I finally understand what it truly means to be strong. It is hard to first to understand what people mean when they say that. It looks differently for everybody. To have control of your emotions when everything feels like it is spinning out of control. It’s not an easy task to master. The fragility of the heart always leads us blindly into oblivion. I am that guilty member of that opposite sex that goes crazy when it comes to love. I love the way love feels even when it isn’t reciprocated. There is something to be said for having your destiny come into fruition and have your labour of love appreciated. I say appreciated or maybe accustomed because for the last month I have looked at myself, my family and my life with a new set of eyes. Most mornings I am frantically cooking both breakfast, lunch and dinner for my all whole crew. Even now I am baking fresh bread for my husand’s lunch. I don’t see it as work. I see it as been the greatest gift and honour to be able to stay at home and waste away my days. Except for the reality is it’s not a waste. I get to watch my beautiful boy grow, the dogs chase the cats and live fully away in this constant state of dreamland.
Sometimes we don’t realize how good things are right in front of us. I sure didn’t. I had set up a resistance movement towards my husband. We were growing further and further apart. What wasn’t growing wider was the desire we had growing deep within us given the armour we needed to weather the storm. It is scarey when life seems to be doing well. For me my anxiety increases. If I am truly happy, if I let my guard down that is when the bad stuff happens. Accidents that tear apart family, malicious rumours from the jealous or downtrodden or maybe an illness that you can no longer fight. All these things are still very tangible. When I begin to look at my life I realize I am surrounded by material things. I have alot of pretty things. We have a house, vehicles, we are lucky enough to have medical and dental. Things are looking up. It is super scarey to live in the moment. I would rater be miserable and want for nothing then to be truly happy even for a day. I am working on shifting my way of thinking. It is hard to do.
Sometimes I like to consider the lives of those around me. We are all struggling with life around us. There so much more negative energy engrained in everything we do. It’s easier I guess to disengage and engage in the World with conversation. We still fail to realize that we has a simple human being have the power to save each other. We can save each other from being sad, being scared, being alone. It is as simple as a smile or a warm hug. How is it that a species that thrive on love we are too scared to embrace that skill with each other. It’s so much more than the physcial satisfaction that we all limit ourselves too. Good for you. Sex feels good no big surprises there. But it is also something you can achieve alone too. So that answers the question bad sex doesn’t replace masturbation with somebody you love. Somebody you love being you. I used to hold my head in shame alot. Just not being able to say the right things at the right time you know. I was so ackward…around everybody. I guess that is why I choose to drink so much. It was so much easier blacking out and being an asshole then trying to come out of my shell. I drank alot before I met my husband. Oddly now I have very little desire to drink. I will admit a beer here and there is delicious.
I am really testing the theory that we need to take care of our bodies. Both from a spiritual/energy sense to the physical. It has been a month with no meat. Right now with those three teeth being pulled out I am on a smoothie diet. Can’t get enough of them. Of course I am using almond milk. I still have dairy in my diet so far but not in the amounts before. My sweet teeth is out of this world these days. I know gummy stuff have animal byproducts so it’s been alot of homebaked treats and sweet tarts lol I am also in my second fermentation process for my own Kombucha home brew. Recycling and composting has also been a focus of mine over the last month. It’s more of just finding a balance and living life harmoniously. In harmony with my surroundings and with the way life is unfolding. I always wanted to be a point of grounding for people. You know when the whole world has gone completely crazy I wanted to be the beacon of hope. The lighthouse that is prepared to weather the storm because it is only a matter of time before calm waters appear again. Nothing lasts in a volatile state forever. It’s just the way human nature is. It is the way nature is. Survival of the fittest. What if the fittest were actually those whose spirit was the fittest. Not so much any more the beauty or the brawns. I look for ubstance in all interactions that I partake in. It makes those simple life moments seem that much better. Like a savoury dish on a a cold wintery day nothing comforts the soul more than a warm inside hug. That feeling of being able to relax and just absorb in the energy from the day.
It is a hard concept to grass in a sea full of beauty what we all strive towards what we all achieve is that feeling of being nothing. We are all nothing at the end of the day. We can’t take any of the fine beautiful things we have spent a lifetime acquiring. Maybe there were fights to get to where we are. Maybe we stole somebody elses dream in the process. Maybe we still frequently visit the past to stir up old demons. We seem to focus alot of time on energy in those things that irate us versus those that make us smile. I dress up solely for me and the way I feel when I am wearing something I love. I get the desire of saving your best clothes for a special occasion. Isn’t every occassion ideally a special occasion so we should plan and dress accordingly. I remember when I went in to vote I was dressed in my new favourity skirt, sweater and had a perfect set come out in my hair. I joked with the ladies as they asked if I was part of the wedding next door. Getting into character I said this ol thing!! I just dressed up to come out and do this. We were going to my sister’s but it is still fun to play. There was a time for those ladies when dressing up was as common as going to church on Sundays. There was a feeling of great accomplishment when looking your best. I am not to sure what is going on these days. I have been guilty of wearing pajama bottoms out when I was hung over. The whole sweat pant/legging trend is something I just can’t get behind. I mean I do it from time to time. Not very often. A part of me says that I should do a year’s challenge of nothing but skirts and dresses. My grandmother spent her whole life wearing all dresses. I thought how fun would it be wearing different stockings in different colors to really embrace the feminimity of the time.
They say the secret to our lives lay inside deep within us all. You have to sit very still and focus on your breath until one day you have this realization that hits you. Some people get an overwhelming sense of well being and others get terrified of what they have seen. Throughout all the readings and teaching throughout time mediation is the key. The problem though is if we do not have a true understanding of who we are or what is we hope to accomplish with our lives. We know that there is no way we were just born to live and then die. Life can be so tortureous and in the same breath it can take your breath away. We have been granted this incredible priviledge to all live in this time together. We have been doing the same thing for thousand of years yet we have made no progress. The only advancements we have made are to those that really have no tangible benefit to us in the after life. We have still been conditioned to want more, to hoard more, to bulldoze those who get in our way. You know I have heard the people who think that life should just be lived in their idea image. That is ok with me as long as I am not affected in anyway. What I know that grows inside of me is the ability to love. The ability to empathisize and soothe those that are hurting. I have a desire to live and love and experience as many individuals as possible. If the power of our words can turn somebody’s day into something of limitless potential then it will always be worth it to me to try. If the expression of our life is just trying to decipher the language we need to be using then it seems like a welcoming and warm challenge. All that is required of us is to live simply regarding our fellow man and raising the standard within ourselves that we will allow ourselves to be ok with. Learning to love a stranger in times when it is needed most is something we should all strive for. There is beauty in our individual lives, there is an art when we blend our lives together, we could last until eternity if we could all sing in harmony together.