My realization of time is it is all that we truly have to reflect back on as we move throughout it. We calculate and analyze and race around the clock trying to fit every lasting second into one small space in the hopes that maybe it can sustain us long enough. Our hunger for personal space and contact comes on like a ravenous beast as we are forced to admit that our fear keeps us paralyzed. Scared of reaching to far and getting bitten. Scared of breaking down the walls to suffer an invasion. The one truth that seems to be constant is you first have to honour your heart above everything else. Depleting that resource that keeps us alive will have detrimental affects. Never forget those that have lived right by you. Sometimes the hand that feeds you is the same one that you bite. It is ok to make this simple kind of transgressions. As long as you realize that once made sometimes you never get the chance to heal that wound. Some marks will always remain no matter how much sand passes through the hour glass.
Imagine if the hand that got bitten was your own. Have you ever looked in the eyes of animal over taken by fear? Not sure who to trust because all those before have thrown stones and laughed at your emaciated corpse as you struggle to find anything on the bare ground to sustain. It seems like the rest of the World has forgotten you existed. Like shame brought on a proud family you are kept outside for far too long and no longer have the social graces of the young stud that you once were. We all have to come to reality at least once in our lives. I have always been a believer in the fates and chance. Holding onto dreams and fairy tales a bit too long. Never wanting to forget that childlike wonder that comes when connecting with a like minded soul. The type of soul that has been starved for far too long. Left to it’s own devices it begins to recede into itself. Cautious and careful to those that they come into contact with. There will always be those that will take far too much and will never give anything back. There are those that will give of themselves until there is nothing left. Ashamed of who they have become they will allow them self to wither away until they once again turn to dust never to return.
I have always felt disconnected from my true self like she was a long distant daydream that I had once. In a desperate attempt to recreate the space in time where I knew nothing more than true happiness I have to recreate the dream. Did you ever know what was missing from your core but unsure up to now how it is you should navigate through the waters. Like a beacon of hope you are giving a sliver. Like a small piece of the puzzle to sustain you throughout the hands of time. Once that sliver is embraced and broken open you will either never get the answers you are looking for or you will get them all at once. Like a nightingale lost in flight I will through caution into the Universe. I will prove once again that the strength of my heart far outweighs any tragedy that will be thrown at me. My blind faith and open heart will search for the answers that only the wind can carry in. It is not so much the answers that I am seeking but that peace that comes from letting go. Maybe it was all an illusion. Maybe it is not for me to ever know.
Life. What we are all so desperate for but none of us can truly appreciate. When given the best moments of our lives we take them for granted and fail to appreciate the moment. We will spend the rest of our lives trying to recreate that feeling, that energy that surrounded us for a fleeting second before. In the dying eyes of so many we regret those chances we never took. Always wondering what could have been. The path we should have gone down. The hardest realization is when we start to pick a part the journey. Maybe there is a reason why we find ourselves here and not there. Maybe by pushing the issue that is when we are over taken by a tsunami of emotions. I know better than anybody the incredible value of taking that first step. I always take that first one into the unknown. The fear that registers is slowly over taken by nervous anticipation and hope. I use those memories of those that I loved as fuel into the future. You know if I have to journey forward without them then I better make it count. Like if they were sitting in the front row in the movie of my life I wanted them to be proud. So they know that the risk they took in loving me I still held close. That I made decisions based on if they were still here talking to me. Love never dies it just turns into this incredible other form. If you ignore the transition you can’t feel the incredible warmth that comes in loving somebody so pure. Why hate them for what happened or the Universe for it’s hand. I like to absorb into their essence, their being and use it as a tool to get me out of the overwhelming sensations I find myself in.
So as time continues to propel me forward I can’t help but hear the haunting whispers of the past. Those people who fill that space in time behind me that helped me become who I am today. I wonder if they think about me as much as I think about them. I wonder if we can ever forget the melodies of the past as they begin to learn a new beat of the future. Maybe that is what is missing a dance with the past to remind me of who I once was. Maybe I am still her. Maybe I have worn a mask for so long I am confused on who I truly am. Happiness and truth has always been the goal but is that where I find myself moving towards. Maybe it is time to throw one last stone and see the ripple of life. Will it carry to the shore banks of another beginning or will it plunge into the dark depths never to be seen. With the dawn of a new decade fresh on our heels I suppose it may be time for me to try. Let’s see once again how far I can get that rock to skip and how far the ripple of life wants to go.