You know nobody likes pointing fingers. Especially at ourselves. We put on these masks that hid our imperfections. Selling a version of ourselves that doesn’t even exist. The consequences of betraying oneself aren’t apparent at first. But it does erode at your self esteem and dull your spirit. I have always preached about loving who you are in the mirror and honouring her first. I am also a huge believer in signs. Normally my evenings wrap up around 11. I may or may not play the violin based on if I had played during one of his naps if he has any. Today was a no nap day. Imagine my surprise as he goes down for the count just as I suddenly realize the reason why I felt like a roller coaster ride of emotions.
Some may believe that it is tied directly to the top 6 announcement for the Viva Las Vegas “Queen of the Car Show” Pin-Up pageant. Let’s be honest! If I was chosen I would like be super eccstatic but the reality is 160 women threw their name in the ring and each and every one of them has a right to be there. I would love to be on that stage strutting myself but damn….it’s Vegas. I may have dreams but I am still humble.
My anxiety creeped up on me all at once. This morning just felt off. No matter what I did I couldn’t get those gears moving. I felt like I got hit by a bat. Scrolling mindlessly through facebook this video caught my attention. I only play it now because it needs to go viral:
I mean even now I feel the pain of that poor sweet angel. In the moment though that weight of rejection sat right on my chest. I tried to breathe but I was overcome with this incredible sadness. I watched him run after the car trying to understand. Looking at my son playing amongst our dogs I couldn’t understand. How could any human being doing this to any other living thing. My heart shattered into these pieces as I struggled to understand how anybody in this World could do such a thing. I obviously commented but I think it happened in Ecuador so nobody answered my cries. Turning to google I thought maybe the news would have picked it up…right? People still care don’t they? Please don’t ever google puppy missing one leg gets abandoned. What comes up is so horrific. Right there in front of my son I broke down. What I saw were storeis about a man cutting of his dogs legs, two WOMEN cutting of their dogs legs, dogs chewing off their own legs because they were starving!!! This is our World. This is what my son has to look forward to. In that moment I was so overtaken by just how cruel we as humans are. We has the ability to do so much good but we choose this path, this life, these ways. There has to be compassion.
Trying to avert my eyes anywere I refreshed my facebook feed. What I saw next was the photo from outer space showing all of Australia on fire billowing with smoke. I mean ever lil piece of it was red. So many animals, so many lives. How can we not see that what we need now is salvation. Without love and without compassion we are forever doomed. I asked my husband where could the animals go to escape the fire. He said they would run till they couldn’t run anymore. Being forced into the ocean wit nowhere to go. How as a human can we all not feel the loss. My heart feels so very heavy. As I scrolled farther down my feed was filled with these happy smiling faces. Only because I preach honesty about all I will tell you next. With my son in my lap I was overcome with desperation. Like that if this was the World’s destiny then why wait for the inevitable. I let the tears flow as my son wiped the tears away. My anxiety got the best of me. I felt lost, hopeless, unidentifiable with the life unfolding in front of me.
My anxiety was spilling out of me causing me to feel frustrated with things that normally wouldn’t bother me. The house looked turnover, the puppy peed again, my son was playing in his poop. It was boom, boom, boom….target hit. My husband came home from a long days work. He has a deadline to hit. He was a little bit short but not overly. I can’t remember the details but I lashed back at him…why are you picking on me why are you saying that. He looked at me with this quizzical expression like have you gone nuts and that is when it hit me. I totally forgot to take my anxiety meds. I usually take this first thing in the morning but I just slept in….ooopssss! I had no idea that missing a dose could actually make one feel completely crazy. I absolutely hate using that word but I was all sorts of emotions that really didn’t call for it. I was never really in any danger. I absolutely love my life but as much as I was trying to stay positive. My brain on the other hand was like uhmmmm oh no you don’t lady get back on this bus….destination crazy town…population you!
We all have our days. Good days and bads. The key to getting through the bad is to try and surround yourself with us much positivity as you can. I am still riding the emotional roller coaster back down. I just have a better understand of what and why it happened. In lieu of praticing my violon and reading my book (I so need to finish it like yesterday) I decided to write this super raw and super honest post. No matter how hard we try we can never be perfect. Look at where being a pefectionist got me. Fired from Subway at 15. Guess they really don’t consider themselves Subway Artists…nor is that what you say when they tell you to slap the subs together. I wish we could take our imperfections and make it into one perfect being. Guess the World would be super boring if life were like that. Hopefully being honest with you will help you ride that roller coaster of life. At the very least it took my mind off of qualify for Vegas. I think that is a roller coaster even I wasn’t ready for today lol