If Only in My Madness

You never forget your teen idol crush. Even if it happened in the early 90’s during Teen Beat at it’s peak. The 90’s was a time of trying to discover who you were in a World that was still undiscovered. The news only came on three times a day and only for half hr at a time an hour max. The news at 11 was more of a sports highlight reel. The volumes of death and tragedy didn’t hit us like it does now. Mourning was only for those who paid attention. If you were too caught up in your own lives it wasn’t your fault for not knowing. We just didn’t have the information super highway that we do now. Where the ripples of horrific tragedies reach every shore as we all struggle to understand what kind of time that we live in.

I wanted to love the “Joker” for so many reasons. I loved the idea of it highlighting the descent into madness that so many of us walk alone. It also though highlights (at least to me) what can happen to an individual when their normal life gets ripped out of a headline and there is no hope of normalcy ever to return. I mean I wanted to love the Joker because I wanted to believe Joaquin and the struggle he was forced to endure. I will always remember the time I watched is brother grace the tv in front of me. “Stand by Me” would always be a favourite of mine. I frequently mixed the stories of River’s last moments. Both characters in the movie and in life died tragic ending. In the movie he grew into an adult who stopped a bar fight. In life he overdosed in front of the Viper room on Halloween with his gf and brother in his presence. I can not imagine the feeling of terror coursing through all their veins. We live in a time where overdosing is the norm. In fact many of us carry the life saving drug to bring those who drop back I into being. We now live in a time where tragic endings are normal.

The artistic descent into madness was almost suffocating. The focus on how it must feel when you become isolated from the rest of the World. When you try to live outside of the shadows leading forward into your destiny only to be kicked down multiple times. Both in the physical and mental state. We can see from the poetic way that they relayed his madness to us that this is a disease that is privy to us all. Our own descent begins when others fail to see or believe in what it is to be true. We team on the weak like some sick twisted pack. Our we so ignorant to the true meaning of life that we will sacrifice everything just to get ahead. How far ahead? Does it matter? 5 seconds of fame for some can erase a lifetime of memories with a snap of their fingers and click of their heels. It’s hard to trust people with the deepest darkest secrets that lay in our souls. What I could relate to was the artistic way we interpret certain events in order for it to seem more magical in a way.

There’s these pieces of my past that I want to share with the World. Not because that they are anything but it is where my happiest memories are stored. It is a time where I felt this immense true feeling of true love that just washed all over me. Something that remained platonic but kept this invisible hold no matter where in the World one would go. I don’t know how to explain it as I am just not ready to share too much. It is a time when there were no pieces I felt for once in my life home. Like this pull in the room that wanted to keep me there. That person. That one person is the key to my happiness. It is crazy how one person could possibly account for that much joy. Well I radiate a crazy amount of positivity to the point sometimes where I think I will go mad. It’s like I am trying to attract that energy back to me by putting myself out there and living a crazy inspired passionate life. I don’t want to live something mediocre knowing how good it was once and could possible be again. Hey I achieved all this broken could you imagine if I found my whole piece.

There is a bigger part of me that thinks that maybe I imagined the whole thing. That whole state of being because of the lifestyle I was living. Life was crazy 10 years ago. It was fun and if we were living the same lifestyle now that we did then well we never would have made it out alive. For us we spent the decade as always being the ones to have each others backs. Living in Surrey, BC thing were kind of sketchy at times. It was nice having that one person you could trust. Of course things got super crazy. I can’t really say too much more but he truly was my best friend, my guardian angel. He would hang on my every word when I would tell him all my hopes and dreams….of course he thought I was crazy but also mesmerized at the same time. I had a way of taking his mind off all the bad things that were going on. Of course we always wanted to make it into something more but our two worlds really would not mix well.

Life brought me into a different province, with different opportunities to learn and grow and blossom in a way that I was too scared too before. All because of a choice I needed to make at the time because looking back it was the only one where I ended up surviving. So I feel like I am in a headspace kind of unique. Like at times it all makes sense as the journey unfolds. I can see the path I needed to take and all the bumps along the way to get me to my ultimate goal. The goal that I had dreamed about for years. That the only way for it to ever come to be was for me to have to overcome an incredible loss. A loss of love that would always fraction a piece of my soul. I knew if I dug too deep and open up that this would be a very real possibility. I found a way to just exist out in the World. It feels eerie. It feels still. But it also feels that amongst this quite space in time there is something just over the horizon. Something that I think that will tie the storey all in together.

The descent into madness isn’t really something for anybody to judge. Nor should we poke the bear or stoke the fire. Let sleeping dogs lay and try not to reveal too much. Sometimes when you truly speak through your heart nobody else can ever understand it. It’s not that they don’t want to it’s that they will never truly understand. Two hearts beat and speak in the same language. Nobody else can get in the way of that. I think I believe this. I want to believe it but I feel like in order for me to truly do I must have gone mad myself.

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