In this altered sense of time and lack of reality we grow farther from our senses as we struggle to achieve the ideal life. What makes a life ideal? Am I on the right path? There is no way of truly knowing until we reflect back on all that we have done. We will either sigh with relief or we will panic with regret. It is a hard time to be alive. It is a challenging time to be alive. With so many what appears to be friends it is hard to see those foes that have been silently waiting amongst the shadows. That aged old saying , “It will never happen to me.” begins to dance in and out of your subconcious. It is an interesting time alive although we are really not that interesting as a whole. The very essence that is me being polluted with the arrogant views of a few. It’s a very vast and empty statement but hopefully soon in time you will agree. Even watching the news has become an information portal of how we have failed each other. There is rarely any news that is cause for a celebration. The last time I saw any festitivities on the TV it was when a new Philipino fast frood chain opened up here in Alberta.
Today’s day and age is scarey to me. This is coming from a time where a grew up where we would leave the house with nothing but a road map. We would go off into the great unknown with directions and camping gear and never look back. Now I can’t imagine leaving the house without a cell phone that has GPS. We think that we have made this huge advancements in technology by allowing computer to do all the work. All that is doing is turning our brain’s to mush. We should all have the basic skills to keep us alive in any event but I don’t even know if half of the population can make it down to the end of the block without a GPS. A family used to also share a phone line. We appreciated the value in the here and now and didn’t need to have a phone in our pocket. Back then pay phones were actually used to let your parents know that you were ok. Before call display we were able to lie about our whereabouts but that is now a thing of the past. The more extreme our monitoring of each other gets the more rules and laws that have to be broken to break them. There is a reason why each and every one of us was given freedom of choice. As a mother I do fear for the day when my son is old enough to make his own decision. I try to encourage good behaviour and good practices now. I also let him make minor choices so he can feel empowered in his life.
With the hectic pace of the World around me I like to slow down and take some time to breathe. The whole room could be in utter chaos and I would be the one in the middle of the room absorbing just being. That is one of the best practices anybody can have. I mean to fully be present in the moment. Take in all the senses. Smells, sights, tastes. Look around and envision for just a moment what life feels like for those around you. We all have a storey. We are just all way to busy to hear them. For the last several years I have been working on just slowing my inner clock. I have learned to appreciate the value in a moment and my surroundings. I have seen some people close to me come to fast unfortunate ends. When I think about these people that in my mind were taken far too soon it’s only because I don’t know the entire picture. In life there is no guarantee (except for death and taxes). We all move towards death without acknowledging it. That is why we were born. There has to be meaning in that somewhere though doesn’t there? Where we born to steamroll over those that don’t look like us? Who don’t think like us? Or is it us that needs to change? What seems to be hot on everybody’s list is this blind ignorance into nothingness. The ignoring of other peoples emotions, fears and shortcomings. We weren’t put on this Earth to fight over such trivial matters of World domination or control. It’s trivial because what does that all get you? You can be at the peak of your life and it can all turn on a dime. A bullet or an accident can take your place to ensure that there is nothing left of you to offer in the future.
There is something eerily peaceful as thinking about that day. When I am not too scared I think about it myself. My fear comes into play when it comes to thinking of those I leave behind. It is hard to think that if something dire were to happen that there would be so much left behind. There will be secrets that come to light through rummaging of ones memories. When left to the pictures and possessions that were somebody’s life, somebody you loved life it becomes hard. Holding onto things that could have possibly be garbage to them. The closest I ever got to going through somebody’s possessions was my Grandmother. It is not like she passed suddenly but I guess when your time comes it is sudden. She was an eccentric ol granny who loved glittery nail polish and her family. Cleaning out her night stand there was a Journal. In the jounral she talked about how she wished her family would visit her more and how alone she felt. There’s the bittersweet part. You love having something that remind you of her in her own handwriting but within its cover in her flawless hand writing were the words where she felt neglected. She lived with her daughter but after her first husband left (back when my mom was 13) she never found love again. That put alot of things into perspective for me. Or maybe it made it more skewed. Looking through the pages of her life I thought that maybe there was something to true love. She was convinced that he was hers. Who knows how different there relationship could have been if tested with today’s constraints. Everybody knows everybody’s business before you even get home. She also had her mask from when she had radiation done. She had a rare brain tumor that was treated many years ago. In the end it was pnemonia that took her. The doctors said that her tumour had returned. In the end she was just gone. Gone in the physical sense. What she left us was this impression in our hearts on what life was supposed to be like. Sitting in that room amongst all of her stuff I knew that this death thing was something I was going to always have to experience until the day I die.
I can cry at anything at almost anytime. I like how it feels. The feeling of water rushing through your body in your time of needs helps one to feel cleanses. I have gained alot of control over my emotions these days. Yes I can feel the emotions of those around me. Yes at first I became incredibly overwhelmed and at times a lil emotional (take from lil emotional as you will) but I have accepted this as lifes greatest gift. The ability to love selflessly while trying to remain the lighthouse of hope in the room. It is hard to smile when the weight of the world has overcome its victims. I know this too. I have been in a room with a wife on one side and the mom on the other trying to keep their loved one from crossing over. Some people can’t handle the though of being touched in that moment. There only thought is to hold on until their loved one returns. There is alot of guilt when somebody passes on. There are no more words, no more chances, no more hellos or goodbyes. It’s final, it’s concrete, it is the only thing that wealth and power can not by. It is forever. Without knowing what forever means we feel even more sad. We want confirmation that are loved one lives on somewhere anywhere. It is only with that knowledge that we can live freely knowing that in time our paths will cross again. What if our paths are never destined to cross again. What if this life as we know it only prepares us for our next lifetime. Would you live differently knowing that in going forward you have to leave it all behind? The hardest thing is to detach yourself from all your wordly possessions. But if people aren’t possessions, because nobody should own the freedom of another, and if we are to free ourselves from our wordly possessions. Does that mean that we in fact don’t have to seperate as beings and we will be free to find each other in the after life? Is the after life really after or is it merely the beginning. If this is te practice round to a better tomorrow have you done all that you can? Not to make the world a better place but to make yourself, inside that much better. The acquiring of possessions does feel more like a game then the actual meaning of life. Life can not be defined as merely that. It is so intrinsic and beautiful in nature that for centuries the true definition has never been found. It is the movements combined where the definition arises that can only make sense by the ones being moved.