Take my pregnancy at 35. My mind was telling me that this was a blessing. A blessing that didn’t make sense for my current life situation. I was sleeping on a mattress on the floor with my delusional ex. He liked to pretend that he was sober. I liked to turn my head the other way. It was alot easier to live in a depressed sense of reality then to try and make a life for myself. Nobody can make a life for you. The only one who can shake you into an alert state is yourself. At times we are so overcome with this blind stupor that even that task is impossible. Our social network is usually filled with like minded individuals so the reality of being somebody was fastly slipping away. I also wasn’t sure who the father was. I mean I was pretty sure it was this guy I just met but maybe it could have been my boyfriend at the time. I was a very confused and messd up lady. In fact I just had been confronted with evidence that he was stealing from me this whole time. We had nothing. I was on unemployment and he was a wannabe drug dealer. We never had money. We basically spent it all on pay day. Then we would wander the streets selling to the homeless and hookers. Well I didn’t. I hated it. I could see that these were humans that were at our worst and needed our help and he just saw them as a means to an end. The problem was what I didn’t see then was he was just as bad as them but somehow he had convinced me to go along for the ride. Without that check there was no way we could make ends meet. It was super rough. Especially towards the end when there was no money left. There really wasn’t anything what we had from day to day was what we scraped together. In reality it was because he was using. Do you know what it took for me to snap into reality. For me to see the playback from the ATM machine at the bank. There was no denying his junked out state as he drained our account. While I slept he crept out and was draining the account and getting high. I feel so ashamed that I isolated myself but the truth is. I was just in a low part in my life I think we all have those.
What I have come to realize and what I should have slowed down long enough to realize is life unfolds just the way it is meant to. Without that experience I would have no way of being able to relate to any of you. We are all intrinsicly connected to one another and finally after 4 decades I have mange to finally be able to slow myself and appreciate what I believe life to be. But it is only because in my darkest moments when I maybe should have been listening. The signs that I was slapped in the face were right there. I just needed some time to see it all unfold. When the guy that I cheated on my ex with went to prison and his sister entered my life she was hell bound and determined to get me out of my life. Now with this unwanted pregnancy she was breathing down my neck like a firestorm. This is totally I whole different post that I may get back into if there is any interest at all. Anyways she took me to this astrologist because she needed to see if the baby was her brothers. Yes you read that right ASTROLOGIST!! She even paid so why not right. What he told me based on my time of birth, birth date etc etc was this. That the baby I was carrying was not meant to be. That the guy that I was with now wasn’t the man that I would end up with. That I would have a child in the summer of 2018 and that there would be money entering our lives at that time. He also said he saw me being most successful when I surrounded myself with fire. But he wasn’t sure. The obvious profession was fireman but he said that didn’t seem to be true. He also said that if I wore a Ruby that this would also ensure my well being.
The pregnancy ended up never amounting to anything. The ex after he got out of prison was a complete loser. I know be surprised by that fact lol We had our son in the Fall of 2018 and had the extreme good fortune of having our inlaws provide a house and car for us. Don’t be fooled it is more about the grandson then anything. The deal was I had to stay at home and raise our boy. NO brainer there. So many windfall check. I dyed my hair red and use the name Ruby in m Pin-up life there and have had some extreme good fortune. I thought dying my hair red was the fire but then there it was. SLAP DAB in the middle of the face!!! Miss Firecacker 2018 in Yuba Wisconsin. I kid you not I needed to be at this pageant with every fibre of my being. There was a firehall and Firecracker. This was a sign. It felt like a sign. It took all my loves and put them together in one lil place. If you know anything about me my heart and soul burns hot for those 9/11 victims. I have a portrait of the Trade Towers hanging over my fireplace. The course of my life forever altered as not only my Degree in Finance was about to be forever laid to rest but the way I would forever see humanity was severely distorted. I felt this pull so strong that I knew that know matter how scared I felt about taking this journey I owed it to my being to see who and what was out there. Just thinking of that day makes my heart swell with this warmest feeling ever. It is like hot cocoa on the prettiest day cozied up by the fire. Remember when I told you before that I was on a quest to find a connection with somebody, anybody that would make my heart sing. Well I found almost everybody in this community to just speak to me in some way. This was a true win for my spirit and it has helped propel forward in ways that I had no idea possible.
And now I have no idea what is next. I can’t decipher what the astrologist said but I know just from the past that the signs unfold in front of us. You have to be willing to challenge yourself in a new direction and not for selfish reasons but to be a part of something bigger. To let your guard down and do something for soembody else. To unite a sisterhood that knows no borders. That maybe I can connect with somebody and stimulate there soul. You know repay the favour. It is so crazy to think that your whole life can change in the blink of an eye. Once you get a grasp of it you could either be selfish and never share it. The problem with not sharing is in time it will always go. It is unnatural to live in this crazy upbeat state. We are all still human and we all need to rest, recharge and unplug. It is unnatural to say hi without a crash. If you share your happiness with others it becomes contagious. What that means that if you do things for the only reason of making somebody else happy then you infect them with your positivity and kindness. That will come in handy when you are having a low day don’t you think. Kind of a pay it forward with kindness to help the world go round kind of thing.