Here I sit shaking my head wondering what the heck went wrong with that whole weekend. I mean I know that I am practicing a whole knew way of coming to be. My world has been changing at these dramatic speeds that yes of course sometimes the breaks just appear out of nowhere. So just by the murphy’s law alone I was probably due to have an uncomfortable experience at one of these pageants. Not everybody in this world is designed to click. There is nothing wrong with that. It makes us human. Yes in hindsight we all say we wished did something differently but in this case I don’t think I would. What I would have hoped to happen is that once the item was found that I had a chance to retract the statement and say that it was found. I didn’t even get the opportunity to say that. I had to immediately jump in and say what happened. But to deaf ears. So that experience is a wash for me. Just that community is not my style. Its not to say anything bad it’s just not for me.
Looking at how I define myself and who I inspire to be I think I reflected that as best as I could given the circumstances. During the process I noticed my ego creeping in demanding to be heard and acknowledged. I had to remind myself of the image I wanted to keep as that was important to me. You want enough of a backbone to show the world you aren’t a push over but you also want to be kind and sweet of heart. I also have to remind myself that we don’t all live in the same image. We can’t all be vanilla because what fun would that be. Hopefully I can get along with most flavours but if not there’s always another banana boat waiting to slide by. When everything was deep in the moment it was very dark and suffocating down there. I didn’t always have WiFi usually only at night when I was in the hotel. I usually logged into a complete sh*t storm that could have all been avoided. There is really no sense in crying over spilled milk. We all tried. We all know oil and vinegar now move on move along never to breathe the others name again.
In the moment I felt incredibly sad and selfish that I embraced this opportunity with open arms at the expense of spending quality time with my family. My husband works alot so he got the weekend off to care for our son but I still don’t get to see him at all. I think that’s really was hitting me hard. I was hoping to have these soul connections. The ones that make life worth living. I had so man of these on the West Coast and in Yuba it had to be everywhere. Like a junkie wanting more I want to one of the last pageants of the year that I could find and just wanted to end off the year with a bang. Well that happened alright lol. In the end it all worked its way out. Me and the girl who became virtual outcasts have now been forever bonded. That is a win in my books. That’s all you need you know somebody who makes you not feel alone in the World We bonded over a negative experience but it just proved our character to each other. Meeting her alone made the trip.
My husband encouraged me to do something. Go shopping, see the falls, do something! You know I didn’t want to miss the oppportunity and I had the time. I couldn’t just sit in the hotel and cry over what happened. I found myself doing the 3 hour drive to see one of the 7 natural wonders of the World. After I found a hotel I walked the down the hill to see what I had only seen in movies. I wanted to try and get there before it got dark. Even in the dark though it was magical. The lights lit up as the water fell straight down to the bottom. Only in a small vicinity below the falls did the water pool. The mist rose from the water like this powerful force returning back up to the sky. The water never ended. Nor did the force of the water ever waiver. It was determined and forceful and unwaivering in every moment. Being in it’s presence really opened my eyes and ears to the exact determination needed to actually succeed in any journey. I know that to. No place worth going was ever easy. If it was than everybody would be doing it. I was tested and pretty much failed. But that’s ok because I feel like I know more about myself than ever. I can see who my true friends are now and that in itself is worth the hardest lesson. Since the beginning of this journey I said all I needed was one and so far on every journey I have been successful at that. Some ever more so. That tells me though with the right open heart and mind we can achieve everything. We most certainly can’t please them all but maybe just one.
Even in the way I interacted with everybody I met, I was engaging in these genuine conversations because eh who says you have to be defined a certain way in order for us to strike up a friendship. Actually I do have a definition or requirement in order for me to want to talk to you. You just have to be a person. After that we can see where the path leads. You can’t say good person because who defines who is good. And wouldn’t a bad person who is tired of being bad be worthy of somebody good? Every single one of us has a storey that has a yearning to be heard. I have ears. I am always willing to listen and provide answers where required. You can only get the experience that you are willing to put in. Yes when the car rental was declined and I was stranded I got a little bit flustered. New city with like 2.5 million people in it. It was dark. I had nowhere to go. Thinking of sleeping at the airport you know Tom Hanking it but then what. Do another pageant with no sleep? Things work out as they may. I had that running in the back of my mind but it was hard to focus when my son was sick at home and my whole purpose of being there was not even going to happen.
There is always a lesson to be learned even from the bad experience ones. I do love a good pageant though. I don’t know why but it has sunk hard into my being. I am still nervous as all hell when getting up on that stage. I know I am so ackward and goofy and have been compared to Lucille Ball a multiple of times. I think it becomes down to my personality. But I don’t try to be quirky it just happens. Maybe that is why every contest is meant to be adventure. I really do have to learn to laugh it off. It is bound to happen it always happens but I sure do hope one of these times its something pretty awesome lol I still do feel like I have a better understanding every day of who I want to be. She is quickly becoming the reflection of the woman I always wanted to see. She is that girl that only a few people ever believed she could be. I guess that is what makes it scarey. I wonder if it could be taken away. But you can’t wonder about that because if you do then you will it to be even more so the only thing you can do is breathe and just let it be. The direction that I wanted to see my life go is even more urgent right now. There is a serious disconnect between women these days. Why is there so much hate for one another. We are all running this same race against time trying to get things done. Don’t you think we could get alot more done together than tearing each other down. Constantly we bash and rip each other apart. Makes me want to dig in even more and say uh what are you talking about. When I think about everything I have accomplished over these past two years and the people I have met. I can’t give up. Giving up makes my old self win. The one that just cared more about herself than others. I have to stick up for the underdog. I need to be that one that makes the excluded feel included. The fact that others have the audacity to shun each others so they are forced to walk alone I say…SHAME ON YOU!!! You will never be able to shame me from this day forward. I am a lady standing proud defending my sister’s and their good names. I will help the homeless, the forgotten, the obsolete. As long as you are breathing you have a place in my heart all of you. Your storey is meant to be shared and nobody is meant to be alone. I want to love the World for the humans we can be instead of the humans that we are.