First of all…Merry Christmas to all. As the day unfolds as it may I can’t help but wonder where the magic of Christmas has gone. Is it just me or does the year seem to go faster and faster the older we get. We barely got started decorating and already it is time to begin packing it all up. I don’t remember it feeling like this. I remember the magic lasting longer. Maybe it is because we have time forever chasing us down. It is every where around us robbing us of our freedom and goodwill. Everything is a race, a competition of sort. No focus on who we are our what brings us joy. I live the chaotic togetherness of the holidays my fondest memories are there. It hurts my heart to feel how differently everything seems and that I know that there will be no turning back. There is something missing these days in general. Like a lack lustre spirit dulled by it’s own imperfections instead of foraging ahead into the unknown. Life and all it’s grandeur forever nullified by the lack of connection with each other and the space of time we find ourselves in.
Christmas reminds me of the void that exists in my heart. That small space inside that is untouched by all others. Scared to allow anybody in. I keep that small piece of me tucked away so it not to get broken or destroyed. We all have our weaknesses. We choose to ignore all those though. We want to seem strong and resilient. Impervious to those that will never understand. I spent my Christmas Eve alone while my husband caught up on sleep. My son and the animals tucked in beside him I was left alone in my own presence. I do enjoy my own company and I spend alot of time enetertaining myself but on that night…I just really needed somebody. Somebody to talk to. Somebody to laugh with. Somebody to make you feel like you are not alone in the World. I know I am a mom and that is the greatest gift of all time. But there alone in the darkness I couldn’t stop the tears. My music couldn’t console me nor my readings. I could only focus in on that giant hole in my heart.
As a mom you finally experience that connection that only a mother/child has. Until you have had it ripped away though there is no feeling that can ever compare. Yes I have an estranged relationship with my Dad. And yes I know that I will never again hear that loving voice on the other end. Now here in the darkness as I sit here al alone. I feel this incredible urge to mourn. To mourn the loss of what should have been. It is hard enough to look in the mirror and not hate what I see. Did I push these men away to feel this way about me? It has to be me. Here in the darkness with only my thoughts to comfort me the realization sets in that maybe I am not somebody that is worthy of love. Through all the pain and abuse that I endured all I wanted was to not feel alone. All I ever wanted was to once again have the love of my hero, my dad. It is hard to live as a wife and mom when there is a dark hole in your heart.
This is why I travel. I am so desperate to find a conenction with anybody deep within my soul. With the absence of those that I have felt true love it is hard to feel whole. I long to have anybody look at me with pride and say, “That’s my girl!” So now here as my family sleeps, I cry. I am not looking to upset my family dynamic in anyway. I just long for somebody to talk to. Somebody to brighten up my day. I can’t help it though. When a piece of you is lost forever it is hard to let go. My biggest fear has already been realized. I life without my Dad. When I was younger I took it all for granted. I wish I would have realized what was at stake but it was never going to matter. I would have sipped my egg nog a little bit slower and maybe waited for hours to have my dessert. If you would have told me that I was about to be shunned and hated by my own father in a mere matter of years I would have laughed. The part of me that feels like I failed will always exist because I can’t tell you what it feels like. Our relationship wasn’t traditional in the sense that I endured an abusive relationship for over 1.5 years when I was just a teen. I hope he knows that back then I would have hid it from him forever. I was more concerned with having a boyfriend no matter how violent he was to become. My Dad has saved my life though. If it wasn’t for our estranged relationship I wouldn’t have become who I am now.
Using my son as the compass and my Dad as my true North I was able to change my life around. I became soembody who I always wanted to be. I wanted to be a safe place for all so that nobody has to feel the way that I did. Nobody should have to live a minute cast off in another person’s shadow. Your authenticity is created by all your expriences and the way you weave them together to create something beautiful. Yes my heart will always have hole but that was where all my dreams with my Dad should have filled. I have always loved him so deeply and struggled for so long trying desperately to connect. As I mourn the loss of a relationship that should have been and never was. I see the emptiness that surrounds so many during this holiday season. I still have my family and a warm place to call home. More than anything I am greatful for that. Longings and dreams are just there to remind of of what should have been and to fill us with hope for the future. As this Christmas Day unfolds and we spend it surrounded by my in-laws, at least it is family and hopefully a World that my son will always have. Disagreements seem trivial this time of year when the basis of the holidays is supposed to be family and cheer. So as I mourn the loss of old traditions I know it is time to welcome the new. Family will always be with what you make of it. The heart is built to withstand a great deal. So with barrying the past one shovel at a time I know soon the pain will be over and the new love will have space to grow.