The last tear forms and slowly releases sliding down my check. It’s impossible in this moment to see anything else other than the damaged moment that the day has become. People in general like to gravitate towards destroying others and at times we do so with the misguided impression that we are doing them and us a favour. I mean don’t we usually spew the words of negativity instead of positivity and love. My guilt eats away at me knowing that in my younger years I was the very toxic pollution that I have now come to hate. Maybe that is why it has become important to me to open up my life. My life in all it’s plain and basic splendor actually help me to understand who it is I am supposed to become. It isn’t for a lack of trying or misunderstanding but a veil of doubt and insecurity that haunts me.
Pushing myself beyond my limits helps me to understand the whole idea behind it to begin with. My whole life whether directly or indirectly has been powered with the drive of connecting. To not feel alone in this vast World. To have somebody understand what lays in your heart and wants to protect it. Not use it to conform it to their will and destroy you in the process. I know for the most part we are all guilty of this. Sitting in the corner too afraid to talk I listen to the stinging words of my husband. Internally I scream for the Universe to put an end to it all. Those people closest to us know exactly what to say to hurt us and listen to his tirade I can’t help but feel insignificant and obsolete.
My heart feels like it is no longer a part of my body. My head swims with thoughts of salvation not sure how I can will myself to be there. I look outside and feel the sun beat on my face but can’t help to think what lays in wait on the other side. The possibility of ending it all seems oh so bittersweet and romantic but for me I can’t have that be how my storey ends. I dream of just walking away with nothing more than the clothes on my back. I survived before I can survive again. The difference being though that lil part of me that now gets to live on outside of me. I think about the possibility of him growing and not needing his mother any longer. Can I wait to then? Is that a possibility. I have already learned to live broken do I have to punish my son in the same way?
There is so much more than what we portray ourselves to be to the World. We are not these perfect beings we allow the World to see. We are all these broken individuals searching for somebody to take an interest to help us put all those pieces back together again. That is why I started my journey. Not that I was searching for that piece of me that makes me complete. But because I know that in the absence of one you can replace it with many to at least fill the void. Tell me about somebody who doesn’t know what it feels like to feel broken for a minute. There are so many of us that walk amongst each other at times to scared to breathe. We don’t want to be noticed but at the same time we wish that somebody can notice how much we are suffering and more to that care enough to want to help us heal. Isn’t there a secret that lays asleep inside of us that we are itching to get out. We keep it hidden though out of fear of how others will react. How is it that we should react any way to anybody else’s existence.
Life, your life, my life should be all that matters. We shouldn’t get together and celebrate the demise of a fallen friend. We should come together and celebrate the simplicity and beauty of our existence not hold our head in shame. I used to feel this nervous apprehension anytime I would travel to an event. This nervousness though I found never truly leaves me. In my house I dance around on pins and needles waiting until my husband goes to work. I do not like talking ill of that state of my marriage but in the attempt to let down my guard I will say only a few words. Nobody should ever feel like they are never good enough. Just like nobody should ever have to celebrate their victories alone. For some of the most incredible moments of my life I have kept quiet. The two men I try desperately to impress laugh at my tries. No matter who I try to be in this life I always want to win their love. I spin in circles trying to figure out what I can do to tempt the fates in my direction. I desperately long for one more conversation with my Dad. My husband sits either in the garage or asleep in bed. On his phone or tablet like me as a person could not exist in the same space and time.
There is a lot of darkness that lives deep inside of me. I keep trying to bring it to the light to set it free. There is this suffocating feeling that comes from realizing your own truth. At times you feel to scared to be honest with the World out of fear of being criticized and left all alone. Slowly though I am beginning to realize that for where I am in this space of time my truth should be exactly what is needed to set me free. I have never tried to be anything I am not. I have always tried to live as close to my true authentic self as I can. For where I am in my life there is no times for games or lies. I already live alone. There are moments when I go out into the World in the hopes of finding somebody else just like me. Not somebody who needs saving but somebody who needs reminding that there is more of us there. Living broken, confused and scared. Maybe that is why I have begun taking risks. What is a no or rejection in the grander scheme of things. Sometimes there is a yes which makes entire sense. Do you honestly want to win or anything or do you want to be a part of somebody else realizing their true potential and dreams. The biggest gift I have given myself is the ability to live humbly. It helps reduce the pain of a broken heart but also become the armour I need to make it through.