It is not like I intentionally ignored you all these years even though it may seem that way. Maybe because some of the time I didn’t see you there and other times I was just so embarassed that I let you down. Sometimes we let our ego and our mind get in the way of truly being able to see what is right in front of us. It is not like a forgot about you completely. You were always around for the ride even during those moments where we both are trying so hard to forget. Maybe that is the problem, the trying bit. Maybe it should just be a matter of letting it be and moving on. It’s like now that I see you there I need to bring you back into the light. Where you should have been this whole time. I didn’t honour the light you were trying to become at first. Maybe it was what made me shy away in the first place. After being disappointed once it was far easier to keep that up then to try convince the outside World to believe in me.
I used to sit there for so long and listen to those that I love talk down to me like I was never going to amount to anything. A waste of life those closest to me said. A constant disappointment. It became far easier to believe those lies then to fight against the surge of ignorance bound my way. When you stop believing in yourself and what could possibly be you find yourself in a very dangerous, toxic place. It’s like this vortex or whirlpool that once you realize you are thrust in the middle and there is no possibility of escape. Your own thoughts become poison as you lose your confidence that once was. Luckily for you though there is somebody at the top holding out their hand waiting for you to edge closer so you can grip on and never let go. Those type of friends are like diamonds. The ones who realize that the toxic energy that has imprisoned you is in fact just a sickness taking over you. That it isn’t really you. The fight for you because they know the truth. They have seen the carefree you. The innocent you. The one that existed before the outside world tarnished you and stole your smile. Where you once thought your innocence was robbed and never to be returned they make you believe that you are still whole and worthy to become that being you were destined to be.
So to that girl who fell victim to bullying and stopped believing in herself for awhile…I am here. To that little girl who courageously looked fear in the face and refused to step down…I am here. To that lil girl who was told that by dressing feminine you open yourself to being victimized…I am also here. This little girl was me. She still is me. I am just getting to know her all over again and honour who she never got the chance to be. I got so caught up in living in somebody’s else’s shadows and somebody else’s dreams that it is no wonder that for the past two decades I became angry and confused. The constant uphill push to a destination I never wanted to be. The humbling realization that I could do exactly what was dictated to me to live a proper life and it still wouldn’t project happiness. Not for me or the tyrant telling me who I should be. Even now trying to break through the shadows is an incredulous task at time. The daunting path ahead of me seems less exhausting as I dissect it piece by piece and in the time laid out in front of me.
What I have come to realize is just what every girl usually dreams about when they are little. We dream about the house, the husband, the kids, the pets and hopefully all the extracurricular activities that come when you have a family. To that little girl who dreamed of all those things it is time to open your eyes. It is ok to be appreciative of all the richess that are laid out in front of you. Those richess come not from material possessions like the World wants you to believe. I am greatful for those things that nobody can take away from me. Such as my husband and son and my family and friends. I also have the most amazing furbabies ever that make up for any and all lost time from when I was a girl. It sucks to think that I was forced to grow up so fast. It seems like almost every adoloscent girl is these days. So quick to grow up and do all those things that we think are fun to do as adults. At the time I must admit I was too. It was far easier to drink or smoke weed to forget about all the problems that come with growing up. Come to think of it that lil girl I surpressed for so long had it far easier than the young ladies we have growing up today. Maybe that is why it has become so important to me. To be an advocate for mental health and awareness. I hate the thought of anybody having to go through even a a fraction of what I did. It seems now though that what I experienced is just a blip in their life storey.
Growing up is tough and it must be so hard to find your own identity. We all need a reminder every once in awhile. A reminder that we are all in this journey together. That a celebration of love is far better and way more enjoyable then anything driven by fear. I want to help create a place where it is safe to be wh oever it is you want to be. That there is safety in like minded minds all working together. That we provide a safe place for young minds to grow and develop into thy own image instead of one that we have already predetermined them to be. Maybe if my son sees me playing music, reading, volunteering, being an active community memeber that he will want to grow up being a part of all these things too. Actually that is part of everything that holds any sort of magic. In the same moment my son was born as I was reborn. Together we will always share that cosmic moment of time. When he took his first breath the little girl inside of me came awake. Together as they grow into who they are meant to be. I find myself embracing life in a way that I have never experienced before. Kind of an apologetic awakening making up for lost time. So to the little girl I pushed away and forgot about all these years. I am sorry. Together there is still time to make every day count and reach out to those who need us. Life is far better shared and making memories then being to scared of taking chances and learning to fly.