It wasn’t enough anymore. At times when life was working smoothly she thought she could tolerate the void. That piece of here that became ignored when she said, “I do.” It wasn’t that she desired another it was that she desired more. In his eyes she didn’t stand out anymore. She was merely the glue that kept the house together. Without her the house was in constant disarray. It wasn’t like he was holding her prisoner physically but I war was beginning inside of her and she wasn’t sure if she was ready.
Inside their was a constant battle going on. At times she though that maybe just maybe she was pretty enough to captivate his attention. Just like the 1,000’s of days before though as soon as his head hit the pillow she ceased to exist. To be caught in a World where one is constantly scrutinized, where time is your enemy and being lonely is your friend. You create a World that satifies your curiosity. Satisified that this is as good as it could get you live a life more simply. Becoming scared of your own reflection because that must be the reasons why. Is it normal not to feel the touch of a man on your skin? How long must one wait? Does it make you any less of a woman when you are no longer desireable. How does it impact the way you feel in a room where you no noone.
As a teen growing up she was never really admired by anyone. In fact the only one that ever complimented her was her father. He used to tell her that when she was older she would blossom. She would wear those words as a cover shielding herself from the outside World whenever the World got to cold. It no longer mattered as much when others couldn’t see past what was on the outside. As long as she loved her and thought she was beautiful then she would always have the strenght to move on. It’s funny though how she assumed that her Father’s love would be unconditional. Assuming that she would always have that love to fall back on she began to venture out. The World though too ugly even for the strongest of heart chewed her out and spit her out. When she went to her only source of power to get her batteries recharged she was met with a turned back and cold shoulder. It seemed for now that this journey of hers would turn into a painful quest of self discovery that at times would seem never ending.
She used to listen to the insults that they would feed her. Where some would say that she was too fat others would say that she was too skinny. She would spend hours in the gym working towards having a fit body only to binge for days on beer and pizza when the results weren’t immediate. It became a vicious cycle of self loathing and hate. When you become uneasy in your skin the onslaught of bad decisions would follow. Trying to find a replacement for her father’s love drove her to a lot of bad decisions. She looked for answers at the bottom of every bottle and at the end of every line. They were all the same.
That’s how she found herself in her latest prediciment. In a trailer park in Symon’s Valley with a guy known only as Big Red. When he invited her to his house she didn’t think that he meant a trailer. In the dark during this mild snow storm she was now beginning to realize the error of her ways. Her judgement has long been off because of her broken heart. Her phone had no service. Now here watching this 6’5 roided out monster eat his own dogs eye snot the thought krept in that this was where she was going to die. He was persistent and the whole trailer shook as he stood in front of her in his boxers. He wanted intimacy and she was scared but she couldn’t let him see that. All she could think of doing was playing a character. A character that appreciated her surroundings and wa entralled with this creep in front of her. Lucky for her she was able tostomach the thought of kissing him if only to settle him down. Somehow she convinced him that sleep was the best option in lieu of drinking. Her open beer sitting on the table untouched. It was hard enough not to run out of the trailer screaming but any of that nonsense for sure would have seeled her fate.
Her lack of confidence was what always seemed to get her into trouble. She never believed that she was worthy of anything good. If somebody like her father could hate her. What chance does she have with a decent human being. It all boils down to trying to get justification from your existence in the eyes of somebody else. That is what drives most of everything that we do. We want to be accepted. We want to feel love. We want to be gripped by the unbridled temptation of passion that only loving another can give. Without that validation of who we are on the outside it is almost impossible to feel comfortable in our skin. We can see what others can see. Without that acknowledgement though we begin to questions everything. Who we are. What we feel. Everything that exists around us become a figment of our imagination as we reach for anything to wake us up.
Her life was calm and pretty much by the book. She moved through the days keeping herself busy with idle tasks. Trying to find a reason to her existence than just being a fixture in the house. Without passion though that is all she has become. Wondering if life makes sense if she continued on in this way. There was so much at stake this time. She thought it was the right decision and at times it was. But here 4 years into it and nothing has changed. Things have only gotten worse. Her days are filled as an after thought. Like all that she is good for is cleaning and taking care of the kids. She was comfortable in her role as wife and mother but she felt guilty for the thoughts she was having. Her brain liked to play tricks on her. As she slept she dreamed of a different life. In some dreams she was with her husband in others she was exploring the World. The only way to tell what was real and what was a vision was the relentless crying of a baby in the background. Begging for her attention. She wonders what it will take to feel comfortable again. Maybe she never was and maybe that is what makes it impossible. Like an enigma haunting her from the past the only truth that she knows is that maybe just maybe one is never truly comfortable in their own skin. Even with the validation of others she will never feel hole. Maybe the problem is in the defintion. Maybe it is impossible for anybody to truly feel comfortable. Maybe just maybe that the only way to truly feel comfort is to release yourself from all the ties that bind you and realize you are only good enough as you are within.