I am a housewife. It is one of the greatest most awarding jobs I have ever held. I hate to think of it as a job as to me now it is just a way of life. You never fully appreciate how your mom kept the house together until you are the one in charge of all the mess. I understand the whole idea of a marriage being a partnership. He goes to work. I do the cleaning and cooking, that even includes that nasty ring around the toilet bleh!!! There is a sense of pride that comes with trying to get the house cleaned. It truly is an impossible task though. Now I see just how depressing it can actually be. There are times when I am incredibly impressed with the amount of work that has gone into the day. Only to be micro-managed by the husband at the end of the day. At first those things didn’t bother me. I knew it would take time to adjust to each others habits and likes. Some days though there just seems to be a genuine lack of appreciation for all that I do. Those days make me drag my feet a lil longer. I still get it done because it boils down to a sense of pride for me and a sanitary environment for my son. I have given up on the dream of the house being spotless from top to bottom. One day it will happen but for now I remain constantly busy from the time I get up to the time I get to sleep. Long after my son and husband fall asleep I might add.
My mornings start early for the most part as there are things in life that I want to accomplish. You take the risk of not getting things done or staying up till midnight if you don’t start your day early enough. Guess farmer time runs in my blood as I do tend to rise with the sun. I like to enjoy my coffee and read or write in the serenity and calmness that a new morning promises us. My goals extend more than just physical health and being a desired weight. I found when I told myself I wanted to lose the pounds it consumed me entirely. I don’t have the time to be overly romanticized by one activity or another. I guess that is also what makes it easier to not think about physical intimacy. Where would there even be time? If I can a majority of my personal goals out of the way before the boys wake up then I already thinking like a winner.
You just never know who is going to wake up first and what mood they are going to be in. This is when the unrecognized/rewarding stuff happens. I hate when people tell me to look after my son. Obviously this is directed to my one and only. To me it’s annoying because that is implied, That is expected. As his mother when he is in my general vicinity then it is up to me to guide him in life. He is only two so it basically comes down to watching everything he does. He loves to put things in his mouth, flush things down the toilet or like previously down a half bottle of Palmolive before throwing up all over my laptop. Messes happen. Things happen. I can see it with my own two eyes as well. I always try to calmly resolve any obstacle that comes my way. I chalk it up to living and experiencing and all the great things that com with being a parent (that includes the occasionally poo being thrown at you). The most discrediting feeling that I am constantly being faced with though his my husbands micromanaging of not only the housework but my son’s behaviour. It is a wonder we are able to survive without him home. Being a housewife is no joke. You get zero recognition other than those hugs and sloppy kisses your son insists on giving you. He is after all my best friend and he deserves to live in a home not a mess.
A lot of you may ask why do I bother. Especially when he brought home an 8 week old puppy for Christmas. I love animals but do you have any idea who’s responsibility it becomes? You got it mine!! So on top of a two year exploring his inner contents of his diaper I also have to find the time to train a dog. There are so many lives dependent on me and the choices that I make going forward. I try to strive for a little sliver of happiness wound up in everyday. My attempts to bridge the gap that has been continuously building over time is getting to a place where it might never be resolved. Nobody can be ignored forever. Take my selfless approach to everyday. I get up determined to make it the best day possible. I take calculated risks that may or may not pay off. I do things that nurture my soul and reach for contacts that may be just like me and need a little bit of TLC. It is not a journey to try and destroy my marriage. My approach to life now is more about abundance in it’s most natural organic sense. Love can be bountiful or it can be scarce. You can use it to build each other up or you can use it to tear each other. At times my World feels completely isolating as I watch my husband sleep instead of have a conversation with me in any way. I have learned to live with it in some fashion. Not forever but just for the time being. I have always been honest with my thoughts and feelings. If he was concerned in anyway he could easily look upon the hundreds of entries I have as it is my only outlet that can sustain me for now. I am not oblivious to the possibility that maybe there might be another alternate ending coming my way. A lot of you might not understand my dilemma or even thing that there is one to complain about. For the most part that is true. I am lucky and very blessed to have the life that I live. I don’t want to take that for granted ever especially when there are so many others that are suffering. I guess what I am trying to figure out if this is all that there is. Can there be contentment in just being or do we need more to truly feel alive?