I stand on top of the cliff looking down at the water beating furiously on the rocks below. Reaching my hand into my pocket I feel the envelope cold in my hands. I want to take it out again but can’t. The words written on the envelope I sent in a red scrawl taunting me to believe differently. My final goodbye never reaching it’s destination. In one single instant my life, my purpose is devoid of all meaning. The only thing that kept me going was this strong desire to once again be able to look in his eyes and see his love pour for them. Staring out into the vast sea I felt all the oxygen be removed from my body. There is always somebody on this Earth we gravitate towards and now, now who pulls towards? me. Who pulls me from the sea when I no longer believe in myself? Who is my heart when mine forgets to beat? Who do I become now when you are no longer of this World. In the letter my the words, “My heart will always search for you.” rings in my head. What does my heart do now. Now that you are gone.
I remember exactly where I was 10 years ago when you first came into my life. We were as thick and thieves and where one was the other wasn’t too far behind. I never had a friend like that. I could tell that in some ways you loved me more than anybody ever could but in other ways your demons would never allow you to stay for very long. I remember the conversations I had with my angels begging for them to save you soul. But everything in my life that I love deep I have been deemed a long time ago not worthy to have. For as long as I can remember I knew bad luck had found me. I used to be ok with it but at times it takes a hold of me and pushes me down a dark hallway where nobody can find me. I can’t believe that when I came to see you last you were only weeks away from your departure. I know why you never made time for me. It’s ok. I understand. To say it hurts well I am trying to find a way to process the idea that I will never see your face again. That the last time I saw you is who you will always be. Frozen in time never realizing your true potential.
I used to believe in karma. Like the reason why things happen the way they do is for something I did earlier on in life. I thought I was a decent kid. Growing up I was a little wild but nothing that wasn’t manageable. And nothing that you see now. I was never scared to tell my parents anything. Bad things naturally happened to me. I remember earlier one wanting to speak with anybody who would listen to me. The pain was so deep I just more than anything wanted a friend. Somebody that could hold me when I couldn’t stop crying. Somebody who would keep me from falling over the edge. Somebody to remind me that I am worth living for. I never had that till you. Now forgive me for talking like the rest of you aren’t reading but my heart is unsure what to do. Like I understand why you didn’t want me to see you at your lowest point but don’t you know it didn’t matter. There is nothing on Earth that would have ever stopped me from loving you. You had your journey and I had mine. Your addiction had you running away from the law. But your addiction also had you running away from me. I thank you for what you deemed a selfless act by staying away but you robbed me from being able to say goodbye.
I can’t help to think about when the opiate crisis really began for me. Early 2000’s? Oxy’s were pretty much EVERYWHERE. Everyone I knew was chasing that downer high. I even remember when in an attempt to stop people from smashing them they put a plastic coating on them. Well thank you for that valuable insight pharmacare but all you did was make it so they had to obtain their next high. What do you replace oxy with….down. How can we all not be just a little bit more angry about all of this. You have a grip on my husband that will always have a hold on him. Yes in one sense he is no longer on heroin but he is like many who are a part of the methadone program. What are the side effects of long term use? How come the dose is never lowered? How come that apon coming off of it most relapse within the week or two. A company that flooded our World with a drug that is killing our friends and families and all we do is succumb to the idiocy and leave our loved ones to die. What about the long term affects on our family dynamic. My life has been put on hold while he battles his demons. I don’t know that life. I have never been ruled by a substance like that. What I can tell you is that in his addiction I am the one who suffers. The dose he is on helps him function in the day to day sense that he keeps his job. He is a good Dad but he has no energy to participate in our lives. He tries. But he’s tired and that is when the fights start. There is no support from his medical team as far as long term use, side effects or even counselling. I can’t help but think that maybe once again he has been set up to fail. There is zero intimacy and now I am wondering if what really is the cause.
In a desperate attempt to connect with a love from my past I wrote a letter. He was always my first love. His addiction though made us part ways. The thought had crossed my mind that maybe I had made the wrong choice. That maybe true love should win out. My reality is that I just had somebody lash out at me to stop living in a fairytale…and just as fast as the smoke lifts my letter was returned. Seeking out his brother I found the answers. Not ones that I was hoping for but now my heart can stop searching. Maybe he has been returned back to me. I can’t help but think if I had held on one last time before he left that day that maybe things would have been different. I also think that maybe it would have been me lowered 6 feet into the ground. Life is pretty cold and lonely. I don’t want to feel like this. I don’t want anybody to have to feel alone. If my life isn’t worthy enough for that soul defining true love in this life then maybe I can help mend the hearts so others have a chance. Right now my heart feels dark as I mourn the loss of what could have been. All of you though are my reasons for getting up each and everyday. In the absence of my hope I still have all yours. Yes it’s possible to live without your other half. I have all of you to serve as a reminder how great life can be.