When Your Father Hates You

We all experience these bouts of crippling depression where we feel we are no longer one with the world. We fail to see the beauty within anything including yourself. I have always had this dark bubble welling up inside me. I would replay my past looking for the exact rabbit hole I descended down until I was overcome by sheer madness. We should never look to blame one single person. The only person that should feel the shame of the finger pointing in their direction is the one who lost their sanity for even a minute. BUT isn’t it also true that evil forces walk amongst and they take the shape of many forms. With over 300 million suffering from depression there has to be more to this. When I look at my life closer (which I am growing tired of doing) I realize within all of us is somebody’s else’s shame that we are holding onto. Somebody elses secrets and lies that they hide from the World. Now with every cleansing breath and the reality sinks in. It is time to no longer protect the ones who would throw me under the bus. It is time to wash the memory board clean so I can move through this reality of life.  The Words I am about to share will forever severe a part of me from ever existing. It will finally lay the deceptive corpse to rest as I lay out MY truths. Cuz within me my truths, the people I love and the people I protect will always be the first ones to protect me back.

My parents are divorced. Like a ticking time bomb they waited until my sister went off to school and then BOOM! Life as we knew it was forever changed. Even being in our twenties it wass hard. Maybe it was harder because we were older and we understood more. It just wasn’t the daddy isn’t going to be living with us anymore speech. It was I found your mom cheating and I am kicking her out. In fact it was a race against time to see who would get there first. Of course it was my Dad as he took my Dad’s car. See he was the major bread winner. Our lives were paid for by just his paycheck. My mom worked to give us all the extras where she could. When my Dad walked into another man’s house and caught my mom asleep in his bed he lost it. Fueled by anger he couldn’t absorb the rest of his surroundings. Like the fact that the guy slept on the couch. Or that the mans house she stayed at was a friend who prevented her from driving home drunk. No it was my mom was a cheater and now she must pay. He made her walk from Trail to Park Siding up a mountainside to prove that she would choose her family over this guy. I guess you could say I know exactly where I got my mean streak from. She walked in the middle of the night through the pouring rain to come home. By the time she got there the doors were locked and her bags were packed and to my knowledge my parents never had a civil word again. My dad eventually returned her keys and told her to pack up her bags and leave. That was how I witnessed the break up of their marriage.

I was sitting there when she was walking down the hill. My Dad’s face was swollen to double the size. I was scared. My dad was my hero and now as I sat across from him and watch him cry my heart broke into a million pieces. I vowed right then and there that I would never be the reason to ever make my Dad cry. It turned out that what my Dad was having was an allergic reaction to tylenol but at the time we didn’t know that. I just saw a husband physcially breaking down after 20 plus years of marriage. My Dad’s biggest fear was that he didn’t want to grow old alone. Maybe that is why he tried to stay with my mom for long. If that is your sole purpose for being with somebody it will never work. I carried that motto with me for a bit. Looking for a partner that I could live with for the rest of my life. Not the partner that will love you for a short time and trade up. Dating for me became difficult without realizing it. My dad was on-line dating and it some respects it is true what they say predators of all shape and sizes lurk on the net. So now as I begin to tell you about all of this my life path will permanetly be altered but this storey bubble up inside of me everyday. I have since learned to deal with my emotions and can pretty much stop the tears from welling but if I am ever going to truly live free and embrace happiness I am ready to let go of any dead weight and let the beauty of the living over take me. When I say the beauty of the living I mean the life forms who want to celebrate and dance with you and not take away from your happiness. So here is the storey my descent into complete madness that made me walk in darkness for 15 years of my life.

In fact I think it was around Feb 2006. That was when the first private message came in. She knew exactly what to say to get her claws into my Dad.  I mean we can all feel that pressure of potential doom building but this was immediate. He met her a week before we flew to Mexico for his 2 week retirement party. We had so much fun. We drank, we rode donkeys, we went to waterfalls. We had the most amazing time as a family on our first International vacation. We vowed to do it every year. Basking in the hot son of Mexico in our towels with the Pacific Ocean at our feet this was our bliss. This was our heaven. Finally we felt we were becoming a family again destined to over take the World. Almost immediately apon the first day of us being there I noticed my dad was consummed with the computer lab that they had. Most likey they had dial up connection but whatever was lurking on that other side of that computer 2,000 miles away. Their relationship started suddenly and like a teen boy being led on by the promise of making it to second base she hooked my dad. I could see the toxicity pumping into the relationship as my dad desparetly tried to log onto to the computer to talk to her. Here we were on our first family vacation ever having the time of our lives and her he was trying to talk to a woman me met one week prior. There was nothing anything could have done or said to prevent my dad from becoming someone else. She took away all of his conscious thinking and replaced him with this shell that no one in our family knows. He has decided that all of us connected to him by blood is garbage. Not one of us was worthy enough to keep around.

In fact in the spirit of my dad I got angry at Carl’s Jr. I mean I yelled at my dad. I told him that I hated her. That if he decided to date her that he could not be a part of my life. Maybe it was my fault. I ask myself that alot. I would cry at a drop at a hat thinking about the loss of my dad. Grieving the loss of my dad. In their eyes I am a washed up drunk not worthy enough to see the light of day. It is not just me they say this about. Everybody on my Dad side has been severed from him. There is not one person that they talk to from his side.  To add to all of this they even talk down to the dead. His parents…worthless. His siblings…worthless. His children and grand children. There is not one person he has in his life on his side. To me this indicates the worst kind of abuse. We all know this. We are taught this in school. The #1 way an abuser gets the upper hand is to isolate you from your true core. We aren’t bad people. You loved us once. Now I will tell you the last peace that crushes my soul and hopefully I can experience some release. His only blood related grandson (I point this out because there was a time where he would throw that around like family and blood meant something. He has 5 grandkids that he already abandoned but thats another day.)  has been on this Earth for over 700 days and he has seen him for 3 hours.  Which is actually 0.00018% of the time he has been on this Earth. His exscuses: his garden, his dogs and now the latest one cuz I am taking my Uncles side (his brother). Holding the son that he always wanted in my arms I kiss his forehead. I brush his hair from his brow and stare deep into his eyes. Bringing him even closer I pray that there is no evil on this Earth that could shatter the way I feel for him in this moment. I hope my love is pure enough to hold true and the test of time. In order for me to believe that this is all possible I have to say goodbye to the man I thought I knew.  I realize now that the man I thought my dad was he never was. The pieces of me that mimic him I must disassociate myself with. In order for me to not become my father I have to let go of the image and the feelings of having a Dad. My Dad, my best friend, the man I would do anything for died that day in Mexico.  I knew it then as I desperately begged him to choose me over a woman he met a week ago. He was never the same after the divorce. Maybe that is when he first began to snap. The man I remember and the man I loved did everything with us and for us. He used to be proud of his girls. He should be proud of us. We are doing great things. Its a shame that now after all this time I am ready to severe all ties with the person he is. I can control my destiny and work hard everyday not to become who he is. I will never ever again be selfish. If the result is even a fraction of who he is then please take it all. That has got to be the biggest life tragedy losing the love and respect of your whole family. I will work hard. You will see. I will become somebody I am proud of and I will do it with the love and support of my whole family and the friends that already are.

 

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