In the Absence of Passion

In this journey of life I was always skeptical about finding, “THE ONE”. I mean could that even be a possibility. That in the cosmic state of the heavens we were born as pieces of one another that only feel at peace when we are once again whole. I know the idea that you have to have strength on your own two feet and that I do. But I was always curious to the possibility that there was just one out there who was born to complement our existence. Do you know what I mean? Not that lust, or passion, or love at first site. I mean the deep soulful love that has existed over time, through lifetimes the one that deeply connects you to all that you once were and who you will once again be.
I never really believed in that. I mean we are born with the capacity to love so should be able to love anybody so tell me how it is so that one being is all that you need to charge your soul. Hopefully for a lifetime if your existence in this life doesn’t permit a happy ending. Do you know the type of love that I mean. The love that comes in briefly for a moment just to let you know that it is there. Then runs away like a vision so you question whether it ever existed at all.
So here’s where I stand and also where I wonder. If I gave up true love to be a mother and have a son I don’t think that that was a mistake. But I will forever be haunted by that electrifying moment when I stared in the eyes of the one who recognized my soul. No words ever needed but time would always stand still. Feeling like a million miles a second but also feels like its not moving at all. To never have no words spoken to have this incredible smile radiate from deep within. Those feelings couldn’t be a mirage could they? Or is this truly something that needed to transpire in order for me to be right here where I am.
It was during a time when social media didn’t control our every whim. In the land of the information super highway he never existed. He can’t be found. It makes me question everything so instead of questioning everything I succumb to what the Universe throws at me as I learn to control the direction of the wind. If I did sacrifice true love for one reason or another I know that it must be for something grand. I spoke to a medium once who told me that my angels were hard at work trying to ensure that I didn’t fall prey to circumstance. That they tried hard to reveal peoples true intentions to me. Over the course of time it looks like an intrinsically written storey.  Through the looking glass of time it looks like insignificant at best.
So in absence of passion there is a lot that can be said. When my mind remains focused and always on track I can think ahead of my goals and who I aspire to be. Our mind likes to play tricks on us though and it is for those reasons I remain cautions. I am hesitant to lay my heart on the line because when left exposed the vultures began to surface. I am strong but I also only want to handle such large quantities of negative energy at a time. I have become quite good at detecting those that are more like a heat seeking missile. They come in search of you when times are tough like a shark drawn to blood in the water. Only coming to feast on the remains polluting their surroundings with the corpse of their victim. That is what happens when you try to live your life with a fraction of your heart missing. You always believe that there is someone out there who can make it whole again. I used to have faith in that. For years it was all that I had. But in absence of passion I became so much more drive.
I plant a lot of seeds just to see what will take. Those that have affected my being in the past get little to no leeway in my eyes. True colours have been exposed and there is no forgetting that. That piece of my heart that still remains under lock and key. Not because I want to not be 100 with somebody but because that is where my memory of you lies. If I unlock that memory where we once came together for even just a day. It will rust and deteriorate into nothing and I just don’t know how to live with that. The memory of your touch is enough. Even those few stolen kisses. Now that I finally realized how valuable those feelings were well…I don’t ever want to settle for anything less. To feel loved and valued like who I was mattered. Well nobody else has ever expressed that feeling towards me. At least not in the way that you did. My most favourite thing though is how you know me for me completely raw and exposed. You are the only one who knows all my secrets so the idea that maybe now you just may not exist…well how does one live like that.
It is in the spirit of true love that I want to embrace each and every one of you. Not for any other reason than we all need to feel a little bit less alone. That we can love each other in the purest most humblest of forms no matter who we are or where we came from. I know that each and every down blimp in my life taught me a HUGE lesson. But also they served as teeny tiny training wheels to get me ready for the next chapter to come. So I think for awhile now I have succumbed to the desires and whims of the Universe. I am beginning to understand the dance we undertake. I believe I have been worthy and fearless and maybe at times unstoppable when it comes to my relentless quest to live my life with passion. In the absence of passion I have found a way to recreate it in mind that minimizes the impact the heart takes when it is removed. I love like we are all worthy of it. I share it like there’s a chance that it is worth saving. And I shout it off the roof tops. That in absence of true love that life can still exist. That we can find serenity in loving each other in a pure and thought provoking way.

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