When does it happen? You know that time in your life when you look at the World with rose colored glasses. The Wolrd and all it’s magic lives on through our hearts until somebody, somehow takes I away. We all have these crazy ideas when we are younger and we believe that anything is possible. At least that is what it was like for me. You could make friends with almost anybody because when you are younger it isn’t about what you have, what car your parents drive, how big is your house and what area do you live in. The major thing we wondered is can you laugh and have fun and bonus points if you had an imagination. We grew up with one T.V. channel. No cell phones, we had one dial up computer and we were always begging my dad for the newest game console the nintendo. I remember when we rented the console at the Video Rental store as a weekend treat when our cousins stayed over. There was always a time though when the T.V. would get turned off and we would get pushed outside to get some fresh air and sunshine. Do kids still do that?
When do children start getting ridiculed and teased for who they are destined to become. When does the shame sink in and we decide to forgo our Barbie Dolls and My Little Pony’s for make-up and revealing clothes. My sparkle dulled when Grunge music became popular. There was nothing more than baggy jeans, plaid shirts and hair that looked like it hadn’t been washed for days. We weren’t concerned so much with tight pants, midriffs and short skirts. We were the opposite of what you see now but again something still took a hold of us and wouldn’t let go. I like to think that it probably the age old coming of age. Nothing else seems to take a hold like those hormones did when I suddenly was going through this change. Some of your friends had it some of them didn’t. What seemed though to drive a few of us apart was that literal defintion of becoming a woman. Now with that change in order to set yourself apart you had to go further. Somehow it was believed and actually told that in order to fully be a woman and to stand out from a crowd you had to start “putting out”. Being the nieve farm girl I thought it just meant anything that led to a boy getting underneath your clothes. The oddity of the coming of age is we are all quick to make that change without fully considering what we were giving up.
Our time as a child where we believe in magic and dreams coming true is such a small part of our lives. Before we fully get to embrace that time in our life we are thrust forward into these new chapters that we aren’t even fully prepared for. Take me for example. I had no real idea what sex was. Not at all. Nobody sat down with me to explain the serious consequences of giving yourself to a boy that you will never have contact with after high school. It doesn’t even seem to matter if you remember anything about it as long as it happened. We don’t rejoice in the simplicity of adolesecense as we forge forward into these adult style relationships. These entanglements should be left for the adults as even in their experience it is rare to find a partner who can disengage long after the relationship has gone south. We decide from others experience that sex should be minimalized as a means to maybe finally get that person to like you. What ever happened to liking yourself first. And no I am not talking about masterbation but maybe I should. It is impossible to believe that we have these soul altering moments with all the people we engage in physically. We truly aren’t designed to think like that. Our thinking is so far behind where we should hav evolved to. It is not wonder why our sparkle has been dulled after years of oppression.
We still define ourselves by our partners and our life situation. It is almost like we can’t afford to make it on our own both in the financial and the enlightened state. We give of ourselves to freely to people that can’t return the light and love of the moment. They take when they can’t give leaving you depleted and feeling worthless. Like your life is destined for failure even you know the opposite to be true. It is hard to keep living in a light that others have no problem taking from. Still to this day I have ex’s still turning up wanting more of the love that I gave them. It wasn’t so much that I had loved them. I tolerated their existence in my life out of fear of being alone. I devalued myself so much that I gave the appearnce of contenment even though I knew that the company I was keeping wasn’t right for me. I would listen to them call me names and insult everything about me yet I would cry in desperation if they decided to leave. For some odd reason I wanted them around. I was embarassed of myself in every sense of the word and had long convinced myself that as long as I had somebody to add to the defintion of me it was far better than being alone. Maybe my sparkle began to dull because I allowed it to be. I gave up those things that truly made me happy and allowed my heart to sing out of fear of walking this life alone. I think maybe. But who really truly knows.
The reality of it all is we are destined to live these lives that mirror those that have once loved us. It is almost like they guide us in a direction that will lead us down a path where we never fail. Maybe it is because we don’t define failure by the confines of others. In reality our failure because our opportunities. An opportunity to work on what truly is important to us. An opportunity to ebb and swell like the tides that hit our shores. Sometimes momentously. Other times it happens and the rest of the World never notices. Maybe the ripple effect begins from within. It is that center point of gravity that keeps us moving and excelling in ways we never thought possible. Maybe in some senses losing ourselves completely allows us the opportunity to actually become our own true destiny. For as long as I can remember I knew I was never born to fit in. Like a rolling tide I never stayed in one spot too long. It made it hard to establish any kind of relationships that would withstand the sands of time. Maybe up until that time my heart and soul was never ready. It needed time to tarnish time to fade. All those imperfections were necessary in order to be able to fully realize the compassion that exists inside me. I had to risk all that I was in order to fully come into me. There was a time when I truly didn’t sparkle at all. Sometimes in the right light there would be a hint of what was to come. It never truly was until I found myself amongst those souls. Those souls who awoken something deep down inside of me. Telling me it was ok to come out after all this time. That everything that I had went through to this moment would serve as a lighthouse, as a beacon for all those others who maybe lost just like me. The one thing that I wish I knew as it was all happening was it was always ok to let the light shine in. Not everybody is out there trying to dull your shine. In fact when you find yourself amongst the right kind of tribe you will see that amongst you that there is always this glimmer. A promise of a life that believes in you and the love that you have found along the way. Never be afraid to sparkle you owe it to yourself to at least try.