Rule #6 as advised by K Heburn. How can one go quietly when there is so much chaos surrounding us. I am torn with the illusion of fabricating yet another lie or maybe being honest with myself and all of you. I publicly started my journey because I wanted to show the World that it was possible. That it is possible to find happiness and gravitate towards it. I don’t know what role my marriage had to me getting to where I am now. My son through all of this will always be my blessing. He was the driving force behind every thing. The role of being a mother though run parallel so at times the two got confused. Once all the smoke lifted though there was nothing more to hide. The incredulous amount of shame that swarms me from all sides is suffocating. It wants me to believe that somehow in someway that I attracted all this attention towards me. Maybe I did. Maybe I moved blindly into a World that I was never prepared for. Maybe it is just another blip in the life of me. I want to cry but somehow I feel like I have been set free. That noose that was tightening around my neck was now gone. The only thing left to share was my honest truth and the blind faith that I had going forward.
My role as mother blendinded in perfectly with what my husband believed were services to him. I kept the house cleaned. Cooked him meals that he would never eat in favour of McDonalds. The family life I had envisioned was already gone. I just wanted to lie to myself for one more day. Tired of being labeled as a failure once again I hid my shame from everybody. It was easy to do because I only felt like that in his presence. At the end of all our fights I always ended with, “I can never be who I was born to be with you around.” Those words echoed throughout my day. I would preoccupy my brain with violin, reading and writing. Anything to stop me from admitting to myself what was going on within these 4 walls. Yes you see alot of me getting this gifts and getting these trips. The cost for all that came at a very high price.
My sanity came into play. I began to slut shame myself for wanting itimacy with him. I longed for even just a kiss. Some sort of energy passing through before us. He loved to say that our son was the reason. I am beginning to learn that it was him all along. Imagine being married for almost 3 years. We have not been intimate in anyway since May 13, 2018. I tried to tell myself that it was normal that this was married life. That urges that one has or a source of evil. I kept repeating all these reasons why intimacy was bad. I love people. I love smiles and hugs and laughter. I love living my life beside others. Not in a sexually charged way but I way of pure love.
Remember when I wrote about the stranger that I met in the Wisconsin aiport? We talked for hours about life, love and politics. I was reading about JFK at the time so I was feeling very patriotic. As they called for boarding on his flight he hugged me goodbye. It was only for a second but I still remember the way it felt to be hugged in that way. I turned and walked back to where my gate would board. Turning to sit I looked up and again it was that man. I know to some you would think it was creepy but to me he squished all my lil broken pieces together. He came back because he told me he felt that I needed a goodbye to last a lifetime. No truer words have ever been spoken.
So why all this talk about nonsense for? I think because I needed the courage. So in order to release my shame out into the atmosphere I will come clean to all of you. It is not about airing our dirty laundry. It is about connecting with each other on a deeper level. It is about saying I hear your cries and I will carry you till your feet hit the floor. So rather spend the start of a new decade chained to the past I will set my soul free. Some of you know that my husban is a recovering addict. He has always been honest with his sobriety. In the same way that he just stood in our bedroom doorway at 2am telling me he used again. Every day is me spent raising our son. I clean the house 20 times over, cook food that never gets eaten and take care of all our furbabies. I used to complain aboutt he lack of help but I learned how much I loved it. The animals and humans that I spent my whole day with loved me unconditionally. It was my husband who has not. He knew the risk of deciding to use again and last night he made that choice. Unfortunately he crossed the only boundary that I had in place. He used with the very same person who stood at our friend’s bedside as he died. So now as the rest of you prepare to welcome the new year with an exicted vigour like never before, I am filled with uncertainty.
My life had already began to feel seperate from his. Our passions were different. He would rather smoke cigarettes and get high or sleep then play an active role in our lives. He always did the bare minimum. I wanted to shelter my family from the World because I thought in doing so I would protect them. Now I see that who needs the most protecting is me. I have to stay strong and positive to those that matter. I know that it is unrealistic for me to change the World. I know that what I can do is change mine. I have no words to use in regards to my husband other than what I have chosen to share. My heart hurts but I know I am not alone. I have tears but they are not only mine. My tears combine themselves with those of anybody who has ever felt isolated from themselves. I think that is what makes it a bit easier. Knowing that I am not alone. That I am not the alien in what is unfolding in my life. Still through all this pain I want to try and be a beacon for those that have suppressed themselves for so long just like me. It is ok to lose your voice. Just as long when you get it back you use it for good instead of evil. My life is worth something to me. Even if it isn’t to anybody else. I know what happens when you choose to listen to the lies of an addict. Now going forward I will seperate myself from all the negativity (including my husband). I will reteach myself that with holding intimacy is abuse. I can’t wait to go to divorce court telling them that in addition to all this your honour we have yet to consummate our marriage. Maybe that is why I still remain youthful in appearance. How incredibly unique and weird is that though? I have become the virtous divorcee virgin at 40. Who would have thought. So now instead of ringing in the new year with family I will be ringing it in blindly. As Kate believed, “Realize you can go blindly.” In fact that is just what I will do.