Like I Have Never Loved Before

We are all guilty of falling for those grande romantic gestures whose sole purpose was to just sweep us off our feet. That type of behaviour that we love and hope for throughout the duration of our relationship fades. It fades sometimes into these arguments where noboy wins and both end up sleeping alone. There is no way of knowing he damage that is to be done as those around you get infected. What that means is that if you are unappy in your current situation then it can almost go without saying that everybody around you is also unhappy. It his had to develop those feeling of unrequitted love when we aer still carrying the baggage from those before. The scars although superficial resonate deep inside us and have this uncanny ability to control the direction of our feelings that have no purpose or being existing in this reality.

There was a time when I loved my scars. I used it as the reason to be miserable. My life and it’s misery could all be boiled down to the last failed relationship. I forget to consider that those failed ideologies helped form the reality that I am in now. Scars don’t have to make up your existence now. Yes for some we spent alot of time acquiring them throughout the years. It is proof to us that we did all that we could. That we hung in longer when others couldn’t. That although things ended badly our intentions were noble where others have failed.  Maybe it is time to be humble enough to admit that those others before my husband maybe not have been the right fit for me. Like trying to push a square peg through a circle hole it was never going to work out for me. Maybe that was the problem. I had a half filled mold that I was trying to fill in order to achieve what I believed to be happiness. I always wanted a family but I wanted my perfect family. You know the man who loves you for all your imperfections yet still dosn’t budge. We all need somebody like that in our lives. I am incredibly lucky to have the fotune that I have had. That is why I want to share as much as I can with the World.

Life was never designed to be easy for any of us. We experience these intense heartbreaks that we feel like we can never recover from. Like it cripples us beyond any rationalizing. We do things and engage in behaviour that we never would just to get a reaction. I can fully admit to dressing to the 9’s to show up at a bar my ex was at. I should have ran for the hills because a good quality connection doesn’t need all those frills. I know it’s irritating but I think I am starting to realize my husband may just love me the same all done up as he does with all my make up on. In fact even hours after carefully getting ready he barely bats an eye. I used to get upset with his reaction. Comparing him to the ex’s that I had before and their reaction. I fail to recognize that his reaction could never be the same nor would I want it to be. He is incredibly different in all his mannerisms and how he treats me. It is like nobody before him has truly loved me for me. That is the true reality of the nature of our relationship as we are right now. It is still the same scenario. We have yet to be intimate since conceiving our son and before we got married. We just celebrated 4 years of dating. It is so strange to think. Before if I wasn’t intimate with my partner that would have been a definite sign that he is cheating. Oddly for us both we know that we would never do that. It is almost like we are free to embrace who we are truly destined to be without the worry of our partners abandoning us.

I remember finding out we were pregnant. It was maybe 4 months into us dating with the only fight we have add has the catalyst. Almost immediately apon landing from NYC I found out we were going to be parents. There was something that told me that at my age (37) there was no going back. If this man was good enough to be the father of your child then he was also good enough to be your husband. I know not the best rationale for getting married but eh so far we have lasted 3 years. Our son came into our lives quickly and fiercely and with no looking back. It feels like just yesterday we were ICU fighting for our lives but here we are 2 years later. Happy, healthy and both working towards promising lives. My husband’s patience told me to maybe search deeper for the answers within myself. Maybe my inability to connect with him on a deeper level came from something inside. This man here did something that no other man before him could. He stood by me in the scariest and darkest times and protected me like no other. He truly saw something inside of me that hasn’t been out since I was a kid. Maybe the love we shared was never meant to feel like the others. The bond and connection we have together is something unique and something so promising that an inward reflection of who I am and want to be is necessary. It is necessary not only for myself but the beautiful family I have been blessed with. Once I allowed myself to let go of the sterotypes of what loved should be I got to experience what true love really is.  It is not an infatuation or lust that can only be quenched with primal impulses and pleasures. True love is kind and patient and protective and can withstand the hands of time.

My one regret is not loving my husband through eyes of a teenager in love. I never should have made the walls so high that he could barely peer over. In this world of being defensive we are failing to see the greatness that can be inside of each of us. We aren’t our past and we aren’t defined by even our experiences. Just because something happened doesn’t indicate that it will happen again. We all have the ability to learn and adjust to be who we always wanted to be in this World. It is never to late to let your guard down and love like it is the first time. In fact it is the first time. The first time in this moment, in this mindset, in this lifetime. Every moment from here on out is an opportunity for something great and to fall in love for the first time all over again.

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