It seems I do alot of thinking lately. My mind is constantly turning my ideas are constantly burning and it just seems like it never ever wants to stop. The first insight into whether or not my mind was exhausting itself or maybe it was finally becoming awake. Maybe it wasn’t my mind at all but another entity. I was fed up with just about everything. Smoking was the next thing to do go. I would far much rather have pretty girly things then burning my money up in smoke. It was still pretty hard for me to quit. I used Champix. It was like a light bulb clicked on and I realized just how much I hated it. For so many reasons. It wasn’t glamourous like I originally thought. What was attractive about the yellowing of the fingers after an exhausting night of smoking cigarettes. I say exhausting because usually with fingers like that its one after the other which one really only does in times of great stress. Your skin looks grey like the ashes you leave behind. The smell. OH Dolls!! That smell. Especially after the rain. There is nothing less romantic then making out with an ashtray. So if I was ever going to find Mister Right I better quit that too. Can’t expect a non-smoker to be into a smoker K. Sometimes you are. Personal preference but for me it is just kind of, I am over it.
What happened next I am not sure but it is common knowledge that Champix give you nightmares. I decided I wasn’t going to take the evening dose before bed. I took it a few hours before so the surge of medication wasn’t all still in my brain. That was my rationalizing it anyways lol My dreams were amazing. I would have different dreams about family and friends that have either passed over or for just whatever reason I haven’t seen in forever. I was excited to go to sleep for the first time because I was curious to just what or who I was going to see. I also started burning these lost love angel candels. I know what you are thinking ***cukoo cukoo*** and maybe it was a little bit of that. Even reading Eckhart Tool and so many of these other philosophical books such as the one I just read about the thoughts of Marcus Aurelius there is this amazing feeling of calmness when you just begin to accept the tide as it comes in. No more stress just ease. I started to really just listen to what I needed to do to make myself happy. I was 37. Single with no prospect. Two cats. I basically lived in a bachelor pad because I converted my bedroom into a closet…priorities right. I was just tired of who I was and where I was going so I just surrendered myself to the process. I was terrified of failing but living a life unhappy is failure again too. At least when you try to live in the image that makes you happiest maybe you to can convince yourself that you deserve a life better than you have.
So there I was in the Fall of 2017. I just got let go from my second job. I was trying to decide if going to school was something I should be doing in my life at this age. There really made no real good sense why shouldn’t just follow my heart. At first I thought I wouldn’t be approved for a Student Loan. I kind of used that as the benchmark to catapult me into a new life. I was taking a huge risk but what I do now know if you don’t believe in yourself fully 110% how on Earth would anybody believe you. If I didn’t believe that I was worthy of a good life I wouldn’t hve reached for one. I became the person I always dreamed I could be. Not could be. That girl that I was before losing my small. The holes made in my heart were beginning to heal. My energy, my attraction, the way I viewed the World began to change. Before when I used to think about the future I was scared. Scared that I would never get there. Scared that I would always feel like I wasn’t going to be worthy of a decent man’s attention….you can go on forever about the things in the future. What I began to realize is that future point I was thinking of really didn’t matter. That if I didn’t get out and smell the daisies the whole World would pass me by. My fear of the future kept me from living. That fear that I had I replaced it with a peaceful tranquility of accepting this moment. To bring my attention to what is laying here in front of me. Instead of focusing on the future and how I was going to get there I just let the moment be. Your soul already knows the direction it needs to take you. You don’t have to be anywhere but right here right now.
Our thoughts have a habit of poisoning or dreams. It seems the more I let go of the chains from the past the more positive my dreams become. When you are holding onto something inside of you and your dreams are infected with nightmares maybe that is your inner you saying hold up wait. We got all this negative energy here backing up it’s time to let it go and just be. Who knows right? I just know that it is far easier living in today than any other day. I have alot of days to make up for when I would let crazy negative emotions overcome me. When I think about crying over any ex now how embarassing. C’est la vie, right? They say it is ok to let your mind think about the past but only as a tool. Like don’t use what happened to you as a crutch or tool to throw a pity party. It’s hard. When bad things happen it is natural to want to reach out. We are humans and we do exist in order to entertain others. No species was really designed to flock alone. We flock together because there is safety in numbers. Even more safety when we have similiar thoughts and beliefs.
I like to spend some time just thinking about what could possibly be. I don’t let it get too much in the way of where I am going though. My path will unfold in its natural way. Just like my heart heals everytime I reach out and try to save somebody like me. Every life is worth saving. Every life deserves a chance to live in the present moment. There are some that maybe aren’t very forgiving but that remains in their heart not ours. Letting go of the chains that have been weighing you down is an incredible feeling. It feels better than any other feeling in the World. When you finally come to a place where you have the ability and capability to help even just one more life. Furry or otherwise. Well that is my lifes duty. To meet, to love, to explore, to travel, to save…all things that do require the addition of at least one more. Life feels better when it is shared. That is my dream to live a life worth sharing. And for that I think you do need to be awake….