Believe in Better Days

From the earliest of ages for most of us we are encouraged to have limitless dreams and reach for the stars. There was no dream to silly as we lost our magical ways in a transcendence trance like state. Being able to be free and to visualize a World that made us feel free and safe we were destined for greatness as long as we kept the ability to dream alive.
Do you remember the first time you started to question that obtainability of dreams? Was it the time you got your first failing grade? Maybe when your parents got angry at you? Then again maybe your dreams were whittled away as you began to let the pollution of the outside World inhabit your thoughts.  Self doubt replaces authenticity as our first insecurities begin to surface and it is the first time that we begin to believe that maybe just anything isn’t possible.
Our goals and our mindset keeps us from realizing our true potential. We let Hollywood dictate our definition of true love and family. Sparks normally don’t last. You have to get to a place of mutual respect and love with your partner. There are billions upon billions of mates we can meet in seconds. Of course we can switch our partner with one that makes us feel like we are connected by electricity. Like a new flavour of Doritos we are intrigued at first by the new flavour but I don’t know about you though but Cool Ranch will always be my favourite. When you engage in any activity that will betray the trust of your partner though be prepared to suffer the backlash. No matter who you are no relationship ever survives the scandal of betrayal (unless of course you are in one of those new age open marriages). It crazy to think that in our desire to stay connected and informed we have driven a wedge between our family dynamics and quite honestly that seems to be the main problem with the World.
So what about our dreams? There seems to be this incredibly high expectation on what is we find productive to do with our own lives. Yes we all want to make our family proud. Gaining the love and approval from people you love and respect makes you feel like you can conquer the World. I mean who doesn’t like to hear praise right. I was always a dreamer. Even in my darkest hours I had some sliver of hope that I could turn my life around. We all have a time when we fall from grace. Some of us will have somebody there to dust off and others will have to find their own way. Those we journey alone will find the greatest clarity but also go through the deepest pain. Being alone even though you many be surrounded by many means you are alone in your own head.
There will always be times in our lives when we are tested. That is the Universe’s way of getting us ready for the journey ahead. There was a time when I was homeless. I wasn’t working. Pregnant. Torn between two losers. One a lying addict and the other just got locked up for 4 years. I mean where did I go wrong. And horribly!! Do you remember what it felt like when you graduated high school? The hope and promise that filled your being that made every day exciting and new? I always wanted a career. Make my Dad proud. As I write this I realize that maybe that was my source for discontent. There was no question that my mom was proud of me. She told us that all the time. But my Dad on the other hand….
It seems so crazy to think that my biggest dreams of my whole life have always included my Dad. No wonder why this journey has felt like I was walking alone. Our reality is and will always be that we can not please everybody. Not even those closest to us will want to celebrate in our own victories. What that tells me is that you and only you needs to pick up the pieces and define your own life.  My Dad was my first love. My Dad was my greatest love. If I can survive all the hate and insults that come my way in regards to him and his new family I know that you too can survive anything. It is hard to come out of those shadows when your heart is filled with all of these memories. Memories get us nowhere though. They just guide us off course until we are ready. It is reason to laugh a little though. They used to ridicule me and spread rumours about me drinking too much. If only they knew my drinking was brought on by a longing I had in my heart to be daddy’s lil girl again. If only for a brief moment of time. I promise for that one slice of heaven on Earth I would cherish for the last of my living life.
So where does that leave me? Where does that leave you? There will always be mornings when you can’t get out of bed. We will always be our worst enemies and there will always be pain in our heart.  In the beginning it used to be because I was to embarrassed of failing. That my self worth was tied to somebody else’s opinion of me. Opinions in fact don’t matter. You will always be the villain in somebody else’s storey. In today’s World somebody has to be right? For me I didn’t want to spend any more time living in this nightmare. I had to find a way to start living my dreams no matter what the cost. By devaluing myself and what I wanted most out of the World I was in fact selling myself short.
My message to you is to just believe in yourself. Believe that you are capable of making the best choices for yourself here in the moment. That making a choice that may seem a little off may in fact be the right choice later on. My past may not have always been favourable. But it did get me to here in this moment. I have survived violence, hate, isolation rumours you name it. To some degree I have experienced it all. The only peace that I get when I think of those days is it really did help me become who I am now. If it wasn’t for all the negativity I wouldn’t be the compassionate empathic person I am today. I hated being sad and I hated the suffering but I have accepted it as I way of life. Something will always try to take us down. It is natures way. We are like magnets affected by the negativity and positivity of the World.  We can only become what we believe we can be so it is up to us to be that change. Changing only immediately benefits you. With a lift in your heart you can feel the weight of the World rise as you believe yourself worthy of better days.

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