So like most of us I like to see what is in my last year on this day memories feed on Facebook. That is how I happened apon this list https://www.businessinsider.com/30-books-to-read-before-turning-30-2015-3. I love to read. A newly found passion of mine that I dusted off and resurrected last year around this time.  So when this list came out I decided to give it a go. Not sure what to read next.  My main source of literature is based on biographies or non fiction. I want to expand my mind with facts and life and all that jazz. I had my days with romance and crime. Now I wanted to see how those who lived before me thought and behaved. It was shocking apon reading the first recommeneded book “Meditations,” by Marcus Aurelius. Ya me neither at the time. I have since uncovered the fact he was a Roman Empire and who thought much the same way as some of us do today. He talked about Greed and Power and the need for Fame. I wonder if he is somewhere thinking about just how right he was with his thinking. Our thirst for material items and unnecessary wants have taken over every fiber of our being. It is impossible at times to consider the possible outcomes of any other lives when we are stuck in this quicksand of our own. Everything that seems to be a backbone is nothing more than an unsupported beam waiting to blow over with the first sign of resistance.

The second book “The Myth of Susyphus and other essays” by Albert Camus was translated from French more than half a century ago. The back jacket says it is “one of the most influential works of this century.” I flipped through the pages like one days shaking a present on Christmas morning. Curious of the contents but not wanting to ruin the inside I try to pull my gaze away but there some words caught my attention. Mixed together in a non chalant way were the words 40 and suicide. That caught my attention. Not wanting to ruin the book by starting in the middle I refocused my attention to what the book was about. The beginning of the book is a meditation on suicide. It is compicated and obscure to read through when you begin to think in the manner as he.  Like we all hate the mention of suicide. Yet this suggests that we all think about it at some point in our lives. I know I have. For me I know mine has always been a cry for attention. Notice me! Please notice me. I don’t want to feel alone anymore. The thoughts take over like wildfire as you imagine a World outside of this. Not knowing what is on the other side is usually enough to bring the sane back into sanity. What if the lure of what is on the inside becomes to much. The pain here on Earth becomes unbearable. Why keep living a life in so much pain when it appears that nobody else gies a damn about you. Am I right? It takes a lot of courage to go in a direction that you know with every fiber in your being that nobody has ever come back from. Look at Hudini he frequently was heard saying that if there was a way back from the other side he would find a way. I never heard a tale of him coming back have you?

So the question begins and the seed is planted…living in a Universe devoid of orderor meaning. What is the meaning of it all anyways? We all work so hard to try and live these lives that will make us think about and dream out our Golden Years. Isn’t that the point to reflect back on a life well lived filled with great friends and memories.  Imagine in the 1920’s when he began his quest for trying to define life. There is no way to define life to anybody else but yourself. The whole book isn’t as depressing as whether or not you should decided to live or not. Alberta talks about a way out of being depressed while affirming your own existence. The type of life that you can hold your head up when you remember or hear tales about yourself. So there is the silver lining to a book that starts out having you ask yourself what is the meaning to life? What is the meaning to my life? For some odd reason there is still a stigma when you think about somebody being mentally depressed or worse yet suicidal. Most people don’t want to deal with hearing another person’s tales of woe because they are so caught up on their own. Life really doesn’t have any meaning when it is filled with these lives of work and trying to keep up with the Joneses.

Life began when I stopped competing for attention of the people I thought cared about me. The weight lifted off of me when I let the natural course of life envelop me and take me where it may.  Imagine without even knowing how a book about suicide happned into my hands. A book that addressed both the negative, the positive and all tings in between. I have this natural desire, will and ability to try and reach those that feel they have nobody. Nobody should feel like that.  We are all created equally after all pummeling to the same place. Every life every being is worth something to somebody at the very least at least to me. Those poor lil Koala’s, the last living Female Black Rhino, any child, human, male or female who feel they are pushed into oblivion. That is what we have done. We have allowed ourselves to put a value on any other living thing and for that we wil have to pay the ultimate price. What we said was our quest for knowledge was actually or insatiable thirst for power and control.  Look at what we do to our own race. Over 36% of the World lives in extreme poverty. Do you know what that means. It means that the person lives off of $1.96 a day. That isn’t even the cost of some people’s coffee. Tell me again how we are this great species living in a World where everybody has a fighting chance. It’s ok I already know that I can’t.

Suicide only truly hurts the living. At least for the one who saw it as their only way out. The suffering that they leave behind is now a noose around someboy’s else’s neck. Maybe it isn’t courageous to take that root. When you consider living in a World that can’t be satisfied no matter how selfless and hard you personally try. I am going to keep searching for a way to heal what I can. Maybe the more I search for my own answers the more that will get revealed to me.  For now I have a purpose. I enjoy though having my mind exposed to the thoughts of Albert Camus. Maybe it will come up one day. Maybe even sooner then we all think. I am thinking of a year campaign ahead where Sweet Ruby Bluez dedicates a year to combat depression. I already travel and I already explore so why not look for those in the most need. All it takes is one to make the heart feel less alone. I am here to talk about the Elephant in the room. The one that has had taboo written all over it since it has been granted it’s own life in literature and prose. Suicide should never be an option. Love and kindness should be. When it feels like there is nobody there is always me. Together we don’t have to feel so alone.