There are days when I am not sure what to believe anymore. What I am most thankful for is the serenity in knowing that I don’t really have to believe in much as long as I let go of the process. I guess that doesn’t make alot sense but it is harder to put into words. I keep trying. That is why I write everyday. Try to at least. I am a little bit late with today’s post because well I don’t even believe it myself but it is definetly a fact. I am a finalist for the Face of Miss Daisy 2020 Canada/US (there’s the Face of Australia and the Face of London/UK). They picked four finalists out of hundreds of applicants and I was one!! EEEKKK right I know! My Skype interview was this afternoon. So I had the perfect set in last night and my Herbivore exfoliant with rose quartz came in the mail so I had to use that before doing my hair and make-up. Of course Schmoo has kaboshed all nap. BUTTTT!!! He was in bed by 10pm so that allowed for my to practice violin. Push out the bad energy and bring in the good so I can write something insightful or maybe even inspiring.
My husband is on nights so I let him sleep in for as long as he needs. Poor guy works too hard so he definetly needs rest before another torterous night away from the family. Usually my soon naps around 2 and it looked like he was going to go down so I could get ready. I was ready for it though. When it happened he was like a bat out of hell terrorizing the place. I mean it was complete and utter chaos. Bruiser started howling, Latte was barking, my son was now into my make up and it was like everything I needed had magically disappeared. I kinda laughed as the minutes ticked down and just decided to let it play out the way it was going to. Look for what I needed. Put on what I found. Laugh at my hair as it just had this possessed mind of its own. The old me would have been reduced into tears. The mom in me just laughed. All this chaos and all I could think was no matter what happens this is all an incredibly journey. None of this would have been possible with all of them. My furbabies, my son (who know had a black eye due to left over zombie paint residue) we were all happy and smiling and I knew that I had made it this far and thing were just going to be as they may. I almost began to feel a little cocky when with one minute to go I was going to try putting on lashes lol I did not. K I attempted one but it didn’t take so I aborted the mission.
I think back to even last year and where I was in my life. Things were starting to get better. I was no longer in shock from what happened during childbirth nor was I grieving over our sweet lil tripawded kitty Herbert. Herbert confirmed to me that a soul connection was possible with our furry lil friends. Having to take care of him in the manner I did was one of the hardest things ever. I feel sick to my stomach knowing what I know now. I was giving him IVs twice a day. It was already too late though his kidneys had failed. As fast as the water was going in he was excreting it out. I didn’t really undersand it like I do now. My husband esures me he was in pain but it was the look in his eyes every time he opened them. They were so dry he could barely open them. It’s been two years and I feel the pang in my heart. That is how you know it was true love. Some times it hurts but it mostly feels good. Just the time you shared together. I can’t think about the negatives like his time with me was too short. You have to think of the positive. Like he existed. And in the existence no matter how short I get to share in it. Because there was an energy source that attracted us together in the first place I wonder if in time maybe we can make our way back to each other.
My thinking has been alot like that lately. I have a picture of my Granparents in my kitchen and one in my spare room along with their Parents whom I have never meant. Imagine that cycle of life. As soon as the great both parents and kids start coming into the picture the cycle of life that knew each other has run it’s course. What is weird to think that there is so much unrecorded data of people who existed during any time. Since we started recording everthing that we do our next generations next generations will know exactly who we were. But there’s that whole period of time that never existed…virtually unrecorded. Would that mean just like in the cycle of generations that know each other would that also mean that there would be generations that just kind of fall off and become unknown? Another problem that I have with this whole what happens to us when we die debate is that there has to be something. I don’t even care to know what that something is but there has to be something. How can there be such a huge divide between what is good and what is evil. Our who gets to live a long, healthy life and who doesn’t. We may be all created equally but we aren’t all playing with the same deck of cards so then that makes it so the nature of the game is completely different for each and every one of us. We are at a crucial time when we really need to take a deeper stand in what we want our lives to be remembered for. And if you think your dreams are too small there’s a chance that maybe your dreams is the same as somebody else’s. Wouldn’t that risk be worth it. No chance nothing happens but a small chance could open up this whole new world that you had no idea existed.
Maybe I do not have a finite belief in the future. I am starting to realize that just being present in the moment will get me to the future. Enjoy the moment for all it brings into my day. Take care of myself and my being and my family and friends. Allow myself to try and spread the wonderous feeling that comes from experiencing something new. It’s like living in the World for the first time. Life should be fun full of people we love and who make us laugh. That is who I want to be remembered for. I want to recreate fun art like maybe an Audrey or a Marilyn and grace the like a 1950’s starlet at a pageants. I want to get to know the girls beside me because it is only in getting to know each other that we can blossom into the dames we always wanted to be. Together we become a kindred sisterhood singing each others praises and cheering from the sidelines because a true winner knows that the real win is meeting and knowing all of you. And that is something I will always believe.