Selfishly Selfish or a Beggar’s Greed

The ugliest quality that most of us possess is selfishness. We are all guilty of some points in our life. Honking at other cars, rolling your eyes at people crossing the crosswalk, reading a text and not responding. Any time that we value our time ahead of any else’s it is a form of being selfish. We think that because it is us and we need to look out for #1 we put ourselves ahead of all else. At least that is what we should be doing right? We should have set up proper boundaries to protect ourselves but we should also have enough sense to help out those around us right? What happens when we become to blind to see what is happening around us? What happens when we decide that our success is the only success that matters? What becomes of us when we decide to selfishly move into the future like we earned a spot at the table. What does it even mean to earn a spot? At what table? Exactly who is it I am trying to impress when I venture out into the World. There must be a motive to what I do isn’t there. Some odd financial gain to trying to live in a World in my most selfless image.

I was an incredible selfish and vile young girl. I had no understanding of myself or other around me and I just fell into this dark period for a while. There was always these senses and feelings of wanting to live differently.  The reality is when you are sitting there in the dark on the grossest carpet man has ever seen you realize that maybe this is just what you deserve. You finally get what you got for being you all these years. Karma I guess that is what we decide it’s called. A predetermination that our lives are destined to be nothing and meaningless because that is the hand that I was dealt with so I just have to learn to be ok with mediocre. Right? The chances that somebody like me could even see a glimpse of happiness was far beyond my reach. So now here it is. As simple as it was for me to go off on how the world has forgotten about me I bet you there was somebody else much worse off. Just sit and think about that. As I wallowed in my own self pity somebody else was losing a loved, finding out they were sick, getting evicted, getting there power cut off. And here I was complaining about what? The roof over my head? The food in my fridge. Ya at times the food in that fridge is not necessarily what I want to eat but that is no reason for a tantrum is it? Before yes of course. I remember walking to get fast food from my apartment downtown at all hours of the night. Like that box of KD or can of coup wasn’t good enough. Meanwhile just down the street there were actual humans starving and no way to come in from the cold. At the time everything I did just seemed like it was adding. Nothing in my life really contributed to what my heart was feeling. This desperate need to actually full heartedly be a part of the solution instead of doing nothing at all. Before when I did nothing I would convince myself that at least I wasn’t adding to it. But it is doing nothing that we actually contribute way more.

Here’s the problem with doing nothing.  At 6 in the morning there were two passengers on a train. Well more than two but these two are the subject of the storey. An old man was sitting in the corner on the bench trying to get warm. You could tell that he had nowhere else to go and just wanted to unthaw for awhile. His skin was weathered and leathered from the elements and you can see the sadness in the eyes. Nobody spoke to him. Nobody spoke to anybody. The doors opened and in walked the tallest, biggest man I had ever seen. He barked at the homeless man to get up and off the train. Cursed at him for taking up space on a fare he envade. He was so hostile and angry he got in the face of the older man. He lifted his fist in anger and spat in his face. NOBODY did anything. Not even the men wearing hard hats that were sitting beside him. They all stood there with their heads down to the ground afraid to make eye contact. They were ready for this man to get his skull crushed in because they saw more value in who they were. There fear of being hurt stunted them from being able to help. As the doors opened I ran to the conductor of the train and told him that three cars down there was a HUGE physical altercation about to errupt. Now this happens everywhere. All the time. Our depressed sense of being is beginning to spill out in the course of our natural days.  We have become our own worse poisonous. Addicted to the very things that kill us leading us towards a certain anniliation.

egg power fear hammer
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When we can revert to the very act loving somebody because they were created in the same time period as us that should be it. Not instilling these values that no longer apply nor have they ever applied. To my knowledge it takes one man and one woman to create one being. That one being becomes it’s own seoerate entity. Free to make it’s own thoughts about their own life. All of a sudden though their brains get polluted with our version of what life should be. We restrict their natural instincts from fully developing. We rob our children from learning the skill of utilizing their senses to feel when something is wrong. Every parent is different right? Well ask the parent who has a different opinion then you. All of a sudden you are insane and their idea is the only one that matters. Parenting tips and politics are the two taboo topics of the world. Avoid them at all costs. Trust me everybody has an opinion. Keep it at just that. As I think about what I actually want to teach my son the only thing that is required are basic skills. Knowing right from wrong, being a polite lil man and to clean up as you go. I give him alot of freedom to express who he truly wants to be. I spend time with him when he needs. We read, play dance, watch tv. Together we just be. I try to focus on the moment. His smile, how twirling his hair feels in between my fingers, I steal a way a kiss or two or a thousand and I truly appreciate that moment. I don’t need to teach him what the rest of the world is dying to contanimate his being with. My most important role is to embrace him for WHO he truly is. Not some misconceived notion of who I want him to be. I just want to nurture him in the best way possible and sit back and wait to watch him bloom. He is a lil person and he is fast becoming my best friend. He is growing into this beautiful healthy spirit that just want to laugh and share his smile with everybody. He absolutely loves being around people and sharing all that he has. That in itself is the greatest reward of being a mom. It isn’t so much all those titles that we throw on each other. It’s about the essence of our being that spills from the inside. It’s that part of us that is fully aware of the instrinsic yet simplistic beauty of all that life is. You don’t need years of wisdom to know how it feels to embrace the selfless side of you. You aren’t going to be destroyed thinking about others before yourself. It is conditioned inside of all of us to do what is necessary to survive. We do not need to be made aware of that. What we do need is to bring into focus our awareness of those around us who are suffering. Do you really believe that you are the only person worthy of inner peace. If you had what it took inside of you to make somebody else smile would you try to do so? That is all I want to do. It’s crazy to think that the lifestyle that I get to live now all though selfless in nature is seen to others as being selfish. The only desire I have in the world is to ease the pain and suffering of others. I am working on a campaign to try and combat mental illness/depression/suicide. For me it is not enough to read the headlines and blog about it. I am a mother, wife and friend and I have the power within me to try and reach those that are truly suffering. I am going to do everything I can with a full heart to try and make a difference.

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