What if I told you that the secret to your happiness you already have. I know mumbo jumbo and all that cr*p but I am serious. What if I told you that it was in it to change the course of your own life. If only for a wish. I mean put it out into the Universe and see what happens. But first off it really truly has to start from within. I began to write every single day because I wanted to grow my ability to write. I was reading a ton and falling in love with music so it seemed natural to want to have a dialogue if even with myself for awhile. I almost live in solitude. If it weren’t for one sided conversations or the occasional appointment I think I almost would never have a reason to talk. It isn’t a bad thing. It isn’t a terrible thing but something crazy started to happen. I started getting comfortable in my own skin.
We all have these silly imperfections that swarm us from all sides. Are those crowsfeet, fine line, wrinkles. What the hell is that whisker doing there? I swear I saw a grey hair. Did my knees creek? What exactly is going on here. We fail to absorb any sort of human relationship because how can we? How can we enjoy and love the being in front of us when we can’t even love the person inside. We all fight with ourselves about something. If your overweight you want to be thin. If you are thin you want to have curves. If you are male you want to be female, If you are female you want to be male. We are never happy with ourselves and that feeling of uneasiness only grows when others mimick back to us our greatest fears. It’s hard to really grasp the full understanding of what it truly means to live. Can we only be happy if we sit apo a million dollars burning bridges and setting fires where we may go. Is that pack of wolves you follow so closely the standard you want to set for yourself or worse yet who you want to be known for. Sometimes the best gift you can give yourself is serenity. The peace to know that maybe just maybe you can’t change the ebb and flow of time. You can’t erase the transgressions from the past nor can you ignore them completely. A complete understand of why and how you got there is the only true way to find your way back.
Back to what you may ask. To a time when you were once comfortable in your skin. When mirrors were used to make funny faces and to make sure you didn’t have spinach stuck between your teeth. I think high school is where it starts. When we begin to question what it is we like. It only takes one comment from somebody we never interaccted with to freeze us in time and make it so we are too scared to truly be who we are. We frantically scurry to conform to their ideaologies forgetting that is the opposite of who we truly are and who we were born to be. Do you remember what even made you happy? Before you were made to believe that you were geeky and uncool. For me it was my family. I adored my family but it was not that cool to want to spend movie nights in with them. Not knowing who I was and too scared to stand out on my own I started to drink. Drinking didn’t make me feel better. Nor did it actually make me fit in. I just became the person with the alcohol so how can any real connections be established. I spent my whole life running from who I was in the mirror. I was fully aware though that people only responded to me based on what they see.
When you lose your sense of self you begin to lose everything. My twenties were spent trying to attract guys to obtain the family I always dreamed of. When I thought I met the man I would marry it was like we almost gave up on life. He stopped working. We lived off my student loans. I wanted to not be a loser who didn’t have anything so I took on two jobs. My partner at the time took it to mean that he could sit all day at not one but TWO computers playing a game called Everquest. From the moment he woke till the moment he fell asleep he would only play this game. It didn’t matter to me much because I was never home. If I wasn’t in school I was working and if I wasn’t working I was in school. Our house because I filthy den for two and my weight skyrocketed to well over two hundred pounds. I still didn’t care. I was unhappy. I hated who I was. My parents were just getting a divorce and the life I created looked more like a joke then anything I ever could have dreamed.
When the word came down that my bank branch was closing and it was time to move on I saw the light. I was terrified and scared not knowing what doors were closing and if any were ever going to open but at 24 I was pretty much failing at life anyways so what does it matter if I failed it somewhere else. We had 90 days to find another job. We would be guaranteed inerviews but the rest would be up to us. I applied to two jobs one in New Westminster and one in Edmonton. The one in New Westminster was a lower paid job then Edmonton. I landed both jobs and needed to decide. Edmonton would be almost 16 hours away where as New Westminster was only 4. I decided to stay closer to my significant other…. I had invested 4 years into it. There is no feeling quiet leaving the home you built to live in a city. To live in a city alone to boot. Not to mention that the apartment I chose had cockroaches I barely slept at night. Being alone in the silence however you begin to come to terms with where your life is sitting. In the darkness I would think about all the things I had hope to be when I was little. During that time I was so ashamed of who I was that I barely even went home. I kept myself away from the people I loved and surrounded myself with people who didn’t even know me. Worse yet they didn’t even care to know. I sacrificed everything to entertain the idea of being somebody I was not. Only to learn that in the end the only person you need to be comfortable with is yourself.
The greatest relationship you can ever have is the one that you have with yourself. I spent alot of time running from other peoples demons. You know the ones. The ones they send to haunt your thoughts and your dreams in their absense. You can here their voices taunting you out of nowhere. Daring you to smile. Pushing you to the brink of oblivion before allowing you back to the surface. My skin has become my armour. Serving as protection to what lies underneath. Yes you may see the surface in various shapes and sizes. You may never know from one day to the next what I may bring to the World. In fact most will never know my inner most thoughts and desires because those are for me and me alone. There are different ways to wear your heart on your sleeve and to protect yourself from having your pages ripped out from your open book. You don’t have to live jaded because of a few others who fail to notice the beauty that is you. It took me along time to become comfortable with who I am. Both on the inside and on the out. This journey will serve as a testament that all that I am and who I hope to be. I hope that some of my words inspire you to feel the same way. If we all could just live comfortably how better would the world truly be?