My centre, my true north, my whole reason for being will always be my family. Looking at the photos that time has captured I can’t help but feel thankful for the life that is unfolding before me. Yes there are these incredible hardships that come are way but such as life. We wouldn’t be alive without feeling great pain. We wouldn’t be who we are without a moment of reckoning. For most of us we have to lose all that we are and rebuild ourselves up again. It is not enough that there is supposed to be this invisible bond that can’t be broken. Family is always supposed to have each other’s back. But there is always poison that wants to infect our inner being. This toxicity that says oh no that life is not for you. In fact we will gather up an army to work against you starting with those you hold dearest to your heart.
Maybe it takes almost losing your life while creating a new one. Maybe it is watching your Dad move on like you never existed. Maybe it is just a lack of jealousy and disrespect that makes it so that others can’t see the life that is brimming up inside of you. Looking at my ancestors I can’t help to think that inside of all of them there is the same cells that made me. hat in one point of time I heard the same heartbeat in much of the same way as my mother did when she was first created. How can something created inside of so much love be worthy of so much misguided hate. I still get caught on what can make a parent despise their own children. And not just one all. With that thought in mind though wouldn’t that deep rooted seed of hate be that reflection of yourself you see in all of us? How is it that even in the realm of possibility that in the image of women that you raised we all came out wrong? We are only bad people because we are missing the other half of the genetic make-up that makes us worthy of your love and affection. You have shunned all your heritage, all your ancestor’s, everything that makes you you. Why? To live a life of isolation surrounded by people she deems worthy of your attention.
My center of gravity seems to be getting stronger with age. I see the importance of a strong family center and I work very hard everyday to establish that. I just don’t sit myself in a room locked up doing mindless activities that add no value to the World or the people living in it. On top of the hectic schedule of just being a housewife (which I have been told is more to baking cookies you know). Being a supportive wife means supporting all roots of lines of lineage. Not just those ones you deem worthy of acknowledging. In time your storey will end and then what. The real people who loved you and craved for your attention know nothing about you. The company you keep knows nothing about you as well. There is nobody to share in your praises or to remind the World of how great your presence will be. Even in just writing this I can see just how one sided your love actually is. How incredibly isolating. I know this feeling of isolation from the outside World. Some of it comes at the hand of your tormentor but the majority of it comes from you. To scared to acknowledge the mistake that you made going into something so fast and vigorous. Ashamed of the bridges you burned while taking sides because unlike your first marriage this one was definitely a marriage based on financial gain.
One question though unlike your first wife who had agreed to mere pennies to ensure you were able to retire in comfortably. I wonder if she would agree to let you go if we agreed she could keep it all. How much more do you need before you can finally come home? What I do know is that if somebody speaks so ill of your family and the people that you once love the are thinking very similar things about you. Just imagine the conversations that take place behind your back. Evil people are very good at pulling the wool over everybody’s eyes. They will say things to make themselves feel better never losing a minutes sleep. People make exceptions for the people they love right? If I would have known that my graduation day would have been the last time you smiled at me I would have danced a lil slower. I would have swallowed my pride and held on like I could never let go. To have to pretend to live in a World where you don’t exist is life altering. Where once I used to try to do everything in my power to make you proud I have since learned that will never be a possibility. What you don’t understand and what you love to ridicule me for is a piece of me always felt like it was missing. It got bigger when I first learned of Grandma passing. Say whatever you want. Insult me like you always do that I need to grow up and get over it. It is hard to grow up and get over somebody that you are trying so hard to desperately be. Somebody that I learned that you have become ashamed of.
I look at these pictures everyday to remind me of why it is so important to live an open, honest life. I don’t need to feel shame for the decisions in my life that defined me. I also don’t need to feel shame in my life for the decisions my ancestors made that defined them. Unlike you I have immense pride in their life and how much they put into their family. I know they always said to be mindful of your business. Not to air your dirty laundry. I can hear my Grandma now lol. She would know that I am only doing so in trying to establish a common bond between us. No life is perfect or has everything tied neatly with a bow. We all make mistakes. There are some of us that are more intentional though in our misguided ways. How incredibly isolating the World has become when it begins to turn into our enemy. It robs us everything. Family, Friends, Money, Life. The idea that a family bond can be corrupted by some outside force goes to show you how powerful true evil can possibly be. The true sin in life is the devil who keeps you powerful and keeps your family at bay. A families love is supposed to be unconditional. The only thing that can possibly be is the unconditional love that you have for yourself. You have to believe in that more than anything. Only you can give yourself the strength you need to face another day. Yes we would all love to hold the hand of those that created us. The ones that first looked down upon us before we took our first breath. With the billions of people that are inhabiting the Earth though we have come to learn how to recreate that love. Yes it will always be a tiny bit different. But what I love about the love that is born upon us is the one that we get to create through commitment and determination. That your family that you are creating is worth living for. Only you can work towards ending the toxicity that threatens to poison us all.