You can never predicate your feelings or emotions on any given day. It’s like saying that everybody is going to like you. The reality of both is slim to non existent. We can’t always be on. In fact it goes against everything we are to believe that. We have to experience failure and pain in order to bask in the glory of a life well lived. As hard as it is that is all we got. The bittersweet desire to maybe one day be something were not. But in fact by becoming something we are not maybe it helps us to finally become who we are. When we consistently do what we have always done there would be no way to ever improve. No way to know exactly if what we are destined to do is in fact what we are doing.
The emotional roller coaster that I sometimes find myself grabs a hold of me. The more I resist the tighter the hold. The tighter the hold the more the noose tightens as I begin to think of the only way to find relief. It’s not like it is even a possibility. Desperate times just feel desperate. I feel sad as an emotional wave rolls me over and brings me out to sea. The water rushes in my nose and mouth and threatens to bring me down into a watery grave. If only I could sinm into oblivion and forget the torturous waves threatening to take me under. I am not a confrontational by any means. In fact in times of stress I crumble like a super dry oatmeal cookie. It is a tough life to think of your life like this. These are the times I just long for a friend…my best friend. I wish I knew why she gave up on me too.
I wish I knew what I did to lose her. I know I moved but I came back…lots. I always planned my trips to see her. For the longest time she was my heart. She knew all my secrets and I trusted her with every fiber of my being then one day nothing. I would send messages and tag her in best friend posts. One of the worst feelings in the World is when the realization sinks in that you are no longer a priority to her at all. I would love to think that maybe sometimes she thinks of me as much as I think of her. I know the true reality. I am not even a passing thought. I didn’t even get to say goodbye. Making friends is hard but keeping them is harder. You know for me I would never forget somebody I love. Not that easy and not for nothing.
The heart wants what it wants. The heart doesn’t know how toxic it can be keeping you in that state. Not having bit wanting drives you crazy. It makes you react to things that normally you wouldn’t. We want to survive. We want to live these long lives but not for quality for endurance. That’s all that matters. These long painless drawn out lives where our tanks run feverishly on empty. I wonder how many of us live in this state of confusion. Is learning to exist numb the only way to survive? Wouldn’t it be magical to be able to love and live freely without the fear of it being taken away? Is that even possible?
Our hearts want to ease our pain by protecting us. The protection that evolves not only makes us immune to the negative energy that wants to win us over. It also prevents the good from coming in. It is a catch 22. We want to stop the insanity of repeating itself over and over again but in doing so we just feed the fuel. How do we know who and what is right for us? How do we know if what we are engaging in now will in fact help us in the future. In order to try and decipher through all the white noise we have to still our minds and thoughts. We can’t do that if we are constantly attacking ourselves. Life is hard. Everything about it brings us to our knees. We are the reflection of everything that is wrong with the world. Knee deep in mud forced to stare at all those negative attacks head on.
What I hate the most is picking up the energy of others. There is no feeling more overwhelming then those emotions you can’t control and don’t come from you. How can you understand your own anxiety when you are dealing with somebody else’s. How is it possible to even begin to see the silver lining through all the tears. Sometimes I like to cry to wash away the bad feelings from previous days. On the worst days it feels almost impossible to even breathe. On the best days you feel on top of the World. Why so many dips and rises. Where is the celebration of a life well lived and who determines what that even means. Or what that even looks like?
I hate the idea that we have to fully break apart before we can be put together. You can try to fix the cracks but sometimes it’s just best to throw it all away and start again. I wonder what my fresh start would look like. Who would I be? Would I finally feel free if I stripped myself down to my foundation and rebuilt. Do I have the energy to do what is required or is it best to let sleeping dogs lie and accept things for what they are. Is accepting things the way they are setting yourself up for failure or are you relinquishing your being to finally be free. It is hard to say. Everything is hard to say. All we can do is move forward and hope. Hope that maybe we can live better lived. Protect each other. Love each other.
To live and love in a thankless generation is something we all have to get accustomed too. It’s not that we want to be isolated that’s just what being dictated does to you. To gather the strength to have an opinion anything other than your own feels daunting. It is daunting. You just never know how people are going to react or even interpret what it is you are feeling. The challenge is to not let the reactions or interpretations cloud your own judgement. It is hard. In a world full of billions you can still feel alone. Those lone moments should help empower not hinder your advancement to a life filled with positivity and advancement. Maybe I had it all wrong. Maybe I should be kinder to myself and become my own best friend. Is it possible to steal away quiet moments to myself to help further my growth. Can I calm the anxious feelings of anticipation and dread just by listening to what it is I need and not concern myself with the needs of other. Anything is possible with the right attitude and mind. In fact I should have been my own best friend all along.