We have this uncanny ability to let the years slip us by with barely any notice. What impacts our life today only seems like a mild irritation tomorrow. We spin our wheels on empty hoping that maybe just maybe the secret will be out there to set us free. Did you ever wonder what exactly that secret was that we are searching form. In the grander scheme of things would it change how you moved forward into tomorrow if you in fact knew that this was your last day and then like a broadway play that has run it’s course the curtains close for the last time. There will be cheering, there will be flowers, there will be people moved to tears. But in the light of the next morning your storey doesn’t even have a mention as the next broadway specticle takes place.
I write because I know we have that in common. A fear of the unknown that will try and hold us back. Our insecurities will convince that it is not safe. Our gut instinct will tell us everything we need to do to survive. I am simply here to try and help you to live. Life is scarey because there will never be a guaranttee and we will never be granted the serenity of knowing what lies for us after. The only inkling I think that we have is to puruse through the lives of those that have lived great lives before and examine what they believed was the importance to living.
I will always return to the book “How to Hepburn”, by Karen Karbo as one of my beacons to remind me of how great life can be when you play an active role in yours. Before I started on this journey of helping my life blossom. I was just the average 35 year old going back to school, trying to redefine my dreams. Trying hard not to focus on that internal clock that tells me that my hopes of being a mother are dashing. That feeling alone hangs over your head like a noose. The problem with that kind of desperation is desperation seeks out more desperation and if I would have just gave up on myself I probably would have had two kids living in a trailer park not able to write to you like I am now. For me having the confidence to return back to school was the positive injection I needed in my life. I was coming to that point where I was basically making aenough to stay alive. My fault entirely. I decided in an effort to change mylife Iwould move out of the basement I was living and unto the 2nd floor. With moving up the price also soared. I was comfortable at the time when I transitioned. I even though that maybe it would help meet somebody. But I was still pretty toxic and negative from the inside.
I remember my first pageant like it was yesterday. I was scared and anxious to meet the other girls. If you have eveer had the opportunity to go to an event with Pin-up girls you should. They are gorgeous and friendly and always willing to pose for pictures. Even as I was dressed up as they I stood for photos and signed autographs…lil ol farm girl me. I have always loved to dress up and formulating the perfect outfit was always my thing. Even going out in my twenties meant that I flawless outfit must be worn right down to the stocking and shoes. I was used to standing out in a crowd. Back then though I did it so I could keep the attention of my significant other. It always seemed no matter how I dressed or how I acted I was this magnet that kept all these guys away. Looking at my son now I can see why. He is the perfect lil ball of energy who complements my life perfectly. He is a little combination of both me and my husband.
Alot has happened in the course of our relationship that has altered the direction that we are on now. With the passing of our sweet cat Herbert it bonded us together in a way. Yes we do fight like cats and dogs. But not so much in anger and not so much with name calling because it’s natural to disagree at times when things are tough. What I do know from over the last four years is that in order to really take a good hard look at who you are and what you can do you really do need a supporting partner. That is not why we stay together though. We stay together because we love each other. That all those little annoying little qualms that we experience in a day or minor blips on the radar of life. Life can not be perfect. You need the dips and highs. What we all need in our lives is somebody who is always going to be on our side no matter. My husband works long hours 6 days a week in order for us to raise our son. I gave up my budding career at Sephora. I was finally working in a field I loved. Work didn’t feel like work but more of a dream. I finished my schooling even after getting “fired” for being too pregnant. I contancted another local school and asked them if they would be willing to administer my final exam. There was a whole unit that I didn’t get a chance to learn yet. It was either through my hat into the ring or lose it all. The results were supposed to come in 6 months and I think mine arrived on the 7th. I couldn’t open it fearful for the results. My husband opened it and right there and then I learned that all you really need is that dream to help get you through. Imagine that me the terrible test maker passing an International Exam administered through the UK by teachers I had no relationship with. I did it!! I passed!
I always thought life was supposed to be lived a certain way. I tried to coform to the standards that are so acceptabted out there in todays World. What I find these days is that I prefer good company. I will travel to the ends of the Earth just to have a cup of tea with a like minded soul. Does anybody remember my crazy one day trip to Vancouver lol In a World where days blend all into one I am determined to try and make each one stand out. I have heard what some say about those that have confidence. To you I pray that one day you will one day be able to open your mouth and have compliments come out. There is no place in my World for malicious gossip and hateful words. I have lived decades bound by the negativity of others. It truly is time for a new way of being. Safety and strength and numbers. Bully’s used to win but in my eyes no more. I somehow need to get into the school district and share my storey. I know what it feels like to walk with your eyes down cast at your shoes. Too scared to lock eyes with anybody else out of fear of ridicule. “Till no more eyes hit the floor!” Should be the motto for 2020. As adults we should lead by example instead of critisizing people for reasons unknown. The reasons that one has to be malicious to someone is a reflection apon themselves. Maybe that is why Kate left number 22. as being love somebody who doesn’t deserve it. Love I think is the secret. And love can definetly change the World.
Hepburn always had one eye on her career and another on how it was being perceived. She knew intuitevely the tremendous importance of creating and tapping into, a self that was larger-than-life, a self that would shield her more vulnerable self, while at the same be perfect for public consumption.