The reality that we asume is that we are just victims of circumstance. Unable to overcome certain shortfalls with the risk of becoming obsolete. It is much easier to conform to another’s idealogy instead of just being. Being present in your moment instead of somebody’s else’s is a very hard task. We have spoken amongst ourselves in order to try and give us the confidence to keep striving forward. There is always white noise from inside and from outside. At time it seems impossible to live in a tranquil state that should be the goal of those privvy enough to enjoy life. This space in time that we exist in is just that. A space in time that matters nothing to nobody except for what lies in your heart. Don’t you owe it to yourself to have the confidence to live in your own divine image free of any ridicule and negative torment. Aren’t we all born into these beautiful lives free to just be?
For as long as has been recorded throughout time we have this facination with death and what happens to us in the afterlife. What if there is no such thing as an afterlife but a consistent movement through space and time. The bittersweet relief of life transitioning into death. Death is only an idea that we have fabricated in our mind. Why is it so that the ending of our carbon body ceases the existence of our essence in time? Even when bloodied and marred from the demons of beings inhabiting the Earth only our mind stays intact. We have no idea what the thoughts of those trapped in their own minds are. Nor do we know whether or not they are fully capable or aware what is happening in their space. We prejudge and predetermine that with the lack of control of your physcial body that must mean you lost the essence of all that you are as well. I want to see that it is almost impossible for another being to destroy the essence that lies within but I know that isn’t true. We let our mind corrupt our ego and our ego to corrupt our being. We in fact our own enemy failing to live inthe moment and embrace and interact with those around us.
Some may say I have let me Ego affect my being. That dressing up everyday with hair done and makeup applied that I must automatically be doing it for some alterior motive. The only motive I have is this is how I identify myself as being so I embrace it everyday. It is not a means for a paycheck or to make others feel insecure. It is so that I can smile my biggest smile and play a character. A character that maybe others can identify with and see that my heart is genuine. My only goal is to connect with one another in order to make the World a better place. How do you recognize the pains of the World if you fail to go out and become absorbed by it. I still choose to travel and do pageants for many reasons. The first and foremost is in order for me to grow within myself I do have to experience other personalities, other minds, other egos. By only embracing those within my immediate circle I become stunted in my own personal growth and stunted with an unnatural way of being. Like a gang of high school girls sometimes it is best to move on from those who hinder you. The ones who laugh behind your back, who make you feel like you are not good enough and the ones who try to convince you what you are doing and who you are is selfish.
The one quality that I hate is jealousy. Right now in the state of mind that I have I don’t understand it. I want to celebrate in my friends victory and cheer them on always. I don’t want them to ever feel like there was nothing that they couldn’t accomplish. That green eyed monster that sits on some peoples shoulders is the disease that infects us all. Our jealous thoughts become a breeding ground for countless other emotions that if you are like me don’t necessarily have time for. I don’t have time to constantly look behind my back or compare myself to others. I just want to live a life full of love and free of judgement? Is that too much to ask. I am becoming better at recognizing those with impure hearts. In fact it is getting pretty easy. A selfless heart is my favourite. In that situation both hearts begin to feel full instead of one becoming anemic from trying to keep up with somebody else. Engage, engage, engage. Never miss out in an opportunity to connect with another life. Yesterday while out for a tea with a girlfriend we walked by two eldery ladies having coffee. I was wearing my favourite Pokey the Little Puppy skirt (of course). Well of course the ladies recognized the puppy right away. Others normally don’t becasuse well that was three decades ago when I wore that skirt. The ladies beamed and we talked about our outfits our style and the fact that it is nice to dress up with nowhere to go. The best feeling of dressing up is when you spark a fond memory of those from long ago. Imagine being older and recognizing all the mistakes the younger generation is making. It would be hard to feel a sense of peace in your heart. Well untill you happen apon two eccentric ladies who light up your heart.
During our visit I was trying to remind my mind to be present in the now. It is an incredible hard task for those just starting out. Like I knew I had a few errands and I was focused on next week when I travel across the country to meet a new group of Dames. Our minds are supposed to be a tool that we use when we allow them into being. I know for myself my mind is moving at a million thoughts a minute. Some good some bad. Just a mixute of thoughts that don’t add to my present state. There is a lot of talk about forgetting your past and looking towards the future. We can identify with the past and utilize it as a tool to be better in the future but we shouldn’t be using the past as a be all end all. We don’t live there anymore. It’s like a dream or a fraction of reality that may or may not have even happened so why dwell on it. Just like thinking to much in the future will cause anxiety in the present. I am guilty of living in all three places. The past, present and future. My work ahead is to really focus on quieting the mind so I can truly identify with the essence underneath. I have a pretty good idea who I am outside of myself I just need to identify with her fully in the present and only in the present.
How does one live in the moment with so much on the go. There are appointments, obligations and overall goals that all require a specific time. It is hard to wrap your head around the complexity of it all. At least that is what I am finding. I remind myself to live in the current moment as much as I can within the constraints of living a modern life entail. Maybe in time it will all be unvieled to me. Or maybe my time will run out before that is even possible. But it does make sense that the only current moment that we have is the one we are living in. There is no way to finitely determine the outcome of anything it is we are engaging in. Call it chance. Call it fate but everything will unravel in the time and space that is meant to. Look at all the weird accidents that happen around us. People love to say you were in the wrong place at the wrong time but what if the reverse is true. What if you were meant to be there and learn from that experience. We hate embracing the negative moments in our lives because they hurt too much. But in others they love reliving in their pain because maybe just maybe they will be forced to feel something. Years of living in the shadows has desensitized your essence into even being. We know those that walk aimlessly through the streets. No emotions or feelings or even presence of space. How odd to live a life so far removed from the presence moment. Sometimes it is comforting to be sad but there is always a time and place. That time and place comes when you are strong enough to not be overcome with the poison that you are about to unleash. That is in fact what negativity is. It is a poison that once it infects its host it destroys any and all conscious thought. There is no place in this World for malicious or negative behaviour yet that is all we see. I think for now I will limit my interactions with the outside world because I am just coming into my own. I feel strong but words have been designed to destroy. How I wish that we communicated more from a loving space instead of a place ravaged by animosity and hate. There is a value of time and there is a value of being. My confidence doesn’t come from a place where I think I am better. My confidence is from recognizing who I am underneath and identifying with her. My confidence comes because I know that the secret to it all lies within us. I am not shackled to my past or driven by my future. I am learning just how infecting it is to laugh instead of cry. That a smile truly does shorten the distance from strangers. I believe that my just being will help others to reach out and harness their power that comes from inside. I will never be better than those that walk amongst me. There is no sense of better. Just a more conscious awareness of being and the infectious power of being able to just let go.