For those that have been following my daily journey you would have caught on to the strong desire I have to try and come to terms with our existence. I know right? How can one person ever hope to understand what centuries before us have failed to acknowledge. Maybe it was once in our grasp but the reality of finding true peace within ourselves is fleeting. We are so far away from what lies within our heart we should all be a little bit fearful. Instead of living in the moment for the moemnt we allow this internal dialogue to dictate our patterns and to some degree our essence. At times the voice inside of us can serve as a guide but as outlined in the first chapter of “The Power of Now” by Eckhart Tolle. I guess that is why I chose to identify this post as the title of his first Chapter. The complexity of the nature of what he is trying to communicate at times seems out of my grasp. I mean if I am not my mind and I am not my ego who am I? Does me as a being actually exist. How does one still the mind and be present in the moment. No internal dialogue. Nothing but stillness and the awarenes of being in the moment. How does one get there?
Do you remember your mom telling you “If you don’t have anything nice to say don’t say nothing at all?” Well maybe that was the start of us filling our mind with constant white noise making it impossible to hear ourselves. How many times have you seen an outfit that wasn’t in your taste and then you started an internal dialogue with yourself saying so. Or if you have ever worked in the service industry you have that dialogue in your mind with the one who is pissing you off. This is all conditioning ourselves to be miserable and attract more negative emotions into ourselves. That internal self dialogue although it can give us a sense of power is usually on there for a short period. Kind of like daunting us. Trust me I can play nice your mind says. Just like an old friend that you long to trust with your whole heart when you are betrayed the blow can be devasting. We are enslaved by our mind and succomb to losing our free will. I had no idea that the secret to true happiness was a stillness and calm revelation in the mind.
So that leads me to think that if we can quiet the mind and be free from all thought doesn’t that take away from our very essence of being? Isn’t that what makes us human? Our ability to think freely and of course choice. Without choice we all become drones destine to fail. Don’t we? By failing not to live in the moment we can be overcome with all the previous garbage that is waiting to dump on us. Isn’t that why we always feel said? feel pain? feel unloved? The constant reminder of the things that happened to us before serves as an exscuse not to live free. I have been guilty of that mentality too. It was far easier (or so I thought) to drown my sorrows after things didn’t go my way. Instead of looking inside and trying to connect with my inner peace I would lash out negatively and destroy any little pieces that I may have been working on. I spent alot of time in the wee hours of the morning playing crib on my phone and doing lines of blow. I would do this alone. I was so embarassed about what my life had been amounted to that I had no desire to change. Maybe in the moment in the early hours of the evening. You know when you drag somebody else down with you to feed your pain. There is always a time in the evening for me when I just wanted to be alone. The first couple dringks and lines always brought this courage inside of me telling me that I could change. That my life could be worth something if I just tried. To be honest. I had no more try left in me.
When you hit your mid 30’s and you are still living in a bachelor pad with no future prospects. Maybe I had no idea that the future was even a possibility for me. When you fast forward the storey of your life and get to the ending you are always more than likely alone and more than likely just fed up with it all. Curiously that is exactly how I felt at this point. I had three minimum wage jobs where in one job I would start at 5:15am and the next one would have me working till 2am. If you have ever lived downtown Calgary the transit system seems to take a sidecar to nowhere. After my shift serving in heels on cement floor I would have to walk the 30 min home crossing the Red Mile. The Red Mile being the notorious party road littered with bars and late night restaurants. There is always a fear at that time in the morning when all you want to do is rest and start the next day. Relationships take a side burner even though in your heart that is all you want. There is no noise louder then the internal dialogue you hear when you are at your lowest point. According Tolle that is the exact thing that is preventing us from sheer bliss. Our minds instead of working for us are working against.
There is wealth in connecting with your inner being before your ego pollutes your mind with the alternative. Enlightenment is something believed to be acquired by those only worthy of it. The truth is we all have the power to feel connected with what makes us exist in the first place. It is just our minds way of getting in the way out of maybe fear or maybe this strange manipulated idea that connectedness is something to be feared and therefore the flight in all of us kicks in. More than likely we have been let down by others in our past so we are reminded of that feeling of abandonement. The thing is if we live true to ourselves we will never feel abandoned. The power to truly be and feel happiness will come when all your insecurities about everything in your life fade away and the tranquil peace of acceptance finally begins to fill your mind. There is no right and the only wrong is the inability to be still and be at one in the moment. Trust me I have no idea how this is even possible. I am always chattering away to myself about everything. Some things are void of emotion so is that still a negative hinderence for me to feel enlightened. Maybe I am scared a little to completely let go. I am scared that maybe this will contain the answers I am seeking. They will either be directly confirmed or indirectly by the lack of anything at all. Wait does that make sense. How can I confirm the lack of enlightenment if I have no idea what I am looking for or if it even exists? How does one even go about looking for tranquil peace in a world that is anything but.
What would happen if we all turned off the white noise in a simultaneous paradise. To exist with no fear and no worry of the reality in front of us could only be possible if the whole World is brought into inner silence together. It would never work with one out of sync. We would all have to worry what that one person was up to while we were at peace? Wouldn’t we? I can’t express to you enough how much my mind is working. How can my mind not be me? That doesn’t make sense. Is it possible to calm your mind to nothing? Well Eckhart believes so. Oddly his path to enlightenment came with no training no inclination no probing from himself. He was in a dire state of emotional suicide grasping for purpose for meaning. For anything or nothing that would return his sanity once again. What he explains next is a path that only he and others that have experience can truly understand. It is so odd to think that if the mind only cares for its survival why would it turn itself against us to be used in ways that only a person devoid of all emotions could understand. This life our lives are so complex and so entwined. It seems like an unfair punishment for a life we lived poorly. It is hard to know who truly is genuine and authentic as we are being crushed from all sides.
In order for me to fully comprehend that I am in fact not my mind will be a fully exhaustive process. Only consistent repition of the key points that he outlines will help me find my way. I mean if I think hard enough I guess there are moments where my mind is focused on the present moment. Take my violin playing. Maybe that is why I love it so much. When I play my mind is still. I am only focused on the notes ahead and the fingers I am going to need to use to make those notes sing. I do feel at peace in that moment and as I play a happy peace washes over me. I practice everyday. It used to be out of a desire to be able to play. It has since become my happy place. A place where time does stand still. Where there is no white noise or negative feedback. Where the only thing that can be heard is the haunting melody connecting my soul with eternity. A place where I am safe and my mind is set free. Maybe that is the key. I need to find a way to harness that energy into a more conscious way of being. I am up for the challenge of elightenment and self discovery. What do I have to lose really?