Content In My Discontent

The relationships with family and friends are some of the most important connections we will ever make in this life. It is incredulous to think that more often than not these relationships will take a back seat to everything that comes up in our World. We are conditioned to believe that it is only these things that we can wear or hold in our hands that we can brag about. There was a time when I had no idea where our next meal was coming from. We would walk the streets in the rain looking for receipts to take back to the store to get a few bucks to have for food. It was cold. It was wet. It was too depressing to admit to anybody what we were doing. What we were now reduced too. I knew possibly that by disconnecting myself off to the rest of the World that I would find myself in trouble but at the time all I cared about was saving face. Did you ever think that you would rather have somebody think that you were dead instead of know the truth about you. That was my nightmare. I lived it everyday which seemed like an eternity. I cut myself off from my whole entire World because it was better than to admit my shame.

You never know what causes you to awake from a nightmare. Sleeping awake until the time to jolt you into reality. When it thinks that you can handle it your eyes flutter and the new presence unfolds. Adjusting to it at first seems surreal. I remember when my bubble burst and I went thrusting force into this new storey line. One that I thought I could find myself in. In my embarrassment of living unhealthy and poor my Grandfather passed away. He had dementia so some stopped seeing him long ago. When I was still working I would go and see him every time. Just sit and absorb his presence because I knew that we were on borrowed time. Not even borrowed because it was no longer ours. Stolen perhaps as I would sit and just remember everything about him in that time and space.

I remember one of my friends from high school became an incredible safe place for me. He was going through a divorce and we just found a lot of comfort in each others space. He was still back home and I was in the city so it was nothing like that. Just two old friends connecting on a deeper level. He told me how important it was to make my way back home every once in awhile to reconnect with those who were important to you because you just don’t know how much time we all have. He said in a text that he was going to meet his ex. I was on the bus going to work. I knew the conversation would take longer than before I started work so I just didn’t say anything…Believe what you want but I will never forget that heart stopping moment when you find out he is now in a comma. All the blood rushes too your head and your World stops. We went from talking about how he would be starting a camp job in the summer and me with the airlines. We were going to be able to visit every couple weeks. Now instead of taking time for each other. Time was taken from us. All pivotal moments that helped me realize that all time is borrowed. For all of us.

Never take for granted what you can seize today. Always reach, ask, absorb. Be present in the moment and in the experience because maybe one day that will be all you have. Memories can be oh so bittersweet until they become oh so haunting. Flashes of once were or what could have been. The fork in the road as you veer in the wrong direction. Maybe it was self preservation. Maybe it just wasn’t the time. Maybe because if your paths had crossed back then you would be nothing now. Young love when it happens that first bolt that makes your heart pump. You never truly forget that feeling and you compare all feelings after that to it. My life as it sits now sometimes feels like a beautiful dream but also reminds me of what was maybe lost or gained. My heart still aches for that connection. That zing. Maybe that is why I have been so accustomed to the pain. Almost numb.

My greatest memory of a time when I last felt like a mattered to someone almost doesn’t exist. In my mind it still happened. You know that incredible first love kinda feeling. You see with mine our paths crossed during a whole other life time. I almost question if it ever existed in this life. Maybe it didn’t. Maybe that is why I am destined to live kind of in sorrow. Isolated from the World. Like a grieving mistress I prefer to stay in the shadows. Only to appear for these bursts of greatness to remind the World of once was and maybe once could be again. In absence of human contact comes this incredible void. It eats at you like this disease ravaging your whole body. I feel like I am living my life in reverse. Replaying my most fondest memories over and over to dull the pain. It’s not like it is always like this. Just for those brief moments when everybody else is asleep and the room becomes eerily quiet. You wonder how much longer you can live in solitude but also too scared to let anybody too close. It hurts when you give up so much of your time for nothing. We all like to feel like we matter to somebody in this World. We all want to feel like our words are being heard apon somebody’s ears. I think If I would have known that all my life was the glimpse realization for that one split second I was looking at true love I would live it all over again. Even if I knew then that sacrificing that happy ending gave me the one that I have now.

None of this makes sense as I read it back I get confused too. My happy ending is the one where I get to be a mom to the craziest little 2 year old boy. That no matter how hard my life gets he will always be my number one. My happiest moments on Earth have come because we decided to conquer the World together. We both sat their on the operating table in limbo as the dr’s scurried trying to figure out which one to save. Well we decided that we would just make it count together. We have an incredible bond that is being built pretty strong. We have a lot of fun and he challenges me to be my best. Maybe it comes from having to live with one of the greatest losses in my life. Maybe its because it still hurts when I think about losing my friend that day. There are a lot of lives that I have connected with along the way. I am still out there searching and hoping that maybe one day I will be blessed again. For now though I am just going to hang out to that cute lil man a little big longer. So if there is one secret that you should keep it’s the value of keeping those you love super close. I know I made the mistake of not doing so. My heart bleeds everyday with the loss.

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