I have spent a lot of time trying to muddle my way through this misguided reality. Trying to convince myself that maybe I am delusional or maybe it is just out of fear. Fear of not conforming to how others deem life worthy of living. Trying to see that maybe it isn’t exactly the way things appear. Putting to the side all your own feelings of inadequacy that are only highlighted on a day to day basis to remind you just how small you really are. Forgetting long ago how it looks and feels happy destined to walk along although surrounded by many it never gets easier. I always thought it would be different but realistically how could it be. Bound to the mistakes of those before it is hard to know any different. To fade away into oblivion or to try and make it one more day there is one thing that is for certain. Love can never be maintained or recreated to much damage has occurred. It is hard enough becoming your own source of strength. It is entirely another ball game to swim down stream when the current will do anything to take you along with it.
In my head I am stuck. I tell myself love could never feel this way. It should never abandon and make you feel like even on your best day you are still scum on the bottom of their shoe. Everybody needs a glimmer of hope of somebody who believes in them. Can it be the only source of that hope needs to come from the eyes of a 2 year old. Can that be all that is needed to get one though. It isn’t that I am looking for clarity I am trying to find strength. To continue on this path that I am going will take everything I am on the inside and will rot me to my core. They say marriage is tough and it takes work. I was always committed to making it work. Setting aside many differences all I wanted was something that could stand the hands of time. I think they forget to tell you that at most of the times marriage is completely one sided. Or at least mine is. It is hard to find purpose in an existence when all you do is keep to the house. At times I feel like I am locked up in prison with little or no voice. There is no feeling like the one where you are constantly ignored only to be told of where you can improve or what you had missed.
I wonder if most relationships are like this. Technology has impersonalized or personal life. From the moment he wakes to the moment he goes to sleep he is on his phone. He used to say it was for work but the hours he spends watching videos while smoking just rips at my heart. There is no worse feeling then trying to connect with somebody who has determined that your life is rather insignificant in the grander scheme of things. It has almost been 4 years of MARRIED life and we are more awkward then two teenagers on prom night. Well at least the teenagers are curious. My love life is not. I have spent almost 4 years with no intimacy. Zero. No hugs. No little kisses. At times it is impossible to hold everything back. I preach to the World to see the best in yourself all the time. I can tell you that being the only person that sees any good in oneself is incredibly hard. There are no words to explain how broken my heart feels. To me now it makes so much sense why people stay in situations that they have outgrown. Aside from disappearing into oblivion I don’t entirely know where to go.
How many of us have lost our ways trying to make it so other people find theirs. My existence doesn’t mean much to those I love dearly. I feel at times that I am either forgotten about or taken for granted. I test the waters from time to time but all it does is rock the boat that I am pretty sure will capsize. Maybe that is why it has become so easy for me to bare my soul. Nothing can hurt me as much as these last few years have. To wake up alone clinging to the edge of the bed out of fear of doing something wrong. To scared to tell the World you need help because nobody is listening anyways. I have lived a long time like this. Crying in the shadows when the rest of the World is asleep. This is the feeling I hate more than anything. This is the feeling I want to put a stop to. Not for me but for others. I already know that life is meant to feel like this for me. What I desire more than anything is to stop the hurting for you. What a great example I am. Go out into the World and make your mark. Oh unless it leads to true happiness then you better look the other way.
So to you all that struggle in these relationships that are missing something I understand that struggle. I understand that struggle of trying to feel anything other than loss. That feeling of inadequacy when your affection is never returned. That smile that lights up your face that only falls when you are once again reminded that your existence doesn’t measure up to whatever has captivated their attention for the time being. It is hard to imagine that right now that my destiny has brought me here. To use this time to improve in myself while caring and nurturing for my family I hope that maybe in time I will deem myself worthy. Worthy enough to warrant the affection of another human. Maybe in time the Universe will have mercy on me and make this time seem just a wee bit more bearable. Maybe in time all secrets will be revealed. Maybe in time they don’t need to be. Maybe chasing dreams and rainbows are only for the young at heart. Maybe hearts only stop when they no longer have a purpose. Maybe life and all it’s hidden meanings will eventually reveal themselves but not to the weak at heart only to those that prove themselves along the way.