Defective or Just Human?or other misguided life attempts…

If the shortest distance between two friends is a smile what is the furthest distance between enemies? The unknown? Search the deepest darkest parts of your brain. That corner that talks to us and tells us that we are not good enough. Sometimes this happens. To others our internal dialogue is a safe uplifting place.  But sometimes we all have those days where it just turns into this poisonous sewage that threatens to take over our very being. It gets hard sometimes to keep a grip on reality. Trying to decipher the reality from the cotton candy haze we all find ourselves in. Let’s talk for one minute the forbidden. The unknown that makes us tell us not to talk about it. It is not about throwing a pity party. I don’t need those anymore. I am coming up front and being honest with that stigma that tells us to react and act a certain way. Exploring everything I am in the most humblest, most realest of ways I only hope that my storey happens apon somebody who needs to read the words. You are not alone. What is happening to you has happened to many. It happened to me as well. At leaset a version of. By telling you my storey I hope to make you more comfortable in sharing yours. We don’t need to lose any more lives by our own hands. The World is tough enough as it is. Nobody knows the impact of all these lives taking too soon. I can’t just sit and not try anymore. I feel like I am stumbling into my lifes purpose. All I want to do is love. To share with the World the happiness that I feel. To help my son gain confidence in the World. But first before we get to all that we must first step forward. Out of the darkness and into our truest being yet.

I was 13 when I had my first thoughts of suicide. At least I think they were my thoughts.  At 13 I believed the older guy I was dating who told me I was special and I was the one. Telling me that he only loved me yadda yadda looking back on it all now of course he was a disgusting liar. I mean he cheated on me with his cousin. He said at first it was his second cousin so it didn’t count. He did it because I wasn’t putting out. It happened at a family reunion. Whatever the reason I decided I can’t live without this guy. So now 30 years later I can see what went wrong here. This is our teenage hormones at work. I was out of my head thinking this guy was the one. He committed break and enterings, beat up his sister, beat on me, let’s say this ONE MORE TIME he slept with his cousin. Second or not. I remember speaking to him on the phone and he was like well are you sad? Do you miss me? Do you love me? What’s around you? Liqour? Pills? Are you going to kill yourself if I don’t come over? Just all this bullshit brainwashing. I know I know you can’t put the blame on the guy but what I am saying is this. I never had a thought about life ever being that bad. My dad spoiled us pretty good. We had a great life surrounded by great family and now all of a sudden this guy is making me not feel good enough for what? In comparison to who? Your family? While I was on the phone with I downed all the pills in the cabinet. He rushed “to save my life” or at least that is what he told me Dad when it was all brought to light. See my Dad always suspected something so he banned us from seeing each other. My Dad lifted that ban after the suicide attempt. If that is what it was.

The second time I tried I was 19. The guy that I was living with dropped me off at home and left to drive another friend home. None of it made sense. All things pointed to him hooking up with our friend that we were at the bar with earlier. I mean I caught them talking the whole night. I was on medication for being depressed. I was depressed because of him. Yes he moved out to Castlegar to be with me while I was in College but thing just didn’t feel right. He wasn’t coming home. This was in the days of no cell phones. You actually had to call down to the local bar and look like a loon. I couldn’t even call his work because his mom was the manager or something like that so I didn’t want to seem that insane. I just sat there in the dark doing a shot a minute. Usually of vodka. I made a drinking game out of it. I would sit there and cry wishing that he would see the good in me. There it was again. So maybe the first attempt was real. But here that ugly demon that always tells me to be more to be better always seems to occur when I tie my value to a man. I am telling you when that guy left me for my friend it wasn’t so much of the action but it was the lies. Like how dare you keep lying like I am a bag of human garbage. I remember sitting in our empy apartment. Oh ya that is right he moved while I was out. Out with the friend that he was cheating on me with. His first “day off” in months and he used it to move out. The best part is it was the same friend who took me out waiting for her to get the all clear from him. Ya so like some people had cell phones. I wasn’t allowed to have his. I was that girlfriend who would blow up the phone. Well don’t be that ASSHOLE saying you are coming home for dinner but are nowhere to be found. Like he was sleeping with a friend of mine. A co-worker. Nothing messes you up more than that redneck love storey.

My second attempt was right after I found my friend’s phone number in his pocket. I still did his laundry right. Like his gross disgusting work socks. He treated me like less than a dog. I was depressed. Going to school. I was a borderline alcoholic. Missing classes all because of a guy. Right now I shake my head but this is a very real scenario for alot of us. We tie or value to a scale that only we know the measure to. I never truly wanted to kill myself. Even as I began to slice my wrist I knew it was something I wasn’t going to be able to do. I loved life too much. Yes I was in an incredible amount of heartbreak but I knew in time it would be better. I remember sitting stoic in my Dad’s favourite chair for 2 weeks. I only moved to go pee and drink water. I lost alot of weight and after 2 weeks I felt better. I just need to feel all the feelings before moving on. There was alot of feelings of hate. Alot of evil feelings. But thinking, rethinking, replaying it over and over again got him completely out of my system. He remembers how love crazy I was for him. He has contacted me over the years because he thinks that I can’t resist him. Every time he says he’s sorry and I said no worries it’s alright. It’s not like I truly forgive him for treating me like that. I can’t. He lied. He cheated. He stole momentos from my Grandma that I can never get back. I am just indifferent to how I feel about him. I have the teeniest lil scare from that time. I just couldn’t give myself that amount of pain. It hurt. I think I was starting to figure out that men are just not worth it.

We all have these times where we feel so desperate so numb where we just can’t take anymore of it. I have spent alot of time alone since being a mom. It is more out of choice now. I now how incredibly lucky I am for the life I have stumbled apon. Everything truly seems to happen right when you least expect it. Sometimes all we need is just that one person reaching out for us when we need saving. They say when you start stumbling down the path you are meant to be on things just start falling into place. When I chose to rename myself Sweet Ruby Bluez it was because I wanted to enter a period of mourning. I said to one girlfriend it would be my decade of mourning. She told me that 10 years was a long time not to smile. I told her I wasn’t going to not smile but I was going to acknowledge the hurt that humanity is feeling. We aren’t nice to each other. I wanted to mourn the loss of humanity by bringing awarenes and love everywhere I go. Now I see how my name just chose me. Sweet Ruby Bluez seems perfect now. I truly am ready to set out and conquer this illness we have called depression!!  I am going to spread unconditional love and kindness  all over the World with a true 1950’s twist! Life can be simple. Life can be amazing. Life can be simply amazing and take your breath away ❤

Photo Courtesy of Miss Holly Von Merlot

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