Now is the time I get to practice what I preach. Amongst all the chaos I have to succumb to those moments I can’t control and marinate in all that it is. In order to understand the trials in front of me I have to fully absorb them in order to realize that this to shall pass. That there is no more heightened emotion then those that we can’t control. Even in my delirium the corner of my mouth begins to curl. I know that most energies have an opposite and if what I am experiencing will bring something great then I have to learn to enjoy the ride and try to learn something along the way.
There is no worse feeling like when you are getting kicked when you are down. I leave in the morning and anything that can go wrong is going wrong. The puppy is barking at the dog trying to get the toy while my son sleeps. The dishes are piled up in the sink and there is still a few more loads of laundry to do before I head away for the first pageant of the year. Don’t ask me why I waited so long to try on my outfits for the competition but let me tell you my panic began to rise when I realized that maybe just maybe these outfits aren’t going to work. I waited to try on the gown because I could fudge the swimsuit and talent but there is no way around a vintage gown. There is only one in my possession that I rented so there was not a chance I needed the pressure of even one more thing going wrong.
Listening to my son cry and the dogs bark for food I try to keep my composure but as I step backwards I step in dog pee. Life is chaotic. It has to be. It is the only way that we know that we are alive. It’s frustrating as hell in the moment especially when it all starts to go at once. I feel like a pressure cooker about to explode. In my head I wonder what it is going to be that is going to go right. I wonder what and when the momentum is going to shift because it has to. Staying up until 5 am trying to get all the last minute things just so I try to sneak into bed only to wake my son. With less than 24 hours to go before departure time I am starting to feel a little bit more than crazy. Getting up at 11 to yet another one of those damn scam artists I disregard the text on my phone about another scam. Sending my husband off with a list of last minutes you think it would be easy right? Ha!!! That text was real. Our account was drained right after our Child Tax when into it. the only way they could open up an investigation was if I closed my card. No debit card? No credit card? Travel with cash? Welcome to my new nightmare.
I couldn’t help but lose it over the phone to the bank representative. I mean I try so hard to connect with people so they don’t have to feel so bad about themselves and then stuff like this happens. Really makes me lose my faith in humanity. That people spend their whole lives trying to rip off other people. Doesn’t that take work? You just hate the idea of 9 – 5? I felt crushed. After everything. The real terrible weekend. The filling yourself up with hope each and every day and all for what. In those moments of instant great despair it is hard to see the silver lining. If there is anything though that I have learned from before that when these things happen it is out of my control. Yes I feel sad and emotional and sometimes yes I do lose faith but after the initial shock I begin to calm down.
So yes I am a perfectionist at heart but what my soul wants, needs, yearns for his a human connection. A connection with those that you know are coming from the same place. So Universe if you are getting me ready for the next wave of good I am more than ready. There is always greatness interwoven into each and everyday. At least for me. I do have some incredible people in my corner cheering me along the way. They remind me in moments of great weakness that I can borrow from their strength. That is ok to fall as long as you pick yourself back up when you are ready. That the only toxic thought worth destroying is your own. The thoughts of others have never concerned you anyways.
No matter which way you look at it the only control we have over our destiny is the energy it takes to get there. We can’t control the future much in the same we can’t alter the past. Live for today, forget tomorrow and live like yesterday was a dream. Universe if you are listening I just want to say thank you for the life so far! I look forward to living through much more xx