To think about life and all it’s splendor’s one also has to think about life and all it’s hurt. To be alive means that we have to be able to absorb some level of pain or the latter may surface..an infinite sorrow an infinite death. Only infinite by our own perceptions and fear of the unknown. We force our way forward trying to pre-determine our destiny. This is when it is the most painful to bare. To go against any kind of resistance will always leave you drained, unfulfilled, and a hole in your heart that not even time can fill. We do it to ourselves with our obsession of defining life instead of allowing the experience to manifest within ourselves. We wanted to become so far technologically advanced that we let machines now dictate how we live. How can we realize our true destiny when we have no idea who we are inside anyways?
We allow society and all it’s pressures dictate to us how we are supposed to feel, act, be. Look at the way we try and get together these days. We use tinder, plenty of fish, lavalife….all to try and attract a mate. We aren’t attracting a mate organically. It is like we are fishing in this big pond waiting for a bite. We hold onto that bite until they drive us to the brink of insanity before we release it to the wild to torment and torture another being. The idea that may have even a pre conceived notion how it is we should receive each other is insane. I allowed the World to desensitize my essence out of conformity. I wanted to dull my shine to fit, to be loved. To me it seemed the more I was honest with those that I was trying to connect with the worse type of beings I was attracting. When you allow others to see you at your most vulnerable you also put a HUGE target on my back. I thought being true to myself would allow me to attract more people like me.
I am not to sure when my perception started to change. It may have been the moment when I locked my ex’s friend out of my apartment at 3 in the morning. As I walked to the back of my place all I saw was the brick sailing through my kitchen window and all the glass gathering around at my feet. I knew what he wanted. That is why he had now found himself outside. Maybe it is from years of having your heart crushed by humanity. Maybe it was from years of crushing my own heart. Whatever it was that was laying dormant inside me it doubled over that night. To first have a “friend” come over to comfort me during the time of my break up to demanding sex. Your outlook begins to change. I had no choice but to call the cops to come because at 3 in the morning with a smashed in kitchen window and what appears to be somebody who is clearly deranged my first thought was in protecting myself.
Sitting in the shadows terrified that he would return I wondered how I always seem to get myself into these situations. Let’s be honest I am not one to be overly amorous when it comes to strangers. I am much too timid for activities of that nature. What it is though is my heart is on my sleeve. It is open to trusting. Even the raw burning sensation that was taking up a permanent residence in my heart would always make way for anybody in need. My mother and sister always told me that I was too naive, too caring. That I should hold a piece of me back before allowing too many in. I always let that burn in the back of my mind. Should I hold back? Should I even lie about who I am? Will that bring me eternal happiness?
So if living is not about the definition but about the experience does that mean that we are all missing the point? To enjoy life and all it’s candor while accepting the ebbs and flows as they come. I imagine infinite sorrow and the feeling of heartbreak. The only true cure is no cure at all. That you can only move forward with the grief in your heart but a new song on your lips. You will never be the same when faced with moments of great despair. It is impossible to imagine life ever being the same after loss. The facts are life is never meant to be the same. When we lose somebody of great importance they become imprints on our hearts. Their memory torments us instead of giving us strength and courage to move on through. Love definitely cures most. Not that love filled with physical passion but love filled with infinite compassion. We can never bring those lost back into the living. We can however honour their memory by striving to live a different life. Where once you may have walked beside each other now you begin to walk as one. You can’t move forward without first accepting the grief that only intensifies with their memory.
We are so much more than our social updates, memes, tictock, or what not. Our whole lives are being recorded by technology leaving this false impression of these great lives lived. How is anybody supposed to learn by our existence. All our future self’s will see is this ridiculous interpretation of how we wanted to let the World know that we lived. Where are the lessons? Where are the tales of hope and inspiration to help those realize their true potential. Without tales without words there is no more imagination to propel us forward into truly living our life’s purpose. I am scared to go down a road that wasn’t paved just for me. But then I realize I am more scared to not try. When I think of moments that have brought me to my knees and threatened to rip me to shreds I realize. That in the darkest moments of my life I have found light. That light needs to be shared so that more people like me will see that they too can have a life full of experiences both good and bad. In each experience there will be a tale to tell that will help those next moving forward make it past the obstacles in their way. Yes some of the answers unfold to us in ways that never should be. There is no place in living for rudeness and malicious behaviour. We are all one striving to live and do the best that we can and at the very least we deserve a compassionate heart and a warm place to lay our heads. If only for a little while to recharge and reset our souls.