There are so many reasons why I want to give up. There are so many more why I won’t. When I chose to give myself up freely to the powers that may be I had no idea the directional course it would put me on. I can’t tell you what it feels like. What I know though is somewhere through all the smoke and mirrors I know that there is pain and there is hurt and if I didn’t at least try and make the World a better place… I had to at least try. It was no longer about me or the life I wanted. It was about my son and the life he deserved. I was scared. Scared of putting myself out there. Scared of not putting myself out there. Would I regret not trying or would there be more of a regret if I did.
I did all the things that I thought you were supposed to do. I put myself out there trying to fit in. Trying to connect with a World and with people who no longer had room for me. You see they barely understood me then. How would they feel about me now? Fitting in? Not fitting in? Did I had to forget the way I was treated before or did I need to consider all the variables. Again I decided to let myself go and let the wind lead the way.
Travelling throughout the summer to different pageants I met some incredible ladies. Of all walks of life, shapes and sizes I was finally finding my own. I was finding my groove. I was blessed enough to win The Pin-Up Registry’s Pin-up of the month where I won a prize pack from Just Call me Cat. The Universe brings you exactly who you need when you need them…you know? There was something magical about her. I knew if I ever needed her I wanted her to make Sweet Ruby come to life maybe one day. Who knows.
They also don’t tell you how to feel when you get the call. The call that you dreaded hearing but knew sooner or later it had to happen. And here we were running to the hospital. I remember the feeling as we rushed to the hospital. Not entirely sure what was happening or exactly what the case but here we all were making deals that we really couldn’t keep. It wasn’t up to any of us anymore. What was now becoming a harsh reality we still couldn’t help but pray.
I opened the door first. That cold feeling that rushed towards me as I entered the room over took my body. I forgot who I was or how I got there. But I saw her first. Still grasping at what was going on I rushed to her and put her in my arms and that’s when I saw him. My friend on life support. Her baby, her son. I knew in that instant life was never going to be the same. I selfishly needed him to be ok because I didn’t want to feel that pain. I wasn’t ready. It hurt too much. If I close my eyes right now will you please breathe life into him. He’s too young. He has a son. Please look at him mom. Don’t break their hearts. But if you have to make it so I am still going to make his life count. He mattered to me. His struggle taught me something. He lied to us because he didn’t want to hurt us. He knew the pain and devastation his addiction would cause so in part in his mind it was easier to fade away then to fight to come back. I squeezed his hand. I leaned in towards him. This journey now was his and his alone.
Going back over the next two days a storey began to unfold. But all I could hear was. “Do something Ruby. Be that person that anybody and everybody can confide in. They don’t have to know you for you to have love for them.” Look at my friend. In my mind and heart he died alone. Too scared to tell us the truth. A truth he wasn’t ready to admit to himself. To me that is what makes me heart break. That in those last moments as he left us he had to lie alone until help came. It’s hard to write. My heart is still heavy. But in life there is pain. And in life there can be love so why not use each other to confide in each other. Why do we have to let the hate of the World dictate to us who they want us to be. An addict wasn’t always and addict. An addict is usually and addict because in some way we failed them. We failed to listen while they hurt. We laughed at their struggle to stay sober like their life was a waste. What I know with all that my being is no life is a waste. I want to listen. I want your life to feel good. Not because you can’t feel but because you can.
I wasn’t there that day the decision was made. The day the life support was finally pulled. In that moment I knew life was about to feel entirely different. Like it was impossible for it ever to feel the same. I wanted to make my life mean more. The idea I had was to provide an anonymous way for people to reach out to me. Get that demon off your back and set your heart free. Tell me how to reach you. A psychiatrist friend offered to help with the harder cases so Sweet Ruby Bluez was born. I got in touch with Just Call Me Cat and the rest is history. Together we put together packages. She was the design and I was the driving force. Creating post cards, stickers and address labels so far. I am hoping to encourage people to reach out. That maybe if you can’t talk to your parents, friends, or even doctors. Talk to me. Somebody is better than nothing. Especially if you consider the alternative. I really don’t need to know you to love you. You are here on Earth and to me that is all that matters. You matter to me. I am here. I have love.