I wonder what it would take to feel whole again. It feels like a lifetime ago since anything felt normal. Like a constant game of what next I learn to sustain in my existence. Numbed by the pain of others. Sheltered by own last sliver of happiness. I remember it feels far better to have loved if even for a day then to have never experienced anything at all. I feel blessed by their existence and humbled by their presence. Like it wasn’t enough they gave their entire lives for us but as a reward they shower us with blessings that lead us through the rest of our time here without them.
Animals. So resiliant in their nature in their quest and desires to fit in. They long to feel accepted as they never imagened a life spent alone. Animals have this ability once all their basic needs are met to see the sparkle on every silver lining. We take their very essence of their existence and bend and form it to our will. The way we reflect onto each other serves as proof how lacking in some areas we are. Maybe its because they don’t have access to the information super highway to let them know how insignificant they are to their World. They don’t see it cuz it’s not necessary. They only care about what is in front of them.
Humans wallow in their own suffering because it seems to be alot easier to accept defeat and not take risks. No risk equals no rewars so you have to at leasr try. Trying gets you somewhere. Even if you end up where you started at least you were moving. There must have been something to have been gained right? When Smudge (our 3 legged cat) came to us after having his leg and half a tale removed it was incredible how fast he learned to adapt. He hated his pain killers like would not take them no way no how. Hated being high. Makes me think to how as humans we are so numb to everything. We want to be numb. Stay numb. Live a life free of feeling anything because when we do we are just shattered into pieces. No sooner do we find a reason to smile there are a hundred more why we should cry. Life is incredible tough and if there is one thing that usually crosses all species is their ability and capacity to love. When given and fed the right energies they prove time and time again that anything is possible. Take the Vick fighting dogs. The book, “The Lost Dogs” isn’t so much about the torture that he they endured. It was about their rehabilitation and their ability to be able to look past it all and just choose life. Even the ones who lost all faith in humans still found it deep within themselves to forgive and just move past. We are incapable of doing such things.
In order to see any sort of change it would have to start with just ourselves. We would have to keep pushing the boundaries of others misperceptions. Of us. Of each other. Any time we are shamed for living our lives in the fashion that makes us happiest. You would think that maybe if the rest of the World stayed silent we could hear our inner voice speak up guiding us along the way. My inner voice is all I hear these days pushing me on. I am not sure what I am searching for. Maybe it has always been the same. I feel centered here in my how surrounded by the love of my family. For the most part I feel like I belong and that I have found my pack. There is still a peace of me that is missing. Something that my heart keeps searching for. It is hard to feel complete with the removal of physical intimacy from your life. Hugs are few and far in between in my life. It sux because if you knew me you would know that I am definitely a hugger. So then I came up with this idea that maybe if a human is starved with affection for too long then maybe they could go a lil crazy too. Right? I don’t know at times I feel my mind just turns to mush. But then at times I think at least I have time for other things so maybe that is the payoff for leading an abstinence life.
I have to keep reminding myself that the whole concept of feeling whole is just a fragment of the imagination. We are already whole as we exist inside one being. If that is true that we are only and ever can inhabit one being then it is up to us to at accordingly within the bounds of being compassionate, humble and loving. And of course minimize and eliminate the hurt and sorrows that others can feel. Through experiencing life together in such ways it will make life a lil more tolerable. When we open up and realize that we aren’t alone in our experiences. We are alone in our isolation of each other. When we prevent others from shining in their true light. Does it matter to anybody other than to that one in that moment. Live for what feels good and those that celebrate with you. I have to repeat that one more time. Live for what feels good and those that celebrate with you. Living for what feels good right now might not necessarily be the same thing as in the future. It really shouldn’t matter one way or another though if you live in the moment. That moment where life feels good. I never truly really understood those simple words. I have been busy spinning around doing what I thought was expected of me and forgot how could it feels to enjoy in another’s company. I spend so much time tiptoeing around and keeping busy that I forgot how good it felt to make somebody else laugh and hang onto my every word. Yes those moments for me are very few and far between. Most conversations I have are with my toddler and my furbabies. Don’t get me wrong I love them both to bits. But tonight I got lost in a conversation and I now know it is the human experience I crave.