Winter is depressing even for the strongest of hearts. Everywhere around you see visions of family and hope and promises of tidings and good will. It isn’t meant for all of us. And these days it seems to be for fewer and fewer. Trying to understand the swirl of emotions that takes you for a dance as you look for a way out. Any way out will be sufficient at this point. Maintaining your lonely status seems easier during the Spring and Fall but by the time those leaves start to fall so does any hope that tomorrow will bring a brighter day.
Last night was a very restless night. I dreamed about my Grandma like she was still alive. There is no love like a grandmother and hence why I have always tried to encourage my son to have a relationship with his. I have no idea why now she has decided to take residency in my thoughts. Maybe I do need her guidance to help get through this next chapter of my life. It’s hard though because I try to imagine her at my age. At 41 she just had twin boys to add to her 2 boys and one daughter. I wish I knew more about her. Anything about her. My longing to just be in her presence one more time has lead me down this darker road that I am not sure I am ready for. The man that holds some of the secrets has taken me out of his life. I have also returned the favour. It is hard to know right from wrong and what the long term affects of such estrangment will bring.
Life has already become strange in my eyes. I am having troubles understanding the waves that come in and why they are so relentlessly. I know that life is a beautiful gift that is meant to be shared but shared with who? The people that I long to share with have long passed. All the questions that I had about their existence can never be answered. A part of me wants to sign up for ancestry.com but I am nervous. Russians have been very hesitant in keeping records so I fear that I will hit a wall quickly. I long for the answers because maybe it will help me come into my own. I feel lost as the season pushes forward and the cold winter takes over. How can one be haunted by so many beautiful memories. Maybe because there is always the possibility that none of it ever happened int he first place. In my mind I can see her her mid height tree with the fancy lighted candle star thingy on the top. Her tree was always so beautiful. Silver tinsel was always my favourite. Family gatherings were my favourite. If there was ever any certainty was that for every holiday we would all be together. I wonder if th ings would have turned out differently if I came home after I left for college. I should have set the example of no matter where you were when it came to holidays you should always come home. My mistake. That one decision put a crack in our families foundation that was never ever going to be repaired.
So many people think that by sharing your storey that all you are doing is airing your dirty laundry. Is that what stating fact is in order to try and help another not experience the same fate. I am telling you there is nothing on Earth that should ever come between your family. The only peace I have in this seperation is that maybe in the end we finally get to return. Return to the home where it all started which means the pieces of me that are outside living will one day get returned to the energy source that gave me life. That means I will find serenity and safety once again in the womb of my mom and her in the womb of hers and so on and so forth. None of us will truly ever now what happens when we stop living by time and return to our natural state. If the Earth is 4.5 billion years give or take a couple million does it even make sense that we only truly exist for such a minute fraction of it that the reality is our existence truly does not even matter. It should matter though to us and the people that are surrounded in it. We should honour and value our life as a gift but not as our finite existence. In our human form we have to try and live exempliary lives to demonstrate to our friends and family that there is a reward in being kind. That the only thing we truly need to have true success is love and friendship. That by honouring ones roots you will find the greatest gift of all. It will help open your eyes to the person you were always destined to be. It will help define those ancestors after you. It will help to put it all in perspective knowing that we have all come together to experience a gift that not many are privvy too. That it makes more sense to focus on the quality of life lived and not the quanitity. By alienating or forbiding anybody from coming in to their own should be recognized as one of the biggest sins. In a World with so many our focus should always be on ourself. Only we know what it will truly take to keep us in a happy, positive or neutral state. Yes we all want to love. This must be the true reason behind our living form. It is only in this form that we can experience true love. The key is to not let it consumme us to the point where we have no idea who we really are anymore. To keep a level head and to fall deeply in love, well I must imagine it has never been done before.
With winter all around us it is no wonder that some of us get sucked into the vortex of depression. It’s cold, it’s bleak, sometimes you are wet and soggy. Nothing good usually comes out of it unless you like winter sports. We don’t go out as much maybe because the roads are bed or maybe we are broke from Christmas. We all hibernate in the Winter. We like to overindulge in eveything including each other which can lead to fights if you are constantly at odds with somebody. Surviving the Winter will be a hard fate for some here in Alberta. Already I have heard of two souls not making it through already. Both because of the harsh reality of their own existence. Who ever decided to have a political election this close to Christmas needs to have their head examined. All these cuts when people need them the most. You go from thinking you can make it to having to have the heart breaking discussion with your kids why Santa may not be stopping by this year.
No matter the circumstances the Winter season is the worst. In the coldest nights you comfort yourself with the warmest memories that only ease the pain for a while. When you focus back into the reality you remember the life as you remembered never existed. There used to be a time when my dad was my best friend and my grandpa was my hero. If I close my eyes and remember him I can feel the itchyness of his polyester pants and his white short sleeved dress shirt with the pocket with all the candy’s. Sitting there in his lap while he captured my sister between his legs who was trying to sneak up and steal a pocket candy…I wish I sat there a minute longer. He used to have this smell that just remeinded me of him. Kind of like a musky hay scent. He was a farmer you know. Sometimes I get scared at how vivid my memories are of those days. Don’t they say your life flashes before your eyes before your life is in itself gone. My memory of those days isn’t flashing though. It feel like I am reliving through these moments. Like they are trying to tell me something. A part of me is curious as I want to know the message but another part of me is content having them walk beside me. Maybe that is all I need to survive the blues of the season. For in this moment I am reminded of how much I was once loved. I am thankful for the opportunity to become the woman they knew I was born to be. Yes at times I feel so blue I can’t even breathe. That is only because I am suffocated by so many great memories. There has to at least be some serentiy in that.