The reality of today is that somebody close to us probably suffers alone. They suffer in silence because it is i their own silence that they get to pretend in an alternate reality when they aren’t possessed by their own addictions. The biggest lie they tell is the one to themself. The lie that convinces then that they aren’t hurting anybody. That in keeping quiet and not allowing anybody to come close they suffer alone. They have no idea the impact that they have on us, nor do they care. If they care it is numbed by the feeling of tying off and watching as the blood feeds back into the syringe. I had no idea why the site of blood working it’s way up was like heaven on Earth to these addicts. That signifies that they hit a bloodline and soon, soon all there worries and cares will be gone until the next time they start looking for their fix.
When an addict finall succombs to their demons it is nothing personally towards us. They are tired of the roller coaster of life that has seemed for the time to cease working. There are no more ups only the permanent wave of being caught on shore never to return to the sea. Losing our friend in the manner we did was one of the hardest wake up calls for all of us. We watched our friend lose the battle in front of those that loved him most. We stood there gripping on to him like we could make the final choice if he was allowed to stay or go. Nobody wanted to blame the addict because he had just paid the ultimate price. Not wantingg to taint his memory we weave these stories that ease our pain but it somehow makes it seem like we were the enemy. We were the ones who didn’t notice the pain. In the moment of an addict succombing to their drug we will wheel and deal with the inevitable hoping and praying that maybe somebody out there will take santicty on our soul. It is only in this moment of feeling saved that we can feel at peace with where they are going. We will grieve for years to come. In some case we will mourn the loss for the rest of our lives. The living becomes these shells that are far worse off then the addict who lived before. Living broken becomes the hardest thing that anybody will ever have to do. We didn’t ask for it. We lived our lives accordingly to plan. We stayed away from hard drugs and those on the other side of the law for what? To be eaten by their demons in order to satisfy for their hunger…What a world we live in!
For those of you who know a bit about me my husband is a recovering addict. I never knew him in the throws of his addiction. He still functioned and worked full time but he was still playing roulette with his life every time he shot up. My husband has been clean for 5 years. The friends that he was closest with growing up are still struggling. We all know how hard it is to give up on our childhood friends especially when you have lived that sort of lifestyle together. It is incredibly odd to listen to him and his friend talk about those they grew up with, those that still use and those that have either died or have found themselves back in jail. In their 20’s they werent so desperate like they are now. One of their friends went in for stealing catalytic converters. That is something so common for any addict looking for a quick fix. When you exhaust all of your friends and families income sources you get pushed off to the streets. I can’t imagine a drug that will make you sacrifice everybody and everything.
This storey is important because it needs to serve as awareness or at least for you to open your eyes. My husband’s closest friend is suffering right now. In fact I have cried for the last 2 weeks wondering if they were ever going to find him. When our other friend passed I made a comment that I thought was funny. As a joke I told him I was piss testing all of my husbands friends just to make sure they were clean. It is not because I think I am better than anybody and believe that it should be my way or the highway. It is because I do not want to open my heart, home and family to somebody who doesn’t care about their own life. If these addicts keep dropping like flies and they become friends of mine it is going to shatter my heart each and every time. Not to mention that my son loves him. Looking at it now I should have thought closer when he snapped at me. He said it was none of my business. Maybe it is my business when you watch my son. Maybe it is my business if you are bringing the drug into my house. Maybe it is my business because your life means something to me even if it means nothing to you.
It’s a classic storey. My husband’s friend was supposed to stop by and babysit two weeks ago. Nothing. Maybe it was a blessing as my mother in law came instead. That night he got a new strain of drug that kicked him in his *ss. It was stronger, more pure, maybe the cut was different. But what he said was with the combination of alcohol he blacked out. He doesn’t know how long he was out for but for the last two days he has been sitting in a hot bath trying to get his brain back. The last thing he remembered was drinking with a girl. She offered up drugs and like every addict he wanted in. Apon awakening he noticed his phone was gone and his car was smashed up. Not to mention he felt like a bag of assholes and lost 30 pounds. His bender lasted two weeks. Just over. The whole time as his calls automatically went to voicemail who assumed the worst. My husband was trying to get him a job so of course we assumed the worst. Who would do that in this economy? We found out later through his brother that his mom was arguing with him that he was using again. Sounds exactly like the storey of our other friend. Only the living experiences the guilt from the addicts consequences. I thought he was dead. It was the source of alot of our arguments. I was mad that my husband wasn’t trying harder but my husband knew the cycle of an addict. My husband almost said word for word what was happening. He told me that this has happened before. That he would have smashed his phone and couldn’t afford another one. That he wouldn’t just stop by because he would be strung out and not know if he was home.
The morning that his friend finally showed up I was relieved but extrememly pissed off. He was so embarassed of himself that he didn’t want to come around. He knew though that the only person he had that was going to help him out of this was my husband. Sitting in our kitchen Saturday he told us that he couldn’t face being around anybody. That he only surface to let us know he wasn’t dead. He told us that the only peace he had was sitting in the bath tub letting the hot water keep him from freezing. He said that his brain was starting to open up again and he was starting to dream. In my mind listening I was like how does anybody ever get this bad. Life is this gift that we all get to enjoy but there are those that would rather block out their whole existence…even to themselves. With that sort of self mutilation and torture you have to ask yourself when do you love yourself enough and set them free. Yes we may not like the outcome of their choices but it their choice to make. Loving an addict is hard. Losing an addict is even harder. Do we really need to suffer anymore by not living our best possible lives. The addict who loves us back would say yes. That little kid we remember that would throw their arms around our necks and tell us they love us isn’t their anymore. Living addicted or finally passing on the weight is still the same. The difference in passing is we know they are finally at peace and happy and finally safe because they are home.