I wonder what it would take for the life to ever return to a simplistic state where we truly are free to engage in the life that we so desire. There are so many limitiations constantly being imposed on everyday. And if we aren’t subject to limitations then there is no avoiding the onslaught of narrow minded personal opinions that life full time on all our air waves making it impossible for any of us to truly realize our true potential. How many of us actually have a dream? Do we live close to it? Or is it simply the dreams of another person and they have us pulling our hair out trying to live in their image. Wouldn’t you assume that your gift to the World would just come naturally and with ease. Like a magnet drawn to each other you think your hidden talent would come to light when you expore all avenues you can walk down.
I was guilty of that mentality. I was trying to hard to win my dad’s love that I chose an educational path and then a career path that may not have been my own. All I wanted to do was go to school, get a degree and have one company that I worked for for life. Just like my dad did. There is just so much white noise in the way it is hard to keep yourself focused. Even worse when you aren’t entirely driven to work in the career that you chose. I worked for 7 years longer than I should have ( I think I worked 7.5 years in total). I think what ruined banking for me is I loved the helping out part. Giving soud financial advice and helping others get secure in their future. What they didn’t tell you is nobody but maybe the top 10% live like that. The rest are struggling. Living paycheck, depressed, strapped, angry. The worst feeling in the World was knowing that people would flat out lie to you to try and get you to do what they want. I can see your bank records and yes you have zero dollars but the fact you keep telling me you need money for baby diapers well then maybe you shouldn’t have spent your whole check at the liquor store. I was yelled at, spit on and even once I had a hand raised to me. For why? Cause you can’t control your spending? That was it for me. I tried to stay in it for as long as I can but add in the constant pressures from management to remortgage a third 4th or 5th time. Nah. I made a mistake this wasn’t the career path for me. Maybe it was the being confined to an office watching the World pass me by or maybe it was the co-worker who asked me for a threeway. Needless to say my depression was at an all time high and all I wanted was to work and live comfortably.
It is impossible to be single and living any kind of life in ay city. I managed for maybe a decade. I was working 3 to 4 jobs all hours of the day and weekend. I would pray I would never have a day off because in that day off I woud fit in a months worth of partying. Sometimes being tired of the constant having nothing I would try and date but because of mental state I was just attracting a male version of myself but worse. These male versions were dirty, had no manners and were cheaters. Like this one guy I met in the Cold Beer and Wine store where I worked. This should have been a HUGE warning for me. He came in early at the start of my shift and bought a single can, then a bit later another single. Here is what I now know. When anybody does this not only are they an alcoholic but usually they are unemployed. I was just swayed by his good looks and brand new leather jacket I guess. Back in my younger days I took this as meaning he was a bad ass. So here is what ended up happening. Of course he was somewhat nice in the beginning he was sober. After agreeing to a date in a park (he was banned from most places) he became completely drunk, peed in front of children and told off a senior. Yes that was my Prince Charming. Needless to say I let him hang around for 3 months longer than he should. In the end when the cops came to take him away he stole my DVD collection, a bag of potatoes and my HUGE box of oatmeal. And he let my dog run away. I asked the cops what was in his car and thats when I found out he was stealing from me. The DVD’s were to pawn and get more drugs in the end I heard he was on crack. The potatoes and oats. Oh ya that was just to hurt me I used to compete in bodybuidling shows. Strapped for cash I always bought in bulk so my nutrition was covered. He stole those things to hurt me. What an ASS!! And he cheated on me and lied about it. Looking back now I was greatful I woke up after only 3 months. That had the potential of being all wrong.
I wish we didn’t make a mes out of everything. I know in this day and age a woman is free to work if she wishes but what if all she wants is to love her family. This is where I long for the days of simplicity. I know that there is no way that my husband could ever work a 9-5 but to me that is ultimate bliss. We are all so busy these days at all hours of the day that there is no such thing as a normal schedule. I would love nothing more than breakfast all together before work and school. As I send my boys off into the World with a nutritious lunch then my day can start. Cooking, cleaning, baking, taking care of the furbabies, community involvement, craft time, reading, violin, gardening, decorating (some selfish activities but others are to make the family unit stronger). I remember asking my husband if we could paint and decorate etc (not the carpet because well we need to save for a huge expenditure). At first he didn’t see the impotance but if my house is my “office” should I just love it. He finally let me paint my kitchen pink and teal and it truly does instantly brighten my day. I am mentioning all this because I am curious…when did it all come about that we cared more about the outside stimuli then the stimulation from within. Why are we so desensitized? It is so incredibly maddening to think that that period of time when family meant something is about to die. That tradition, those feelings, that came at a time when our elderly were our age. They knew what was important and had a value on human interaction. They fought and died for us to have that. And now sadly it seems that their sacrifice was for nothing. They wanted life to be easier for their ancestors and what they got was something straight out of a Steven King novel.
We have let murder and intolerance take over our streets. We are so far behind in our thinking that I am pretty sure that the World will stop and go in the other direction. Guess what I just read. Tell me if our children are growing up to soon and not enjoying their childhood. In Texas their school board passed that they will be adopting a sexual forward program. They are actually going to teach OUR children about anal sex!!! This is an outrage. Children should be learning that this top of behaviour is best left for the adults. Anybody else remember that program “Don’t Touch My Body My Body Belongs to Me” or whatever it was. I guess in the 90’s all these dirty old men weren’t dirty old men yet. To think that there is alot of pedophiles out there that we have no idea about. That is the evil that walks amongst us. The ones that want to rob our innocence. Why on Earth we still protect these men. You know that we do Prince Albert got exhiled…really Queen E exhiled? your brother was best friends with Epstein so naturally one can assume. Oh and factor in Epstein’s murder it all just leads to a bunch of guilty pedophiles who should be exhiled off this Earth. But what do I know. I am just a mother sitting over here thinking WTF is going on today. Am I the only one that wishes that life was more about trading goods again. Oh you need some potatoes here’s some apples. Why did we just sit back and let this all happen. I try to think if there is a possible solution where maybe just maybe we aren’t going to drive ourselves into the ground but its here its coming. We are going to build until there is no more land. We are going to melt all the ice caps till the Ocean’s dry up, we are going to dehumanize each other to we revert back to our animalstic state. Because let’s face it that has already been started. With the escalation of violen and the grotesque torture of animals and pets. We are reverting backwards as a cililization instead of forward. Looks like there is such a thing as too much good. I wonder when it all started getting bad. I still hold onto the idea that maybe during one of the Wars we lost and they have been rewriting the history books ever since then to cover up the brainwashing that is happening now. Most of us our drones just following the masses too scared to speak out and be isolate from the crowd. There is something a little bit bizarre about it all, don’t you think?