The worst part is thinking that maybe that place didn’t exist anymore then this moment existing into the bigger span of time. What I remember is having to climb through this deep lush dark forest. I remember my Dad and Uncles telling us to be careful of coyotes, bears and even sometimes the odd cougar. It was all worth it though. Once you were through all that forest there was this clearing. But not any type of clearing. It was rolling and had grassy nolls and hills and it was the perfect little peace of heaven here on Earth. Every lil mound had it’s own dispaly of flowers and buterflies swirling around and you could literally see the magic bouncing off the dew. I used to climb up there into that mountain clearing just to see the sun rise. It was the perfect beginning of everyday. Knowing that when I made my way down the mountain instead of going home I could just veer right and come see you. Pulling at your apron strings I can still smell you. Like you were right here in the room with me. Your hands worn from turning butter from the milk Grandpa brought you fresh this morning. I can still see you in your paisly brown dress with those orange lil daisy and your grey loafers that you always wore. You always wore a heel even when collecting eggs or collecting all their feathers. You collected those feathers out of habit to make us all pillows and blankets to keep us warm. Now miles away from nowhere I have to ask. Did I dream it all or was there really a time in my life when you exist.

If I have to live in this new time where you don’t do I ever get to go back to knowing you? It feels like a lifetime since your passing and the one thing that will help ease this all is in knowing if I ever get to know you again.

They should realize just how lucky they are to live in a time where everything they have done has been recorded.  Even too much it seems. There will be a space in time where my existence becomes nothing to anybody that is still alive and breathing. That is to say if the World is even alive at that point at all. If our mere existence runs the risk of being stricken from ever being told. You have to know that this is a very real possibility. Right? Do you care about the people who existed 200 years ago? Actually? They waged wars and sacrificied themselves and their families for you to get a chance at life. Imagine dying a hero at 18. There is no more to try. Everything is exhausted and there is only the shell. The outline of who you once were that is soon to be ravaged by once again the hands of time.

If life is so trivial why do we put so many through so many unnecessary means.  That old saying…Who died and made you God? Well who didn’t die for you to live. Right here right now? Billions and billions of beings have died before you standing in a similiar moment. Gripped between the living and dying and from right and wrong. There choice not even a blip in the larger scale of thigns. Not recorded. Not fact. Never happened. Not at all. It is not anything other than a harsh fact. So why live it to spurn and hurt other people. Even if there is no heaven or hell and there is no wrath coming why live it like such a POS. If you don’t like it I can almost promise you nobody is stopping you. If the options are one or millions feel free take that plunge. I know though that there is something to everything after all of this. If there wasn’t this would be complete hell on Earth. And seeing how there are some moments when you can still believe there still is a chance for all of us. Being able to live with my eyes wide open has been the greatest gift you have ever bestowed apong me. Seeing you one more time and knowing that you are still in my corner was all I truly ever needed. Sitting here writing to you know I can’t help but feel completely heartbroken. In fact there are so many tears that I can hardly see. What I never got a chance to say before I was rushed back here without you is being your granddaughter was the greatest gift I ever could have received. Knowing that I get to live in your own image and live the life that you would be doing if you were here is a blessing in disguise. Its the haunting memory though of wondering if our paths will ever cross again. A part of me believes are energies are destined to cross again. You found me when I need you the most and for that I will always be thankful.

I wonder if those rolling hill are still up behind the clearing. Right before the power lines. Almost where all the mushrooms were. Hopefully they are still there the way I remember them. Like a realm of my reality that still wills it into being. Where the bluebirds and buttercups all seemed to dance together in perfect harmony. There was no outside pollution both from noise and the interference of man. It’s a place before I even knew who I was where we both came to be. I hope that there is a time when we both exist once again. There is so much I wish I knew then to what I know now. There is no way I ever could have imagined what life could have meant to me without you even in it. Your passing still moves through me like wavelenghts through an alternate dimension. I wonder if in that time you are there somewhere waiting for me. Like you have always been reaching out your hand begging for the chance to get to know me. Wishing that I would sit at least for one more cup of tea. If I could have imagined the pain that would have come over me in knowing that there is no time like the present until the present moment is gone. What loving you has taught me is that there is always pain in true love. That one has always have to suffer a great deal in the absence of the other. That there will always be sorrow in the truest of hearts. But it is only the true heart that knows the great risk that one suffers if they at least don’t take that chance.