The Beautiful Unrest of a Soul on Fire

Some of us have these feelings of inadaquecy. Like our life purpose is somehow getting missed. We conform to the ideologies of those that we feel that have been successful at life. We explore their habits. We explore their existence all looking for the answer that we all long for that none of us are privy to fully understand. The common denominator that we all have is that we are all destined to be alone. Either in the physical or in our minds. I am curious though does that mean that we are maybe polyamorous creatures. Even as I consider this possibility I consider the fact the homicidal jealous rage that some of us get into and decide that maybe that isn’t the right directional course either. Take me for example. I am married, sometimes happily, but we haven’t even had any intimacy since our wedding kiss. I think that may have been our last true kiss of passion. We were married May 13, 2017. We never even consummated our union. It is kind of hard to believe in the traditional senses when this is the outcome. It is not like I am desiring for anybody else. However I do have this burning inside me growing that tells me that physical interaction may be important to our own mental well being.

So in these moment of reflection I begin to question our purpose and exactly what is it we are supposed to be getting from these experiences. If I really sit and consider what I love about being alive it is the simple pleasure engaging in each other in such a way that nothing else matters but that time and space in between us. It isn’t a physical thing anymore. At least for me. It begins to bubble but I have been pretty skilled at surpressing the urges. You know when I got married I knew that sex became hard but I can’t believe that it is completely banished from existence. Even in my parents volatile marriage I still caught them once or twice in the act. I spent 37 years alone. I know I have what it takes to make it. Maybe the extravagant stuff would have to sit on the sidelines but I still managed just fine. And yes my spiritual growth would also have to take a rest for a bit while I get used to another new normal Exactly when did life get so complicated we have all these different sizes, flavours, varieties, kinds. No wonder why we are never at peace with what is in front of us.

My true frustration comes when all I am looking for is basic human compassion. With so much passing of time we almost have to rekindle, or try and rekindle what is lost. In the changing World where everybody so quickly just gives up and moves on I am hesitant to do so. There has been no proven success to this method either. The only true success  I have to go on is those that have had successful marriages before us. Take my grandparents. They never divorced. They never remarried. In the end I saw them sitting around watching TV. Sometimes my Grandma would be in the other room but they still managed. She covered up his alzheimers successful. Her passing was a shock for everyone. Almost immediately my Grandpa’s mind slipped. Almost like his brain protection him from what the physical World couldn’t. When you witness true love you realize that it was never derived from sex. Maybe passion but the common link was a mutual respect and love for each other. There is no award for going to bed with the most people. Those people more than likely lead a very lonely existence. We all do when we near the end. People never visit as much as we wish they did. Life ensure that we stay too busy for that.

So here it is. The truth about marriage. Marriage was never designed for romance. It was a decision by two people that no matter what they were prepared to spend the rest of their lives with each other. Like a true bonded friend. When the going gets tough you dig your heels in and figure it out together. Not rock the garter and stilettos and see what can be found. We get the power of choice in our partners so if we utilize our true abilities we should find someone that works right? Do we really need them all? There is a rumour believed that once you have sex with someone your souls are forever twined to each other. I can’t believe that. Maybe in the union of mutual orgasm that can be believed but why on earth would you be connected to somebody if the Earth didn’t shake. You knw toes curled, hair stand on end…I heard that exists doesn’t it? The point is we are still capable of choice aren’t we? Maybe in death we don’t get that freedom and that is the gift of life. The freedom to live a life free of negativity and abuse.

The competition that we are constantly engaged in amongst each other is surreal. I mean I had to take a look at the company I was keeping. There are no way there can be whispers about you if you aren’t around right? Oddly there still is but at least you know that whatever is being said about you is not a misinterpretation just all lies. Humans are the funniest of creatures. Most of us would rather celebrate in each others failures than come together in celebration. Imagine. There is no competition anymore in children sports. We want everybody to feel like a winner even when nothing was won. We are creating all these young people that have no concept of losing. That is life. Somebody loses. And guess what it is ok to lose. Losing is almost better. It says you had the courage to participate and try and had fun doing it. I real loser is the one who compliments and cheers with the winner because they know that in time they will have their time to shine too. Maybe that is why under age violence is on the rise. Oh you lost! You never lose! Make tht person pay.

Now in a post that really has no meaning (yet again) I will touch on a topic that infurriates my soul.  Her in Calgary a case worker was murdered by an 18 year old at a care facility. My friend who works for the organization had a post about her co-worker. Underneath the post somebody commented I wondered what she said to him. Uhmmm NO!!!`There is no exscuse in this World for you to maliciously take a human life (I say maliciously because there are a few like self defense etc). I guess if she held a gun to his head then yes sure but that just lite me on fire. We need to stop giving exscuses to these arrogant pieces of cow dung and lock them away for ever (or deport them). This is my life! Our life and we need to have it taken more seriously. It’s disgusting that the comment she felt to make was that. I don’t care. Murder is just that act we should never be ok with. Somehow we have even minimized that. There are so many awful human beings walking amongst us that have done horrible things. Like I had to open a bank account for a serial rapist once. Then a pedophile. Most of these people recommmit because let’s be real 5 to 10 years just escalates the violence as you compare notes and devise a new grotesque plan. I guess we don’t even have a value on human life anymore as it has been so diluted with misconceptions.

So in my marriage I may feel inadequate. As a mom and wife I know I am doing the best that I can. I love my role even if it mean staying distant from my mate. I spend alot of time working on me, my son’s growth and maybe there can be something sparked between us. I know the fastest way to destroy my marriage is to begin to look outside of it. I am still very much exploring the layers of depth that is between us. As long as there is no negative repercussions to our union I feel it is safe to do so. I have become alot bettwer at communicating with my husband my needs. I have also been able to utilize my new skill of stillness while quieting my mind. The growth I have experienced over this time frame as been insane. In times where I would have been livid, looking towards the bottle or engaging in negative interactions with friends who were just too toxic I have looked for the answers within. I find that I am more at peace with who I am these days. I look forward to my day of playing music, reading, and writing my thoughts down. I know from here I can work towards my goal of infecting the World with positivity and kindness. At least that is still my motivation. To make the World a bettwer place for my son. All that my son knows is that we are best friends. He doesn’t know that there is passion missing. That needs to be addressed before his young mind begins to develop. He is a sponge and what he sees in us will define who is is as an adult. I don’t know if it is me being inadequate or maybe if it is me just being on fire. I see the world for all that it is. I know that this can’t be sustained. Tell me the last headline you saw that came from love insead of egotistical mindset and hate. I guess for now I will be content with being spiritually awoken until another path unfolds before me. Let’s hope this fire never burns out.


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