Alone in Time, Forever Trying

Time. The one thing we try so hard to catch but it is never in the cards for us. There is never enough of it but at times there seems to be too much. Constantly chasing the same 24 hours in this constant twist that we just get caught up in for the time being. Everything that we are gets boiled down to how we best utilized our time. But in the end. In the very end everything that surrounds us and all that we know eventually return back to nothing. All that struggle and everything we sacrificed to prolong the inevitable eventually finds us. My anxiety reaches the highest when I think about that time. Time that we all fear to talk about. Maybe for some we brave to speak about what it is that is driving us insane. But only as a passing fancy so not to allow anybody else to see what it is that I fear. The same thing that we all fear. Never realizing our true potential before the lights fade out.

Memories. Those glorious parcels of time that have captivated a treasure feeling or way of being for us.  At time I feel our memories our skewed as we tirelessly try to capture our beings as being as happy and successful as possible. We are scared to show our true image. The image that will remain frozen in time to show others how we valued our lives. Isn’t that what it all boils down to. We engage in those activities which captivate our senses and for the time being set us free. When we capture a moment and freeze it against time sometimes the feelings the conjured up the desire to remember that moment for all of eternity are also a lil bit skewed. It is hard not to feel like you are living somebody else’s life when there is very lil freedom to embrace your true identity. They weren’t kidding when they said sometimes you have to forget all that you are and start building from scratch.

I never really thought I could possibly be one of those people who can forget everything and just Rachel Green myself into a new city let alone a new province where I knew pretty much my sisters. I was too ashamed to admit to my mom what was going on. And my Dad. Well if you have been following along you would know how much of a failure he believes me to be. Standing there looking out at the new city that I found myself in I felt sick. Up until that point I only ever truly loved one person. He was left behind in Vancouver just like half my wardrobe and countless other treasure I had carried along with me since I left home back in 1998. I hate when you try to show the World your weakness how they try to get advantage of that. I didn’t always make the best of the decisions. In my defence I didn’t always have the best role models as it came for guidance. I am not trying to make any excuses. There is nothing more annoying then trying to be your true authentic self and have others bash you for it. My desire to do all that I do is to make my World a better place. In doing so I hope to directly make my families World better. The World scares me. Life scares me. With the chase being on of realizing your true potential sometimes I get swept away in a moment and forget what truly needs to be most important.

Thinking too much brings on too much anxiety. Without thought though I am not sure how to make my way in the World. At times the opinion of others is comforting and in others their opinions just waste time.  I have been struggling for awhile about what it means to project my best life forward. Why do I want to do that and what does it look like for me. I always wanted the love and adoration of my family. Always. They were the ones who made me most proud to get up everyday and just be. I hate that they are no longer apart of my storey line. It hasn’t been for a lack of trying. I do entirely put myself out there waiting to finally be accepted for being just me. I know what it feels like to not fit in and to not feel like you belong. It has always been this way for me when it comes to my family. I was always the one kinda sticking out. Lost with no direction. It is a humbling walk to take when you find yourself out on that path alone. Nobody helps you find your way home. No time. No drive. No desire to be in your presence. For me I still battle with that.

I know what it feels like to be alone. I am alone right now. Not because of anything but because of nothing. My head spins with the uncertainty with the direction of the World that I find myself just wanting to be in the presence of my own company. I get confused on what the whole purpose and journey of life is supposed to mean. For each and every one of us. Some get these lives where we never have to worry about our bills being paid or our bellies being fed. Others have to live these incredible torturous lives. For no reason other than just being. My head gets confused trying to decide how it is who gets to live in what existence. It doesn’t seem fair does it. For some they get that golden ticket and others….

It does seem weird that we only exist for this small parcel of time and for some it is even quicker than a blink of an eye. I wonder what the purpose of it all is. Maybe it is easier to live a majority of the time alone. Not because of anything but to avoid the sheer madness that comes when leaving your mind to wander. The opinions and purpose of others shouldn’t concern you all that much. Only the opinion and purpose of your own should be what you lose sleep over. Trying to find ways to outlive from the day before. This is all we got. That we know of. Imagine your last memory on Earth is of you doing something toxic to somebody. What do you want your last great super nova explosion to be? Something that just flickers before it burns out? Or do you want it to light the night sky leaving a slow forever burn. You can become who you were always born to be if you can quite your mind and let your inner being shine. We are all capable and worthy of such bright shining moments.  It is up to us to realize our true potential and set it free.

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