To Fan the Flame

Since the moment we are conceived our life storey begins to unfold. For no other reason than this is life no storey has ever been the same. There are these glorious moments where are lives begin to intersect and intertwine but without a good foundation of self how is one to prolong the serenity that comes with achieving inner peace. I think since te dawn of time we as humans have struggled. It is hard to have a sound realization of self because we have no idea exactly wat self means. Since the before we can even walk our personalities begin to form. Our personality becomes a reflection of our environment and we become those we are closest to. Immitation is the most sincerist form of flattery so we have a deeper moral obligation to become that in which we hope that younger generations will become.

Sometimes the hardest step to take is the one that takes you away from social norms. I really write my blog in order to relate to somebody, anybody out in the World. I know no two lives are the same but two lives can be alike. We all struggle to some degree or another. What is a struggle for some might seem easy to others. Wouldn’t the World be a much easier place if we had a safe place where we can just be and exist.  To have a place free of judgement as the understanding is a deeper appreciation of oneself that comes from a place of love and not ego and hate. Sometimes we let the white noise seep into any crevice that it can find. Curiosity is what keeps us frozen in time. Grieving for the losses of what was and sinking into a deeper reality of what is. Maybe it is that deep realization that our lives have to have a purpose. If somebody is hesitant to see your value then it is time to move on. If somebody is so blatantly ignorant to their own faults by casting stones in your direction…cut them off. Just because you are family and just because it is the holidays it doesn’t mean you deserve to be bullied. It is ok to stand apart from the family you came from in order to protect the family you created. The greatest tragedy isn’t from you having strength it is from their deep inner insecurities and guilt that is really the driving point to all that they do.

My storey wasn’t to include this passage of time. The only reason why I have decided to even write about it as it pertains to m own personal healing. I think maybe a week ago my husband checked the mail. In the mail was two unaddressed envelopes addressed to our house. No addressee just the stamp post of Creston. It was clear that these two letters were born of malicious intent. My husband was insistent that the greenish gold envelope had to be a card for Slade.  Wouldn’t that make the most sense? Our son just celebrated 2 years when there was a chance he wasn’t even going to take his first breath. Surely his grandparents wanted to acknowledge that day right? Opening the first envolope which was  6 to 7 pages of a typed lettered it was very clear that this letter was of very malicious intent.  I scanned to the end of the letter to see how it was signed. The smaller two paragraph letter was also unsigned. All you could see was the thick level of lies and hate being spewed from these letters.  In fact one paragraph caught my attention where it was a direct attack on me.  To drag up the past that has no business being here. The only business was to try and create a problem in my marriage.  Seeing the letters for what they were worth I sealed them up as who has the time to divulge in such trash. I am not a soap opera star. My life is just that my life that I share with my family and the people I love. I share my journey because out of 6 billion people there has to be somebody who can relate and there has to be somebody that needs to not feel alone.

I kept the letters because I think it is our curious nature. I just didn’t want to read them at that time. Yesterday I went for my fourth Neuro Electric Therapy. When I told my counsellor about the letters he decided that this was the issue that I needed to address.  What he said to me that it didn’t matter what the content was in those letters. The best thing to do would be to come h ome and burn them. Release their negative thoughts and let the Universe hold them accountable. After a very successful session I felt very light and happy.  Considering when he asked me why I would feel grief when I thought about my Dad my eyes immediately filled with tears. It was hard for me to think of my Dad and not cry. I missed him terribly. I thought as we aged our bond would deepen and grow. I imagined going to Football games and family vacations and playing catch with me and my son. I had to give up on the idea that my Dad actually wanted to be apart of my life. All the Christmas’s that I spent as a child where our whole family was together felt more like a piece of somebody else’s life. The sounds of nuts cracking or even our constant sibling rivalry Christmas banter was really truly a dream. I somehow believed that there was no other love out there than a Grandparents. I mean my Grandparents were the best. I can still smell my Grandfather and hear the click of my Granmother’s teeth. There is no doubt in mind how much they loved us all.  But now it was time. It was time to stop allowing the to bully me. Who else would write a letter of malicious intent to a stranger. That is what I am to both of them…a stranger. You can get all the information you want on somebody’s social media. That doesn’t make it anymore accurate then your misguided idea that family can be disposable when they no longer serve a purpose to you.

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As I got home from my appointment I waited for my Husband to go to work. After my son had fallen asleep I took the letter (maybe I should call it a book) and set it on fire. It was so thick that I had to take it outside to the BBQ. Yes by nature I have always been curious.  Not this time. I don’t stand for bullying no matter who it comes from. Just because at one time you were my Father and you gave me life you can’t take it away by being mean.  There is no victims here just collateral damage. I refuse to play into any such games that try and minimize anybody’s self worth for their own selfish games.  If you can’t lead by example and find strength and courage to change World and it’s misguided preconceived notions then we are doomed to keep living the same mistakes. I am not insane and that is why I have refused to fall into this trap again. The true definition of insanity is reliving the same mistakes again. This mistake is one that is now out of my hand. I have stopped my bully’s in their tracks before they try and minimize my self worth. Nobody can devalue your currency if you stand proud and tall. Know your self worth. Know the impact you can have on the World. In the face of negativity turn away. There is only strength when you allow there to be. You can’t fan a flame with no wind and eventually that flame will die if it is not fed.  Let fear and negativity fall at your feet as you find the courage to walk in thy own image sheltering others in your wake.

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