just take up space and time alone. Isn’t life more beautiful when it full of smiles and laughter. We have it inside of us. We all do. For whatever reason though our time on this earth has been subjectified, minimilized. Where are only purpose of being is just to live and die instead of encouraging each other to live our best.
I still believe in the magic of fairytales and that people by nature are destined to be loved. Instead of wondering how or why we should embrace those we don’t understand I will just focus on being. For the world now knows that I to have a mental illness. I am fully aware of the boundaries that will be imposed on me with this new awakening. Life is to hard, to complex to feel those feelings of inadequacy or failure. So now my being tells me to move towards a place of acceptance for all. A place of mutual understanding where we are free from our own fears and limitations.
My motivation now is to create a World where nobody is destined to feel alone. I see some of those little take a book or take some food at the end of some walkways or driveways. Now I am hoping I can set up such a thing at the end of my driveway. Not for food or books. Well maybe some books that I have gathered some great insight from. But also I would like to have a mail slot where anybody in need can reach out to me. I dont need to know there name just to for them to know they are loved. Arent we all worthy enough to feel love. I know at times it’s hard to open up. I am hoping by me addressing my struggle that I can open the doorway for others. I know I am not the only one. The rise of suicide tells me I am not. So my new aim is to reach those who feel like they have no one. You have me. If you write to me and let me know how to reach you or somebody you love I will seand them a handwritten letter signed with love. As always I will be open and honest and look for ways to continuously love with an open heart. Instead of being scared of those who are mentally aware we should be more hesitant of those who can’t admit their shortcomings. We all have them. None of us are perfect. It’s the learning to live in an imperfect world while projecting love and happiness that will help shape our destiny.